Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{July 3, 2012}   An update

Still having problems with anal fissures.  However, not as severe as they were in November.  The PT, has me working on different stretches.  That combined with working on a dietary plan of action.  I’m combating this monster.   Right now the anal fissures are not noticeable. This is such a huge difference from 8 months ago when I would be hurting all day and dreading to have to go the bathroom (especially number 2) and knowing I couldn’t avoid it. Yes, there was a period that I felt freaked out and panicked.  Coming home from a trip to see family in Virginia, and having to stop at a mall for a rest stop, brought one of the most embarassingly painful memories.

Most people get a sensation that says “hey I’ve gotta find the bathroom”. Due to my muscles, I felt like I had to use the restrooms, and then felt a pain with movement.  I managed to make it to the bathroom, and then the dreaded pain that was attached with said process, made me want to cry in public. I apparently bit my lip hard enough from trying to hold in the pain (which I managed), but not without cutting my lower lip with teeth.

I hope to never experience those days again.


{March 19, 2012}   Physical Therapy

Post pregnancy, this year has been difficult. It has been discovering frustration with discovering that the process of getting back to the bed was harder and similar to what it was prior to success.  I’ve been making progress with my husband in that area.  The other aspect, is that I’ve had problems with anal fissures. I’ve been to the family doctor and have been doing the colase thing with not much success. On my last visit to the physical therapist I brought it up in the session.

It turns out that my pelvic floor has a part in this deal.  So she gave me exercises and then did some stretching.  She said its essentially the same thing as vaginismus. The only difference is that I’m not trying to fit something up the area, I’m trying to get something out.  The exact opposite problem.  So I need to work on creating space. 

I’ll just say there is pain in certain areas from some of the external/internal work completed on Saturday but I know that it will go away.  But ugh I hate the post discomfort.  It did feel good to know that I may be able to solve the problem so I don’t have repeat problems with fissures.


{November 10, 2011}  

13 months after giving birth to my son, I have suceeded with help of physical therapy to get to where I was prior to becoming pregnant. I can wear a tampon, with minimal discomfort. So if I absolutely had to use one, I can do it. I still am not a 100% okay with the whole tampon thing, but I’m getting there.

I still require a very long foreplay. This is something that I know needs to change, but I’ll take the small sucesses. Having a child only makes that harder because I don’t quite have the “hour or two” that my counselor has said I should devote to that once a week. He isn’t referring to breaking the time apart, because that I could manage.

The only thing I haven’t had and have been dreading and fearing is a pap smear. I don’t why I fear it. Maybe its because I’ve had bad experiences from Obgyns who don’t understand my condition. When someone says “Just relax”. To me that shows a lack of understanding. If I could relax, i wouldn’t be having the issues. Plus I need to find one in this area. Go figures, I find an awesome OBGYN whom understands my condition. But that individual is too far away to go for a yearly or whatever appointment. So back to searching for an OBGYN.

I had a small set back with my progress, but I have returned with the same passion and goal. I can and will get to my end goal.

{October 9, 2011}  

A lot has happened. I’ve been doing physical therapy sessions, but due to things going on in my life. My homework hasn’t been really been worked on. Today, my husband and I actually made an attempt. It wasn’t pain free, but I would say at a level of a 1 and at times 4 with pain. However, we were able to do it.

So I was thankful.

Due to stresses in my life currently, it has been hard for me to relax and even use the mental imagery of clouds. The yeast has made things difficult for me. I picked up monistat, but only have used it externally. I know I need to find some way of getting the tubes they provide inside so that way it can do a more effective job.
I have a PT coming up recently, but not sure how well this is going to work with a yeast infection. I am guessing I should call and see before driving the distance to do the appointment.
I’ve only done one attempt several weeks back.

{August 26, 2011}  

I’ve lost my mind and organization of my day to day schedule. I know I have another counseling appointment in a few days, but I don’t know if I scheduled PT same time or not. So now I’ve got to call my PT and verify when my next session is with them.
Since the one attempt not much has really happened. Right now with somethings going on in my life, I’m not relaxed enough and probably wouldn’t be able to relax even if I wanted to. I need a vacation from my mind. Oh wait I think I remember my husband saying he noted the PT appointment somewhere (maybe phone or maybe his Ipod). I may not have to call unless I scheduled them on the same day. Lets pray that this isn’t the case.

Internally I’m going through a wide range of motions. I keep trying to hide most. Being a mother, I can’t let my son see all that is going on. I don’t want him to see the pain, the fear, or anger that sometimes pops up inside of me. I have to at those moments, shove them deep inside. Recognize those emotions for what they are and then focus on my son.
When I am with him, that is when I relax. Not completele relaxation. Its amazing how a child can make you smile.

My life hasn’t been the easiest but I think everyone deals with various things. What is difficult to one person is nothing to the next person? You can’t compare people’s lives. So why bother trying. Growing up I use to be picked on, bullied, and beat up by other students. I was always taught to be nice and not do anything back. Probably because of my past but because my parents taught me that. It wasn’t really sucessful, but hey I didn’t lose my integrity and I became stronger as a result.
My saving grace in middle school, was I would visualize Jesus walking next to me. I use to have conversations with him. My faith that God was with me, was the reason I internalized his presence in the room with me. My faith hasn’t swaggered away from him. He is my comfort, my guide, my father.
Something happened that has put me in a place that well I never have been or would have expected to be in. Its a sticky situation. With prayer and with his guidance I will make it through. Every path has its bumps and I’m sitting on that right now. Waiting to see what direction I’m to take.
Alls I know is to be honest and to be as honest as possible. With being honest and with my faith in God, and with family support, I know that I will get through. But the thought that came to me was.

I know my life could get crazier, so I’m not going to think its at the worst possible point in life. But as always God is right beside me. I just need to keep that nestled right in my mind.

I know this isn’t vaginismus related or it doesn’t really address my last counseling session and I’m being vague about what is going on, but I have my reasons.

{August 20, 2011}   When do you try another step?

This was a question a friend of mine said. We were talking about ways of combating vaginismus (ie dilators, botox, sex therapy, and physical therapy). There is also centers like the Womens Therapy Center in New York City.
I don’t know the answer to the question. I know the WTC claim that for mostwomen they can do a two week therapy to a cure. So I guess you would definately know there when a new method was necessary.

The thing with dilators and physical therapy, these take time. It’s not an overnight situation. I said that for example, when I started physical therapy, I had some uncertainities. However, I figured give it a year. well I noticed improvements within that year. I think jumping quickly or to fast can limit your ability to see if you ware where you need to be.
Right now, the right place to be is physical therapy.

If in a year, I don’t feel like it is getting me to my next step. Which is a little less than a year actually. Don’t know what.

I would love to write, I had pain free sex. Yeah! That would be like the ultimate post. But I’ll take what I can get! He was at least able to enter me, but not without pain level. I would rate the pain at a 6. With my body memories and intimacy issues, combined with well the fact that it was painful, the thoughts of clouds just kind of went.
I did try the pillows and the other suggestions. They seemed to help to at least allow entrance. The last attempt it was the wall. While some would probably say I should of stopped, that isn’t me. Plus I wanted to give a gift to my husband. So I pushed myself. My personal goals in our future attempts is to really focus on the relaxation strategies and on those muscles. This is where I sometimes think botox might be an option for me. Especially since my bodies natural defense mechanism is to tighten up. But I am making progress again. Assuming I don’t get pregnant, which is reduced by the condoms and by well breastfeeding. I may have a chance at working on the pain levels. We shall see. I’m hoping that pushing it doesn’t cause the wall, but we shall see. This process always seems a little bit like a back and forth kind of motion.

{August 16, 2011}   A silly question

I guess I shouldn’t feel silly asking the questioning about position (even with the (I guess its called) missionary position), if there is a proper and improper way. I don’t mean proper and improper, but is there one that makes the muscles in the pelvic floor tighten more or less. I don’t know if I make sense or not. I don’t know why I feel silly going into detail. Hey this individual has been dealing with my most private problem and they are there to help with that condition. Why should I feel silly? Is it really that ridiculous of a question?
Why is it that I can ask some questions and then when it comes to actually talking about it? I go quiet. Part of the homework is to describe the experience. Wow. That’s where I have trouble. Lucky for me my husband is going along and he can help me field the answer to that question.
I guess its a comfort level with myself, my condition, and the topic.

et cetera