Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{July 17, 2011}   Physical Therapy Session

I went for physical therapy. I have some new stretches to work on. I’m realizing that my left side is weaker than my right side. The physical therapist decided to do internal work. I feel like a big baby.The PT managed to get their one finger inside me for stretching after some time. It was amazing to notice that most of the pain and burning seemed to connect more to the left than right. Although the further inside the finger went, the harder it was to say that the pain wasn’t all over the place. The burning pain was very evident and the pain was a level 3.


This is the challenge I find. My son has been having issues with reflux, which we didn’t know until yesterday. That explains the crying while eating. So getting him to nap and be at peace without being comforted has been difficult. It has also been cleaning up spit up that smells like vomit that he projectiles across the floor. That was the signal that we needed to see the doctor. Then there is the pumping for the days I’m working. It is a battle to find a minute to myself, but I have managed. I think I did pretty good because I found 15 minutes during the beginning of naps to do the Physical Therapy. If he was crying, which unfortunately is usually the case, I let him cry inside the crib to see if he’ll go to sleep. He usually falls asleep 3-5 minutes later, but not always.
Considering all that has been going on, missing one day isn’t bad. My reflection of the exercises that when I’m on my right side and stretching my left, it just seems like I have more resistance and not as much ability to rotate like I do when I’m on my right side. I’ve also been working on my breathing. I wasn’t able to measure myself as I down own a measuring tape. Maybe I’ll pick up one up the next time I am at a store.

{July 5, 2011}   Sex Therapy?

I’ve been up for the past couple hours trying to read the difference between a normal counselor and a sex therapist. My counselor I’m currently seeing has talked a little about my bedroom life (which isn’t a big novel or a big topic to say the least.) Trust me every time he enters that conversation, I’m a bit uncomfortable. Vaginismus has made my sex life, my body, um an open book for the medical community to say the least.
Unfortunately, it has placed my husband on this path as well. I thank God for the fact that he’s so supportive. When the PT said something about seeing a Sex Therapist, I thought he’d be like “um no.” His only comment was “if the pt feels that this will help, then we will look into finding a good sex therapist.”
I have to admit, I’m scared. I’m wondering if others with my condition have done sex therapy and how it helped them toward their end goal.

A lot has happened since the last post. Unfortunately, not soo much with the curing my vaginismus problem or getting a hold of my physical therapist. I’m going to do that this week. My husband ended up in the hospital for abdominal pains due to a blockage. We lucked out that he was only admitted for observation and that the blockage cleared itself. We almost thought he was going to have abdominal surgery. Unfortunately, it looks like that is a definate possibility in the future.

I do see that the media is bringing more aware of a condition that for soo long has been hidden. I’ve seen a total of 3. I liked certain aspects of all, and didn’t care for certian aspects. I really liked that 20/20 posted up about vulvadania. It didn’t really focus in on Vaginismus but it at least made an awareness to something most people don’t know. I commend the three women whom put themselves up infront of others.

Then MTV did a really good episode on painful sex. It addressed Vaginismus and it had 3 girls, who again, put themselves up on television so that others can learn about the condition. Bravo to you girls. More of us should be willing to say “Hey, I have a problem with sex. This doesn’t make me any less of a person.” Unfortunately, society has a way of making us feel a certain way.

TLC just recently did a story which addressed one couple. I thought it was interesting how it only highlighted Women’s Therapy Center in New York City. It almost made it seem like they were the only answer. I want to again recognize the couple whom posted their feelings and experiences out to everyone. I wished that TLC had also included some other sucess stories of girls who didn’t get professional help and those who got other professional help. That was it’s only draw back.

The other two had shown many ways. Not that I have proof, but it seems like it was an advertising ploy for one group. Why not present that there are other methods of reaching sucess. I’ve seen women whom have done the dilators by themselves without a doctor, physical therapist, or friends help. Cure themselves. Very hard to do, but it has happened.

There are girls out there that will go for botox and swear by it. I found physical therapy to be my reach to the end. I will go back to it. All’s I can say is that there is no cookie cutter method. Even going to one professional, if the person isn’t the right fit, doesn’t mean its the right method. Patience, respect for oneself, and a end plan are important to reaching sucess.

I will say that something I don’t really care for, and I know its what they do to get people to watch the show. For example, TLC. They titled their program “Strange Sex”. How many of us girls before knowing the name of our condition and afterwards thought “I’m weird.. I’m a freak.. noone would really want me.” I wish they would have titled it something different. Strange sex would be to me some physical action that is different from anyone else. I understand that putting a medical name may mean that they reduce their audience. I feel that term to be offensive.

We are not weird. Yes we have a condition that makes sex difficult and painful. Its curable. We are not permanently unable to have sex. It may take time and patience, but it is curable. Maybe its just me, but I find the term strange sex maybe not the best choice of words.

{May 15, 2011}   Vaginismis and swimming

Frustration is what I feel. I hate feeling like this problem controls my life. I constantly fight and when I do fight I pay. I got my period this week and my 7 month old son had his first swimming lesson. It is a parent-child lesson. This means a tampon is necessary. After 20 min of forcing it in, and a tear-filled face I got it in. I then dcided I couldn’t do it, only to discover it got stuck. So I went to the lesson with percoset in me. It took 5 min to get it out in the shower. I am in severe pain and just frustrated.
I will be calling my old PT to see about an appointment. I refuse to let this beat me.

After careful thought and reflection, and a phone contact to the place. I’m going to continue my trips on certain weekends out of town to see the physical therapist that I have been seeing for some time now. The new PT only has 2 days that she works as late as 4:00 and its not in Harrisburg. Its in Mechanicsburg and really makes it hard for me to continue breastfeeding. After much thought and reflection, I am realizing that this situation isn’t necessarily in the cards. Unfortunately, because it would have been ideal. So I’m going to be setting up an appointment with the person whom I’ve been going to and begin the path to recovery. I appreciate the assistance, but it just doesn’t seem like it is going to work out.

{February 27, 2011}   5 months post pregnancy

If the only experience of sex I get is the few times before I concieved my son, then I guess I can be thankful. But I am hopeful that I can return to the sucess I had a little over a year ago.. The pain wasn’t completely away, but I was able to experience sex and I was able to concieve my wonderful son. I feel soo blessed. I’m back in physical therapy. In the beginning my husband was supportive but hestitant that this would lead to hope. Now after Colin, he’s pestering me about setting up appointments. So I think I definately see a change in his mind about physical therapy.

We’ve tried a couple times with no sucess. Even my physical therapist noted the tightness, so it wasn’t just me. I nearly cried during the therapy session as she was doing the internal stretching. It was painful. Not only was it physically painful but emotionally frustrated. I guess I didn’t really think about the possibility of complete inability to have someone enter me again. Here goes concerns of physical examinations with GYNS. I don’t use tampons. Had I used tampons, maybe I would have known, but I didn’t. The only tell tale sign was the inability to have sex. There was the wall again. I guess. I have to look at it this way, I did it once. I can do it again. Nose back to the grind stone.

Oh my PT found a person in Harrisburg. This PT in Harrisburg is married to an OBGYN who specializes in pelvic disorder and vaginismus :o). So I’m going to give it a shot.

{November 30, 2009}   Vaginismus and Trying to Concieve

I had a physical therapy appointment this past weekend. I asked if I should have concerns about problems with pregnancy and my pelvic floor muscles. She told me that I should be looking to find a doctor whom would know about my condition, and someone whom would be willing to do a c-section. I wasn’t thinking of going the c-section route, but she told me what could happen if a c-section did not occur. I will be happy to have kids of my own, but I kind of had hoped that a c-section would be more of an emergency thing as opposed, to going about the whole process without thinking natural birth.
So now I have to share my story in person with another person.

One might think. She can write this stuff online, she is pretty open. I think its easier because you don’t see your audience and I chose what details to share. Whereas when your infront of another human being. They are right there and as you share your wondering what they are thinking. In reality I shouldn’t care what they think about my husband or I. So the phone and I will be using my free Monday to connect with someone for consult.

I have also learned about the importance of taking Folic Acid and prenatal vitamins. I have benefited from a family member whom needed a fertitly specialists support due to fibroids. So I have to up my sexual life to every other day. My husband and I still don’t have sex on any kind of regular basis. The past experience was okay until my husband moved my leg a certain way, which changed the direction he was pushing and caused excruiating pain. I felt bad screaming out loud, but the pain was sooo bad. I just asked that he talk to me when he wants to do things.

I wish I could say I could just hop into bed and everything was moving exactly like they show in the movies. It takes me a long time to be ready and then it it takes a long time just to relax. So for me the whole thing is a process. That is frustrating, but its nice to think that I’m at the point I am now. So my next path in this journey of healing is adding on trying to have a baby.

{November 22, 2009}   Pelvic Floor Muscles and Vaginismus

After a long week of paperwork and work stress, I realize why I’ve been nauseated, tired, and probably having constant muscle spasms. Like someone commented on here previously its the stress. I believe I remember the PT mentioning this before, but sometimes a little reminder and a little reality check doesn’t hurt. We have made additional attempts. The pain on average is a 1 or 2. Our past attempt was at a 1.
I’m not sure if I should be worried, but I had a little blood (spotting) after doing it with my husband. The other thing is there is external pain. I thought that I had put enough lubricant on, but I guess I may not have. I don’t think this will change my progress. I think I need to be careful not to let myself get to anxious. This is easier said than done.
It doesn’t help that I’m in a hospital as I wait my sister’s new babies arrival. The chairs are not soft and I have been here for hours.
Being the hour that it is.. the sentences and spelling may or may not be coherent.

Every week I try to find something small to say hey, I’m making progress. I’m not sure if I will always have the pelvic floor contracting when I’m stressed or if the continued physical therapy and homework will give me enough that eventually I won’t have to deal with the physical pain from stress.

I have pondered whether or not Botox would assist with this or not.

{November 15, 2009}   Sucess with Missionary

Yesterday my dear husband and I made another attempt. We are hoping to get pregnant.  From the books I’ve read, the missionary position is the method that increases odds of conception.  Plus, I just wanted to be able to say that a traditional position and a position that is suppose to allow for more intimacy wasn’t creating the wall.  I could understand if I was trying some of those positions that you hear from word of mouth that requires flexibility and practice.

It took us 3 hours, but we did it.  It took a lot of breathing and I found that if he gave me control with guiding that there was more sucess.  As I breathed and got more comfortable, I told him to slowly lift up and slowly lower and eventually when I felt like he was in the whole way with a level of 1-2 discomfort, I was able to release control.  I had to stop a few times with the body memories, but it felt great to get past the wall that has been there.

Now with any hopes we can start a family.  I’m continuing the physical therapy.  My Pelvic floor muscles seem to be in a constant state of contracting.  So my next goal is to get to the point where I’m not dealing with the pain from the contracting muscles or tight pelvic floor.

et cetera