Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

I would love to write, I had pain free sex. Yeah! That would be like the ultimate post. But I’ll take what I can get! He was at least able to enter me, but not without pain level. I would rate the pain at a 6. With my body memories and intimacy issues, combined with well the fact that it was painful, the thoughts of clouds just kind of went.
I did try the pillows and the other suggestions. They seemed to help to at least allow entrance. The last attempt it was the wall. While some would probably say I should of stopped, that isn’t me. Plus I wanted to give a gift to my husband. So I pushed myself. My personal goals in our future attempts is to really focus on the relaxation strategies and on those muscles. This is where I sometimes think botox might be an option for me. Especially since my bodies natural defense mechanism is to tighten up. But I am making progress again. Assuming I don’t get pregnant, which is reduced by the condoms and by well breastfeeding. I may have a chance at working on the pain levels. We shall see. I’m hoping that pushing it doesn’t cause the wall, but we shall see. This process always seems a little bit like a back and forth kind of motion.


No real sucess. No real shocker. We both fell asleep. My problem is that with a child its really impossible to do anything during the day and in the evening we are usually finishing up small projects. So by the point that we can do anything we are exhausted. Unlike some girls that can hop in bed and do a little romance or what not and ready. Thats not me.

Embarrasing to say the least, it takes me over an hour to get somewhat in the mood.I say somewhat because I’ve never really had those feelings of wanting anything. I know it stems from my past. Thats why my husband usually says “Your body doesn’t want me!”. My mind, heart, and soul do if that counts for anything. It is these moments that I want to cry. Because I love my husband and I want to please him.

Then the other problem I have which is something that runs in my family. I have the “fall asleep” at any moment. I embarrassingly and hate to say this have fall asleep on the phone (not for lack of interest in what was being talked about or who), while on the computer, and in the evening when its dark. I have even fallen asleep at a play house during a show that I was enjoying.

So I’m battling the hour, tiredenss, and my body. My counselor says I really need to give myself 5 hours inorder to have sucess. Umh.. When do I get good 5 hours of waking hours. Not happening during the day.. and I do need sleep. So I guess I need to problem solve this.

{August 13, 2011}   Physical Therapy Appointment

My most recent session with the Physical Therapy went well. We went through a bunch of different muscle strengthing exercises. Here we go again with that weak left side. I’m lopsided, I’ve decided. It doesn’t change or get better. Lol.

We then moved to internal. Oh boy!! My favorite part. When inside the physical therapist asked the pain level. I think I said 3 or 4, but now that I think about it that was me lowering the pain number which isn’t great, but thats me. I was told to think of clouds. Which ironically thinking of clouds helped. Because the tightening and pain level went down. I had the choice of going up or to the left. I avoided my left side because that is where I usually experience excruciating pain. I figured that the PT would go that direction, but hey if I get the first choice I’m going north even though I knew it wasn’t completely pain free.

After a few minutes of reminders to loosen muscles (thinking of exercises) and we go again with the clouds, I got the best news I thought possible. My pelvic floor has created space (functionable space!!!) even more than prior to the pregnancy!! :)!!!! Yes!!
So my homework assignment is to think clouds and make an attempt with my husband. Now comes the tricky situation. I’m not to dissassociate and stay present. As the PTs fingers were inside, and talking about homework, I kept tensing up. The PT kept saying “You’re tightening up as I’m talking about having sex”. (I’m not trying to tense up.. It’s my bodies defense mechanism). So now I gotta fight body memories and dissociating (my mind) to hopefully have sucess.
So we shall see. I was happy to hear about the functionable space and muscles. I’m not done Physical Therapy, but its a positive big step!! This is such great news. I’m guessing my next step is too really find a sex therapist to help me deal with my bodies natural defense mechanism due to things that happened in my past. I almost wrote the word. But not quite comfortable and to a certain degree. I know I’ll hear this discussion another session. I still feel to a certain degree, even though I know I have been told it is not my fault. I feel responsible. There I put it into words about what I feel. I feel I’m responsible for my situation. I guess I know what my next counseling session will be about.

{August 12, 2011}   A suprise friend

I spent time with someone I knew from school. I visited with them for a little bit of time. An interesting conversation was initiated by them. This visit proved to be a suprising gift because now I feel like I have someone that I know and someone whom shares something that most people don’t know anything about. This individual also has vaginismus. This was a suprise because I didn’t know that I knew anyone personally with my condition. Most of my friends with vaginismus are e-mail/facebook friends. So it was like a gift that was needed.

{August 6, 2011}   Needing a break!

I need a mental break. I need a day or really a few days where memories of my past don’t haunt. A few days of maybe being normal. I’d like to know what it feels like to be a wife without soo many physical and emotional problems. I’d like to know what its like to go to bed and just have things happen without the feelings, fears, and problems being like a big ugly “X”.
If there was a prayer that could be said, I guess it would be a vacation from the stresses of my life. I would love to be able to lock the painful memories and the side effects that have resulted from such incidences. I would love to be able to just have a week where I don’t have that on my mind or have it controlling my ability to have a healthy physical relationship with my husband.
Wow looking at what I just wrote. I probably sound tired. I guess I am tired. This has been a long journey and things in life. The normal stresses are just adding to what has already been a painful journey. No amount of words can express the pain I’m in right now.

Actually got a second call today about the ultrasound. Apparently I did have a cyst on one of my ovaries, but since the pain level was down today and no spotting, I asked if it was something that needed to be addressed or wait and sit it out. I said that since there was no bleeding and pain was down, if it might just go away.
Good news. Nothing more unless symptoms persist. I’m thrilled with that, however, I was informed that they really didn’t get as good of a look and the doc said there was note about a possible something in the fallopian tubes. Not sure if its something or not. Hey, if the pain is down and the bleeding is gone. That’s really all my concern. They couldn’t do a vaginal even with an attempt. I just need to pray that the symptoms don’t increase or come back.
So it was a cheery bit of news.

{July 18, 2011}   Why do I do this to myself?

After a physical therapy session of fitting tightly one finger, I stupidly pushed myself with my husband to try for sex. He managed to painfully get inside of me. The pain was at an 8 or 9 and when all was said and done, I spent an hour in the tub trying to calm my muscles below. Why do I do that? Actually I should know from counseling. While I don’t understand it, I guess it goes with my whole past. Some people would run from the pain, I guess because at an early age I experienced pain, I figure that this is what life is about. So I push on.
I need to stop pushing or I could damage my ability to get to the point where my body feels its okay to relax. I could really shoot myself for being so stupid. I guess hearing my husband voice quietly “I want to be inside you!” was the incentive I needed to push myself. The worse part is, I feel bad about the fact that the burning pain caused me to be in the bathtub.
My husband says that I shouldn’t feel like a baby, but I do. A little bit of blood from the event and a lot of burning and I’m pretty much stuck in the tub. Some people when they experience what they might label a 7-8 pain would be calling the doctor or going to the hospital. Not me. Its deal with it in the bathtub and count the hours til my body decides that enough time has passed to calm down.
It isn’t like I can really call a doctor. My doctors office doesn’t know much about my condition. A gyn would just say “It’s going to take time.” There isn’t really any kind of medication or ointment I can put down there. I guess I could apply ice, but its not exactly able to be placed inside. So I just have to sit it out. Maybe this was my wake up call to take things slowly and not push myself.
I guess I know what my next counseling session will be talking about.

{July 17, 2011}   Botox

I saw a member on one of the support groups say that they had success with Botox. I am not sure about the whole “Botox injections.” Part of me thinks, it might be worth checking into and the other part of me has all these questions and concerns.
Like is there a risk for Botox, since you are sticking chemicals into the body. How about feeling of any kind? How long has Botox been used for this condition? Is this the kind of thing where the individual has a period of sucess and then has to pay for the procedure again? Is Botox something that works for an individual who has a past and has body memories?
Every once in a while, I think here is that “pill-like” cure that I’ve been dreaming of.
I think like my counselor said, keep with the direction I’m going. Just think about it and research the procedure. If things don’t show progress within 6 months, start down another alley.

{July 17, 2011}   Physical Therapy Session

I went for physical therapy. I have some new stretches to work on. I’m realizing that my left side is weaker than my right side. The physical therapist decided to do internal work. I feel like a big baby.The PT managed to get their one finger inside me for stretching after some time. It was amazing to notice that most of the pain and burning seemed to connect more to the left than right. Although the further inside the finger went, the harder it was to say that the pain wasn’t all over the place. The burning pain was very evident and the pain was a level 3.

I’ve always found that when I’m nervous I laugh. I hate being serious. I guess its my little way of getting around things that are stressing me out. After the wedding, I would often make a joke about the situation with my husband to make light of our situation. At the time, my husband thought it wasn’t exactly funny. Not that I think the condition is funny. I just needed a way to relieve the tension and embarrasement and emotions that were going on inside me.
4 1/2 years later, he is now making jokes and sometimes at my expense. It doesn’t bother me. To me, you either laugh and work through, or cry and go into despair. I’ve had my down times and my up times. I’ve been on the downward path and more recently an even further downward spiral than I have been in years previously.
I knew that regression was a possibility. But several factors have made this downward spiral a harder climb. The impact on vaginismus on my ability to get into the pool at the time of the month has become a bit of a hard swallow. I worked so hard to be able to wear a tampon and have since then lost that ability.
So my husbands humor today reminded me something I have gone away from. Which is finding a way to take something that is bothering me and put a happy spin to it. Humor is soo important to me because it helps keep me at a distance from despair and anger.
I’m just lucky to have a husband who knows when I need a laugh and something to destress.

et cetera