Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{August 8, 2011}   That time of the month

My husband and I took our little boy swimming. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize it was that time of the month. So sorry for the tmi, but a little bit of blood in the swimsuit. Had I known I was going to get my monthly, it would have been watching my son and my husband swimming in the water. I can’t use tampons, so it would have allowed me time to rest on the chair. My husband said it was fortunate that it didn’t start until later because it allowed me time in the water.
I still feel bad, but it wasn’t like I stepped in the water with my period and just didn’t do anything. SO now no more swimming for me at least. It would have meant sitting on the side lines and looking what I feel to be a fool.


I’ve always found that when I’m nervous I laugh. I hate being serious. I guess its my little way of getting around things that are stressing me out. After the wedding, I would often make a joke about the situation with my husband to make light of our situation. At the time, my husband thought it wasn’t exactly funny. Not that I think the condition is funny. I just needed a way to relieve the tension and embarrasement and emotions that were going on inside me.
4 1/2 years later, he is now making jokes and sometimes at my expense. It doesn’t bother me. To me, you either laugh and work through, or cry and go into despair. I’ve had my down times and my up times. I’ve been on the downward path and more recently an even further downward spiral than I have been in years previously.
I knew that regression was a possibility. But several factors have made this downward spiral a harder climb. The impact on vaginismus on my ability to get into the pool at the time of the month has become a bit of a hard swallow. I worked so hard to be able to wear a tampon and have since then lost that ability.
So my husbands humor today reminded me something I have gone away from. Which is finding a way to take something that is bothering me and put a happy spin to it. Humor is soo important to me because it helps keep me at a distance from despair and anger.
I’m just lucky to have a husband who knows when I need a laugh and something to destress.

{May 15, 2011}   Vaginismis and swimming

Frustration is what I feel. I hate feeling like this problem controls my life. I constantly fight and when I do fight I pay. I got my period this week and my 7 month old son had his first swimming lesson. It is a parent-child lesson. This means a tampon is necessary. After 20 min of forcing it in, and a tear-filled face I got it in. I then dcided I couldn’t do it, only to discover it got stuck. So I went to the lesson with percoset in me. It took 5 min to get it out in the shower. I am in severe pain and just frustrated.
I will be calling my old PT to see about an appointment. I refuse to let this beat me.

{October 19, 2009}   Tampon Frustrations

So I made the choice to go without pads for this menstrual cycle.  Something I would never have thought doing in the months or even years past.  I felt slightly frustrated on Sunday when I had a baby shower, that when I changed my pad. I discovered that the insertion was painful. I ended going to scavengar hunt for  a bag of pads because I was in so much discomfort. Upon trying to remove, it felt like it was stuck.  I pulled it out with a level 3 pain. I broke down crying in a restroom of a place I was hosting a baby shower. 

I later inserted another tampon with more sucess. I’m still getting discomfort with tampons.  I am not sure what to think.  I know that I’m further than before.  I’m pondering if I should take a break with the tampons due to the pain to let the area heal and rest or if continuing down the path I’m on is the right choice.  My husband says that he read on the whole dilator manual (when I was using them) that you shouldn’t persist if something hurts.  Then there is a part of me that says I should push myself. 

I guess I will need to ask the PT her thoughts this weekend.

Well a lot has been  happening.  I’m still doing the muscles stretching and posture exercises given by my physical therapist. I actually have been doing more bi-weekly sessions and things seem to be moving. For anyone whom is new to vaginismus, let me say that having a physical therapist makes all the difference.   You learn more about yourself, your body, and you will find that the process will move quicker. I’m not completely cured, but compared to how I felt a year ago. I felt like I was a hopeless case. 4 years with nothing to show for anything. 

Now I think I can try to  wear a tampon during my next monthly visitor for the whole day.  I’m going to try to not use pads.  This is pretty big.  I am also scheduling a gyn visit to see how that goes.  I have not had a sucess gyn visit.  Not that I look forward to being in a vulnerable position, but to see if I can manage a sucessful papsmear.  This would be huge, since it has been impossible.  Sex is still an issue, but a lot of that stems from my past.

It is that fear of being hurt again, even though I trust my husband and don’t look at him as a threat. It is my body that my mind has to convince.  I’ve continued the counseling and have been making that  more of a focus.  So not much new to report.  My hope is that I can be cured before the new years.  It is a hope, but as the counselor said, a lot of damage took place when I was younger.  Damage that I blame myself for.  But we’re not going into those issues. I just need to realize that healing takes time.

{September 23, 2009}   Vaginismus and The Tampon Struggle

I’m 27 years old and I finally can say I wore a tampon (with very minimal discomfort and able to walk around outside water).  I’m so happy ::victory dance:: Okay. Anyone reading this whom doesn’t have Vaginimus is like “um Okay.. you’re weird”. Maybe I am weird, but I got a tampon inside me with a 1 or 2 pain level. I wore it into work and outside water.  I did this twice. Yesterday I only had it in for 1 hour and 1/2.  Then today, I had it in for 3  1/2 hours. 

I never pictured getting to where I am today.  It isn’t that I have never been introduced to tampons. My mom, a nurse, introduced them to me when I was younger. Not to mention their in magazines, bathroom stalls, and are commonly known about.  My mom couldn’t understand why I had such trouble with tampons.  Half the time I couldn’t get them in and if I managed to force one inside I collapsed due to the pain and fainted half the time.

I began to lose interest in swimming activities and pretend to be too cool for getting in the water during my time of the month because it meant having to worry about tampons.  After repeated failures and frustrations with tampons, I eventually gave up on them.  Believe it or not, some women live without insertion of tampons.  While I wore them twice, I don’t plan on wearing them on any kind of  regular basis. I perfer my pads.

But it feels like I may have won the war on tampons.  It has been something that has assisted in me feeling like I wasn’t quite a woman.  The next step will be sex, and I’m not sure that it will be a success. I’m going to do what the women on the Vaginismus Support Group told me to do.  I’m going to try not to be hard on myself and build such expectation.

Another note on the whole possible attempt at sex.  After telling my husband about my experience with a tampon. He made a surprise stop at the wine and spirits shop and bought some alchol. He stated to help us get in the mood (or relax me).  He of course made a joke about my drunk episode on my honeymoon because I was trying to get myself tipsey. At that time I had no name for my problem and figured that I just needed something to relax me and that the problem would be solved.  Guess again. But that is another story for another day.

So I had to share .. I wore a tampon. Now it was slim and regular size, so it wasn’t that big, but still I got one in and I walked around and taught with it in. So Wooohhooo!!

et cetera