Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{July 13, 2009}   Vaginimsus woes

I did my homework with the dilators last night. I did an hour session while watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.  I did notice that I have had recent problems of the dilator getting it stuck.  I experience the normal “burning pain”, but then I’ll try to reposition if it feels like it is hitting a wall. It literally took me 15 minutes after the thing was inside to get it out. It was stuck inside. I panicked, which didn’t help with the pain or anxiety.

Today I find it hard to sit and I’ve had spasms of pain in my abdomen.  I have dealt with abdominal pains since college with no answers. Until today, I never realized that even if you are not doing insertions Vaginismus can still cause you pain.  The doctor informed me for the first time that the pain and area is connected to the muscles that are connected to this whole Vag.  For the first time ever, I finally can say I know what is causing my pain.  Most people probably don’t realize what this means to me.

For the past 7 years, I would go through pain that would leave me stuck to bed on steroids and in my abdomen. I would go from specialist to specialist with no answers. Today, I found out what that pain is.  It all makes sense, but until now I feel like others have confirmed it.  No more being sent to the hospital to have tests and have to fight insurance because a doctor or person at the desk screwed up the paperwork to get insurance to cover it.  No more suffering through tests that won’t help.

The other good news, that is if the PT in the area I’m calling tomorrow accepts my insurance. My Doctor told me I can give the name of the person and place and they will write a referral. I don’t have to schedule another appointment.  So while the woes is the pain. I guess I have one odd celebration (knowledge of what is causing pain) and the okay to set up this PT.  Let’s pray insurance covers it.

My doctor also gave me some muscle relaxants and I’m able to go back and get more if this helps :-D!! So while the pain right now is bad, and I’m sufferering.  I’m thinking there may be a light at the end of tunnel. 

In regards to pregnancy issues. I’ve joined the ttcwithvaginismus support group as recommended. Im learning about the “Turkey Baster Method” to pregancy, and weighing options. I was thinking about this because at the office, I go to pick up a magazine while waiting. My luck. The first two magazines I pick are pregancy magazines. I’m not yet pregant and I”m sure none of these women are doing it with vaginismus.  So I’m not going to look inside and feel depressed or reminded of my issues.  I chose not right now. 

Please pray that the PT and medication is the light at the correct tunnel.


{July 2, 2009}   Biological Clock Pounding

I’m preparing to celebrate my 27th birthday and I know there is still 3 more years til I celebrate my 30th.  But for my husband and I this was the milestone to start having children.  It has also been rough because it use to be only my inlaws asking, so when do you plan on starting a family. My parents have really been on the ball with this whole “you know if you want to have children, now is a good time as any”.  It doesn’t help with all the pictures of babies in wombs or new born pics on facebook.

About 95% of my married friends have had children.  Starting a family isn’t a competition or a race. It is about what is best for the individual.  The thing is we are ready.  The only problem is the vaginismus which is complicated with my past.  I’m starting to think the chances of obtaining a child the normal way is completely out the door.  My counselor says I need to be patient. That is easy for him to say when he doesn’t have these feelings and he’s not on some kind of emotional roller coaster.

I’ve dealt with the emotional roller coaster, but I’m experiencing a new low. If that is possible. Lately, I will see a baby or a mother and be expecting and think “I wish that was me.”  Or I will be reminded of  a discussion either with family members whom don’t understand and think they do, or a comment made by my husband.  We discussed invitrofertilization since my own Mom whose a nurse mentioned that. 

My husbands reaction was that my problem is taking the whole suprise factor out of having kids.  You know a lot of people say they are not actively trying, but if it happens it would be nice.  I’m thinking a lot of people use contraceptives and when they begin to be ready they stop the contraceptive.  It isn’t a suprise, it is more a suprise as to the time frame.  I don’t see how invitro would really take the suprise factor.  It would still be a suprise if it succeeded and a suprise on the number of children.  That is the only thing I’m wary of is the numbers game on that one.

I’ve heard of the syringe method which I don’t know all too much about.  I was able to wear a tampon for a short period of time, which is a big step. I owe a friend on facebook whom helped me to get to the point where I could go on a trip and use a tampon if the need arised. Which it did! It lasted the majority of the trip.   So I guess that is another option.  I’m just frustrated right now.

I feel like I’m in a capsule with millions of thoughts and words swinging around me.  I have the counselor saying it will take time due to the abuse and trauma you experienced. You need to be patient… My parents reminding me that if things don’t change on the intimacy front I could be really hurt.  When are you going to have children?…… Then my husband. I always imagined we’d be further along. Things haven’t worked the way that I thought they would or pictured. .. and my own biological clock is going…  I want to be a Mom.  I want to experience child birth.

Here is the ironic thing of all the things. While I want the experience of childbirth, I fear pregnancy.  I fear the giving birth part.  If something can’t fit inside me, how is it possible for the baby to exit the area.  Will it make my chances of curing Vaginismus impossible?    These are all things that I have concerns about.  What if I get pregant and I got through labor and I’m one of those girls that requires to be cut in the vaginal area because onto of muscle tightness, I have bones that are too close together.

These are all probably irrational fears and thoughts, but they run through my mind.  But those are minor thoughts compared to the deep depression and emotional rollercoaster I’m experiencing. I have been one whom has always kept her feelings inside.  For the most part crying in public for me is almost unheard of.  Not lately.  I’m the leaky faucet and it is embarrasing.  I need to figure out something fast because this emotional rollercoaster is getting to me.

et cetera