Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{January 1, 2013}   Slight success after a setback

After months of crying myself to sleep and feeling even worse about myself. Not because of my husband but because of my own personal feelings. I finally managed to have some success. I admit it hurt some. I was just overjoyed that there was some success.


{October 9, 2011}  

A lot has happened. I’ve been doing physical therapy sessions, but due to things going on in my life. My homework hasn’t been really been worked on. Today, my husband and I actually made an attempt. It wasn’t pain free, but I would say at a level of a 1 and at times 4 with pain. However, we were able to do it.

So I was thankful.

I would love to write, I had pain free sex. Yeah! That would be like the ultimate post. But I’ll take what I can get! He was at least able to enter me, but not without pain level. I would rate the pain at a 6. With my body memories and intimacy issues, combined with well the fact that it was painful, the thoughts of clouds just kind of went.
I did try the pillows and the other suggestions. They seemed to help to at least allow entrance. The last attempt it was the wall. While some would probably say I should of stopped, that isn’t me. Plus I wanted to give a gift to my husband. So I pushed myself. My personal goals in our future attempts is to really focus on the relaxation strategies and on those muscles. This is where I sometimes think botox might be an option for me. Especially since my bodies natural defense mechanism is to tighten up. But I am making progress again. Assuming I don’t get pregnant, which is reduced by the condoms and by well breastfeeding. I may have a chance at working on the pain levels. We shall see. I’m hoping that pushing it doesn’t cause the wall, but we shall see. This process always seems a little bit like a back and forth kind of motion.

No real sucess. No real shocker. We both fell asleep. My problem is that with a child its really impossible to do anything during the day and in the evening we are usually finishing up small projects. So by the point that we can do anything we are exhausted. Unlike some girls that can hop in bed and do a little romance or what not and ready. Thats not me.

Embarrasing to say the least, it takes me over an hour to get somewhat in the mood.I say somewhat because I’ve never really had those feelings of wanting anything. I know it stems from my past. Thats why my husband usually says “Your body doesn’t want me!”. My mind, heart, and soul do if that counts for anything. It is these moments that I want to cry. Because I love my husband and I want to please him.

Then the other problem I have which is something that runs in my family. I have the “fall asleep” at any moment. I embarrassingly and hate to say this have fall asleep on the phone (not for lack of interest in what was being talked about or who), while on the computer, and in the evening when its dark. I have even fallen asleep at a play house during a show that I was enjoying.

So I’m battling the hour, tiredenss, and my body. My counselor says I really need to give myself 5 hours inorder to have sucess. Umh.. When do I get good 5 hours of waking hours. Not happening during the day.. and I do need sleep. So I guess I need to problem solve this.

{July 18, 2011}   Why do I do this to myself?

After a physical therapy session of fitting tightly one finger, I stupidly pushed myself with my husband to try for sex. He managed to painfully get inside of me. The pain was at an 8 or 9 and when all was said and done, I spent an hour in the tub trying to calm my muscles below. Why do I do that? Actually I should know from counseling. While I don’t understand it, I guess it goes with my whole past. Some people would run from the pain, I guess because at an early age I experienced pain, I figure that this is what life is about. So I push on.
I need to stop pushing or I could damage my ability to get to the point where my body feels its okay to relax. I could really shoot myself for being so stupid. I guess hearing my husband voice quietly “I want to be inside you!” was the incentive I needed to push myself. The worse part is, I feel bad about the fact that the burning pain caused me to be in the bathtub.
My husband says that I shouldn’t feel like a baby, but I do. A little bit of blood from the event and a lot of burning and I’m pretty much stuck in the tub. Some people when they experience what they might label a 7-8 pain would be calling the doctor or going to the hospital. Not me. Its deal with it in the bathtub and count the hours til my body decides that enough time has passed to calm down.
It isn’t like I can really call a doctor. My doctors office doesn’t know much about my condition. A gyn would just say “It’s going to take time.” There isn’t really any kind of medication or ointment I can put down there. I guess I could apply ice, but its not exactly able to be placed inside. So I just have to sit it out. Maybe this was my wake up call to take things slowly and not push myself.
I guess I know what my next counseling session will be talking about.

{November 30, 2009}   Vaginismus and Trying to Concieve

I had a physical therapy appointment this past weekend. I asked if I should have concerns about problems with pregnancy and my pelvic floor muscles. She told me that I should be looking to find a doctor whom would know about my condition, and someone whom would be willing to do a c-section. I wasn’t thinking of going the c-section route, but she told me what could happen if a c-section did not occur. I will be happy to have kids of my own, but I kind of had hoped that a c-section would be more of an emergency thing as opposed, to going about the whole process without thinking natural birth.
So now I have to share my story in person with another person.

One might think. She can write this stuff online, she is pretty open. I think its easier because you don’t see your audience and I chose what details to share. Whereas when your infront of another human being. They are right there and as you share your wondering what they are thinking. In reality I shouldn’t care what they think about my husband or I. So the phone and I will be using my free Monday to connect with someone for consult.

I have also learned about the importance of taking Folic Acid and prenatal vitamins. I have benefited from a family member whom needed a fertitly specialists support due to fibroids. So I have to up my sexual life to every other day. My husband and I still don’t have sex on any kind of regular basis. The past experience was okay until my husband moved my leg a certain way, which changed the direction he was pushing and caused excruiating pain. I felt bad screaming out loud, but the pain was sooo bad. I just asked that he talk to me when he wants to do things.

I wish I could say I could just hop into bed and everything was moving exactly like they show in the movies. It takes me a long time to be ready and then it it takes a long time just to relax. So for me the whole thing is a process. That is frustrating, but its nice to think that I’m at the point I am now. So my next path in this journey of healing is adding on trying to have a baby.

{November 22, 2009}   Pelvic Floor Muscles and Vaginismus

After a long week of paperwork and work stress, I realize why I’ve been nauseated, tired, and probably having constant muscle spasms. Like someone commented on here previously its the stress. I believe I remember the PT mentioning this before, but sometimes a little reminder and a little reality check doesn’t hurt. We have made additional attempts. The pain on average is a 1 or 2. Our past attempt was at a 1.
I’m not sure if I should be worried, but I had a little blood (spotting) after doing it with my husband. The other thing is there is external pain. I thought that I had put enough lubricant on, but I guess I may not have. I don’t think this will change my progress. I think I need to be careful not to let myself get to anxious. This is easier said than done.
It doesn’t help that I’m in a hospital as I wait my sister’s new babies arrival. The chairs are not soft and I have been here for hours.
Being the hour that it is.. the sentences and spelling may or may not be coherent.

Every week I try to find something small to say hey, I’m making progress. I’m not sure if I will always have the pelvic floor contracting when I’m stressed or if the continued physical therapy and homework will give me enough that eventually I won’t have to deal with the physical pain from stress.

I have pondered whether or not Botox would assist with this or not.

{November 15, 2009}   Sucess with Missionary

Yesterday my dear husband and I made another attempt. We are hoping to get pregnant.  From the books I’ve read, the missionary position is the method that increases odds of conception.  Plus, I just wanted to be able to say that a traditional position and a position that is suppose to allow for more intimacy wasn’t creating the wall.  I could understand if I was trying some of those positions that you hear from word of mouth that requires flexibility and practice.

It took us 3 hours, but we did it.  It took a lot of breathing and I found that if he gave me control with guiding that there was more sucess.  As I breathed and got more comfortable, I told him to slowly lift up and slowly lower and eventually when I felt like he was in the whole way with a level of 1-2 discomfort, I was able to release control.  I had to stop a few times with the body memories, but it felt great to get past the wall that has been there.

Now with any hopes we can start a family.  I’m continuing the physical therapy.  My Pelvic floor muscles seem to be in a constant state of contracting.  So my next goal is to get to the point where I’m not dealing with the pain from the contracting muscles or tight pelvic floor.

  My husband and I had a sucess in the bedroom again.  This is the celebration.  There was a little bit of discomfort and no real pleasure, but a sucess.  The first attempt was awkward in that I was faced away and while it was a sucess, I really had to fight body memories and so it even more amazing that there was sucess. Like I said previously, we didn’t exactly plan it, it just kind of happened. 

This morning we made another attempt with me on top, which was a sucess.  The other day we tried this same position and had a not so sucessful experience, but today we had sucess.  This was good to know that we could do it this way. This felt a bit normal position and I prefered this to what originally worked.  We still have no sucess with the missionary position. Isn’t that suppose to be the easiest and most basic position?

My frustration comes that we hit the wall every time. I freeze, my body memories are the worst and when we are in that position, my mind and body are on the verge of breaking from my body. It feels like some psychotic break.  My husband doesn’t understand the whole body memory thing. The counselor tried to explain it, but I understand its not exactly something most people experience.

Will I never be able to have sex like this?  Will there always be that block?  I know part of its connected or a lot of it connects to issues with my past.  And as a result of my past, the body memories, the pelvic floor muscles begin their dance, but I wish I could put a halt on their movements. I guess I should be happy with the sucess (and I am) but I guess I kind of was hoping that I could say that the positions that seem the most basic and prevalent were doable.

I have to remind myself one step at a time.  It is so difficult at times. I seem so close to a complete cure but I’m still working on it. My counselor says I’m hard on myself in general. I guess so, but if I’m not hard on myself and holding myself accountable for myself, who will be there.   

But the celebration today is the fact that I had another sucessful event. While there was an unsucessful event with two positions, I’ve still maintained the ability to have intercourse. And I think maybe the discomfort was even less than before.

I just felt like sharing.  And with any luck maybe I might be pregnant, I doubt it will be easy like that, but there is always hope.

After careful reflection, I have compared the painful events where there was partial sucess and the one sucess episode.  When I was given the homework assignment by my Physical therapist to attempt at sex for informative purpose, I know I was told that I needed to be in the mood and that I had to be relaxed.  I think having the homework assignment and feeling like it was important to get data, may have made it be more difficult to relax and be in the mood so to speak.

It is funny.  Well not funny, but the irony is I thought I wanted it.  I desired to be normal.  I guess normal isn’t the right word, but I desired the physical intimacy that a lot of married couples experiences.  I wanted to see progress, even if it meant suffering a low level pain.  I think I put so much stress and emphasis that I made for a more painful situation.

I’ve learned from that mistake. Although I say I’ve learned, I can’t control my body because sometimes the natural desire and interest can sometimes not match.  You can sometimes fool yourself into thinking that your in the mood and not realize that there are other things that impede it, but I have a better understanding that if something isn’t sucessful does not mean immediate regression. 

This was something I was reflecting because in one of the support groups I’m in this discussion came about.  I think soo many times with the natural difficulties and blockks to a natural healthy sex life, and using of tampons. Many of us jump on “there goes my pelvic muscles” or I’ve regressed as opposed to thinking about our current state of mind.  Especially with individuals with vaginismus, the natural need for foreplay and being in the mood is soo important.

You have to have sex when you desire it and not when others want you to have it.  If there is pressure from your partner and your not in the mood, it may result in a painful or unsucess.  I have learned to be more open about really where I am mentally in the process. 

I’m over the swine flu, and while I want to make another attempt with my husband, I’m not going to run to bed until I know that I’m ready and in the mood. I want it to be sucessful. That doesn’t mean I’m going to wait weeks, but I want to make sure that when I make another attempt I have the time to put into the process.

I do hope that someday that I can have what people call “quickies” or maybe that really doesn’t exist. Right now my goal is to have continued progress in the bedroom and to eventually get to the point where I can enjoy myself in the bedroom.  I hope that this isn’t an unrealistic goal or dream.

et cetera