Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{January 1, 2013}   Slight success after a setback

After months of crying myself to sleep and feeling even worse about myself. Not because of my husband but because of my own personal feelings. I finally managed to have some success. I admit it hurt some. I was just overjoyed that there was some success.


{October 9, 2011}  

A lot has happened. I’ve been doing physical therapy sessions, but due to things going on in my life. My homework hasn’t been really been worked on. Today, my husband and I actually made an attempt. It wasn’t pain free, but I would say at a level of a 1 and at times 4 with pain. However, we were able to do it.

So I was thankful.

I would love to write, I had pain free sex. Yeah! That would be like the ultimate post. But I’ll take what I can get! He was at least able to enter me, but not without pain level. I would rate the pain at a 6. With my body memories and intimacy issues, combined with well the fact that it was painful, the thoughts of clouds just kind of went.
I did try the pillows and the other suggestions. They seemed to help to at least allow entrance. The last attempt it was the wall. While some would probably say I should of stopped, that isn’t me. Plus I wanted to give a gift to my husband. So I pushed myself. My personal goals in our future attempts is to really focus on the relaxation strategies and on those muscles. This is where I sometimes think botox might be an option for me. Especially since my bodies natural defense mechanism is to tighten up. But I am making progress again. Assuming I don’t get pregnant, which is reduced by the condoms and by well breastfeeding. I may have a chance at working on the pain levels. We shall see. I’m hoping that pushing it doesn’t cause the wall, but we shall see. This process always seems a little bit like a back and forth kind of motion.

{July 18, 2011}   Why do I do this to myself?

After a physical therapy session of fitting tightly one finger, I stupidly pushed myself with my husband to try for sex. He managed to painfully get inside of me. The pain was at an 8 or 9 and when all was said and done, I spent an hour in the tub trying to calm my muscles below. Why do I do that? Actually I should know from counseling. While I don’t understand it, I guess it goes with my whole past. Some people would run from the pain, I guess because at an early age I experienced pain, I figure that this is what life is about. So I push on.
I need to stop pushing or I could damage my ability to get to the point where my body feels its okay to relax. I could really shoot myself for being so stupid. I guess hearing my husband voice quietly “I want to be inside you!” was the incentive I needed to push myself. The worse part is, I feel bad about the fact that the burning pain caused me to be in the bathtub.
My husband says that I shouldn’t feel like a baby, but I do. A little bit of blood from the event and a lot of burning and I’m pretty much stuck in the tub. Some people when they experience what they might label a 7-8 pain would be calling the doctor or going to the hospital. Not me. Its deal with it in the bathtub and count the hours til my body decides that enough time has passed to calm down.
It isn’t like I can really call a doctor. My doctors office doesn’t know much about my condition. A gyn would just say “It’s going to take time.” There isn’t really any kind of medication or ointment I can put down there. I guess I could apply ice, but its not exactly able to be placed inside. So I just have to sit it out. Maybe this was my wake up call to take things slowly and not push myself.
I guess I know what my next counseling session will be talking about.

{November 15, 2010}   A True Gift

I gave birth to a beautiful 7 pound and 20 1/2 inch boy. His name is Colin. He is a beautiful boy and a gift. After years without being able to have sex with my husband I thought that this dream would never be achieved. The pregnancy wasn’t easy with my pelvic floor problems. Unlike most pregnant women, I experienced contractions (consistently and monitorable) for a month before delivering. This isn’t like the norm at all. I also had a cathedar for about a week because I had to strain in the bathtub to go and it was painful.
I had a cesarian, upon recomendation of my physical therapist. At first when the word c-section was brought up it was a big no. Then with all the things that occured at my end, I had to put it into consideration. I’m glad. My son is here and while I will never know what delivering a baby naturally is like. My baby is here and I don’t have to worry about perenial nerve damage, which with my pelvic floor condition is a definate concern. The Perenial Nerve Damage is from what I read a very painful condition that can happen during delivery.
For those whom have Vaginismus. Don’t give up hope. Keep the hope. Believe in yourself and respect yourself. It can happen. It is very achievable. The gift is well worth the work you put into getting there.

I can’t believe I saw what I saw this morning. I took one of those over the counter pregnancy tests with little expectations of seeing anything. Two lines came up immediately. I didn’t have to wait more than a second to discover that I was or am pregnant. So that is the good news. I figured since my name is not attached to the blog, that I could type this. We are planning to wait to tell everyone, but I couldn’t help sharing it on here.

So now I need to make sure I get an appointment scheduled with the person in Philadelphia.

{January 10, 2010}   Sucessful GYN

I went to see the GYN. I told the person I had Vaginismus. The person I saw was wonderful. She is a CRNP ( Certfied Registered Nurse Practicioner). She talked me thru the process and asked me how I was doing. She used the smallest speculum they had. I had a sucessful Pap Smear. The person gave us a name of a specialist in Vaginismus in Philadelphia. She also gave us a prescription for Estrogen Cream. I didn’t even know there were Specialists who specialized in this field in Pennsylvania. So the appointment was a sucessful! I will have results in 3 to 5 weeks!

{December 27, 2009}   Christmas wish

I got a lot to be thankful for this year. I am not cured of Vaginismus, but I am at a point that is tolerable. I hope that my next goal is achievable. My goal is for no pain during sex and no pelvic floor pain from spasms.

I still can’t believe the progress I’ve made. I scheduled a GYN appointment. I got the best Christmas gift early!

{November 22, 2009}   Pelvic Floor Muscles and Vaginismus

After a long week of paperwork and work stress, I realize why I’ve been nauseated, tired, and probably having constant muscle spasms. Like someone commented on here previously its the stress. I believe I remember the PT mentioning this before, but sometimes a little reminder and a little reality check doesn’t hurt. We have made additional attempts. The pain on average is a 1 or 2. Our past attempt was at a 1.
I’m not sure if I should be worried, but I had a little blood (spotting) after doing it with my husband. The other thing is there is external pain. I thought that I had put enough lubricant on, but I guess I may not have. I don’t think this will change my progress. I think I need to be careful not to let myself get to anxious. This is easier said than done.
It doesn’t help that I’m in a hospital as I wait my sister’s new babies arrival. The chairs are not soft and I have been here for hours.
Being the hour that it is.. the sentences and spelling may or may not be coherent.

Every week I try to find something small to say hey, I’m making progress. I’m not sure if I will always have the pelvic floor contracting when I’m stressed or if the continued physical therapy and homework will give me enough that eventually I won’t have to deal with the physical pain from stress.

I have pondered whether or not Botox would assist with this or not.

{November 15, 2009}   Sucess with Missionary

Yesterday my dear husband and I made another attempt. We are hoping to get pregnant.  From the books I’ve read, the missionary position is the method that increases odds of conception.  Plus, I just wanted to be able to say that a traditional position and a position that is suppose to allow for more intimacy wasn’t creating the wall.  I could understand if I was trying some of those positions that you hear from word of mouth that requires flexibility and practice.

It took us 3 hours, but we did it.  It took a lot of breathing and I found that if he gave me control with guiding that there was more sucess.  As I breathed and got more comfortable, I told him to slowly lift up and slowly lower and eventually when I felt like he was in the whole way with a level of 1-2 discomfort, I was able to release control.  I had to stop a few times with the body memories, but it felt great to get past the wall that has been there.

Now with any hopes we can start a family.  I’m continuing the physical therapy.  My Pelvic floor muscles seem to be in a constant state of contracting.  So my next goal is to get to the point where I’m not dealing with the pain from the contracting muscles or tight pelvic floor.

et cetera