Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{May 25, 2014}   Frustration

That feeling of been down this path and it hasn’t gotten me much further than I was x number of months ago is where I am with the pelvic floor issues with the rectum. At the point my body is a complete wreck- not only is there blood (which can fill a toilet) with stool and sometimes without stool, I’m just bleeding continuously and requiring a pad.  There are a bunch of things on the table- nerve block possibility but something tells me that won’t fix the bleeding but maybe the pain.  Then there is botox injections.  Then for the abdominal pain which PT and I agree is just part of the encompassing issue is the Pelvic floor dysfunction.  There are several ideas and I’m not listing them down here as of yet.

Hoping to find some relief soon. Hoping that at some point a day where a pain level of 2-4 is like nonexistent and not considered my good days. Looking forward to the day where I don’t have to smile and hide and act like nothing is wrong. I want the day where I’m smiling and saying I’m great is because I’m doing well.  


:: Throwing darts at a picture of my body at the wall:: no really its just I feel like that.




{March 29, 2013}   Frustrations and tears

I’m tired having to walk around and act like everything is fine. I’m tired having to try to find ways to bite or position myself to hide the moments that are the most painful. Some days, the toughest days I want to stay in bed all day. I have a job and a 2 year old. I can’t lay down and just shut out.
I’m looking into Botox. I’m realizing that along with body memories from PTSD, Vaginismus, that pelvic floor issues have created problems with anal fissures. So Im hoping and praying that it is something that will work. I must admit I have my concerns with it because I still feel its new. If the pelvic floor with anal fissures wasn’t getting worse I wouldn’t have been looking.
I guess family pushing me to do something. I’ve been told I don’t take care of myself or put myself first. Yes I know I have issues. It has been a rough year. The fissures only add to my problems.

{January 1, 2013}   Slight success after a setback

After months of crying myself to sleep and feeling even worse about myself. Not because of my husband but because of my own personal feelings. I finally managed to have some success. I admit it hurt some. I was just overjoyed that there was some success.

{March 19, 2012}   Physical Therapy

Post pregnancy, this year has been difficult. It has been discovering frustration with discovering that the process of getting back to the bed was harder and similar to what it was prior to success.  I’ve been making progress with my husband in that area.  The other aspect, is that I’ve had problems with anal fissures. I’ve been to the family doctor and have been doing the colase thing with not much success. On my last visit to the physical therapist I brought it up in the session.

It turns out that my pelvic floor has a part in this deal.  So she gave me exercises and then did some stretching.  She said its essentially the same thing as vaginismus. The only difference is that I’m not trying to fit something up the area, I’m trying to get something out.  The exact opposite problem.  So I need to work on creating space. 

I’ll just say there is pain in certain areas from some of the external/internal work completed on Saturday but I know that it will go away.  But ugh I hate the post discomfort.  It did feel good to know that I may be able to solve the problem so I don’t have repeat problems with fissures.


{November 10, 2011}  

13 months after giving birth to my son, I have suceeded with help of physical therapy to get to where I was prior to becoming pregnant. I can wear a tampon, with minimal discomfort. So if I absolutely had to use one, I can do it. I still am not a 100% okay with the whole tampon thing, but I’m getting there.

I still require a very long foreplay. This is something that I know needs to change, but I’ll take the small sucesses. Having a child only makes that harder because I don’t quite have the “hour or two” that my counselor has said I should devote to that once a week. He isn’t referring to breaking the time apart, because that I could manage.

The only thing I haven’t had and have been dreading and fearing is a pap smear. I don’t why I fear it. Maybe its because I’ve had bad experiences from Obgyns who don’t understand my condition. When someone says “Just relax”. To me that shows a lack of understanding. If I could relax, i wouldn’t be having the issues. Plus I need to find one in this area. Go figures, I find an awesome OBGYN whom understands my condition. But that individual is too far away to go for a yearly or whatever appointment. So back to searching for an OBGYN.

I had a small set back with my progress, but I have returned with the same passion and goal. I can and will get to my end goal.

I would love to write, I had pain free sex. Yeah! That would be like the ultimate post. But I’ll take what I can get! He was at least able to enter me, but not without pain level. I would rate the pain at a 6. With my body memories and intimacy issues, combined with well the fact that it was painful, the thoughts of clouds just kind of went.
I did try the pillows and the other suggestions. They seemed to help to at least allow entrance. The last attempt it was the wall. While some would probably say I should of stopped, that isn’t me. Plus I wanted to give a gift to my husband. So I pushed myself. My personal goals in our future attempts is to really focus on the relaxation strategies and on those muscles. This is where I sometimes think botox might be an option for me. Especially since my bodies natural defense mechanism is to tighten up. But I am making progress again. Assuming I don’t get pregnant, which is reduced by the condoms and by well breastfeeding. I may have a chance at working on the pain levels. We shall see. I’m hoping that pushing it doesn’t cause the wall, but we shall see. This process always seems a little bit like a back and forth kind of motion.

No real sucess. No real shocker. We both fell asleep. My problem is that with a child its really impossible to do anything during the day and in the evening we are usually finishing up small projects. So by the point that we can do anything we are exhausted. Unlike some girls that can hop in bed and do a little romance or what not and ready. Thats not me.

Embarrasing to say the least, it takes me over an hour to get somewhat in the mood.I say somewhat because I’ve never really had those feelings of wanting anything. I know it stems from my past. Thats why my husband usually says “Your body doesn’t want me!”. My mind, heart, and soul do if that counts for anything. It is these moments that I want to cry. Because I love my husband and I want to please him.

Then the other problem I have which is something that runs in my family. I have the “fall asleep” at any moment. I embarrassingly and hate to say this have fall asleep on the phone (not for lack of interest in what was being talked about or who), while on the computer, and in the evening when its dark. I have even fallen asleep at a play house during a show that I was enjoying.

So I’m battling the hour, tiredenss, and my body. My counselor says I really need to give myself 5 hours inorder to have sucess. Umh.. When do I get good 5 hours of waking hours. Not happening during the day.. and I do need sleep. So I guess I need to problem solve this.

{August 12, 2011}   A suprise friend

I spent time with someone I knew from school. I visited with them for a little bit of time. An interesting conversation was initiated by them. This visit proved to be a suprising gift because now I feel like I have someone that I know and someone whom shares something that most people don’t know anything about. This individual also has vaginismus. This was a suprise because I didn’t know that I knew anyone personally with my condition. Most of my friends with vaginismus are e-mail/facebook friends. So it was like a gift that was needed.

{July 23, 2011}   Sex Therapy Session 1

My husband and I went to an appointment, but not with a certified sex therapist. It turns out that the location we live in, makes it hard to find a certified sex therapist. Instead, there are some therapists whom will be somewhat comfortable about talking about sex. This is according to the individual we spoke to. I want to do more research, but its a start. The first question was so “What is the state of your sex life?”
Easy but not easy answer. Um not existant. Let’s see my problems. I have vaginismus along with body memories. I have issues with intimacy, which doesn’t make things easy.
As my husband described it, things like a hug, a simple kiss, and a back rub sometimes get rejected by the body memories. I dont say things and I try to hide them, but its out of my control. This makes me feel like such a terrible person. It makes me feel different. I know its from what happened when I was younger, but its a battle I’m fighting.
This individual stated that they are referring us to another person. So we shall wait til he talks to this counselor before preceding. My sister knows of a good therapist in Bucks County who does specialize in Vaginismus, but I’m hoping not to add another therapist in a far distance range. One therapist that distance is enough.

{July 18, 2011}   Why do I do this to myself?

After a physical therapy session of fitting tightly one finger, I stupidly pushed myself with my husband to try for sex. He managed to painfully get inside of me. The pain was at an 8 or 9 and when all was said and done, I spent an hour in the tub trying to calm my muscles below. Why do I do that? Actually I should know from counseling. While I don’t understand it, I guess it goes with my whole past. Some people would run from the pain, I guess because at an early age I experienced pain, I figure that this is what life is about. So I push on.
I need to stop pushing or I could damage my ability to get to the point where my body feels its okay to relax. I could really shoot myself for being so stupid. I guess hearing my husband voice quietly “I want to be inside you!” was the incentive I needed to push myself. The worse part is, I feel bad about the fact that the burning pain caused me to be in the bathtub.
My husband says that I shouldn’t feel like a baby, but I do. A little bit of blood from the event and a lot of burning and I’m pretty much stuck in the tub. Some people when they experience what they might label a 7-8 pain would be calling the doctor or going to the hospital. Not me. Its deal with it in the bathtub and count the hours til my body decides that enough time has passed to calm down.
It isn’t like I can really call a doctor. My doctors office doesn’t know much about my condition. A gyn would just say “It’s going to take time.” There isn’t really any kind of medication or ointment I can put down there. I guess I could apply ice, but its not exactly able to be placed inside. So I just have to sit it out. Maybe this was my wake up call to take things slowly and not push myself.
I guess I know what my next counseling session will be talking about.

et cetera