Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{August 13, 2011}   Physical Therapy Appointment

My most recent session with the Physical Therapy went well. We went through a bunch of different muscle strengthing exercises. Here we go again with that weak left side. I’m lopsided, I’ve decided. It doesn’t change or get better. Lol.

We then moved to internal. Oh boy!! My favorite part. When inside the physical therapist asked the pain level. I think I said 3 or 4, but now that I think about it that was me lowering the pain number which isn’t great, but thats me. I was told to think of clouds. Which ironically thinking of clouds helped. Because the tightening and pain level went down. I had the choice of going up or to the left. I avoided my left side because that is where I usually experience excruciating pain. I figured that the PT would go that direction, but hey if I get the first choice I’m going north even though I knew it wasn’t completely pain free.

After a few minutes of reminders to loosen muscles (thinking of exercises) and we go again with the clouds, I got the best news I thought possible. My pelvic floor has created space (functionable space!!!) even more than prior to the pregnancy!! :)!!!! Yes!!
So my homework assignment is to think clouds and make an attempt with my husband. Now comes the tricky situation. I’m not to dissassociate and stay present. As the PTs fingers were inside, and talking about homework, I kept tensing up. The PT kept saying “You’re tightening up as I’m talking about having sex”. (I’m not trying to tense up.. It’s my bodies defense mechanism). So now I gotta fight body memories and dissociating (my mind) to hopefully have sucess.
So we shall see. I was happy to hear about the functionable space and muscles. I’m not done Physical Therapy, but its a positive big step!! This is such great news. I’m guessing my next step is too really find a sex therapist to help me deal with my bodies natural defense mechanism due to things that happened in my past. I almost wrote the word. But not quite comfortable and to a certain degree. I know I’ll hear this discussion another session. I still feel to a certain degree, even though I know I have been told it is not my fault. I feel responsible. There I put it into words about what I feel. I feel I’m responsible for my situation. I guess I know what my next counseling session will be about.


{July 23, 2011}   Sex Therapy Session 1

My husband and I went to an appointment, but not with a certified sex therapist. It turns out that the location we live in, makes it hard to find a certified sex therapist. Instead, there are some therapists whom will be somewhat comfortable about talking about sex. This is according to the individual we spoke to. I want to do more research, but its a start. The first question was so “What is the state of your sex life?”
Easy but not easy answer. Um not existant. Let’s see my problems. I have vaginismus along with body memories. I have issues with intimacy, which doesn’t make things easy.
As my husband described it, things like a hug, a simple kiss, and a back rub sometimes get rejected by the body memories. I dont say things and I try to hide them, but its out of my control. This makes me feel like such a terrible person. It makes me feel different. I know its from what happened when I was younger, but its a battle I’m fighting.
This individual stated that they are referring us to another person. So we shall wait til he talks to this counselor before preceding. My sister knows of a good therapist in Bucks County who does specialize in Vaginismus, but I’m hoping not to add another therapist in a far distance range. One therapist that distance is enough.

{July 8, 2011}   Sex Therapy Decision

My husband and I are contacting our insurance for a list of names of sex therapists in the area. After recieving comments, reading, and thinking about it, it might make more sense than a couples counselor. So I’ll be making a phone call today. Then it comes that fun finding someone who understands my condition and my past. Thanks everyone whom commented about their experiences. 🙂

{July 5, 2011}   Sex Therapy?

I’ve been up for the past couple hours trying to read the difference between a normal counselor and a sex therapist. My counselor I’m currently seeing has talked a little about my bedroom life (which isn’t a big novel or a big topic to say the least.) Trust me every time he enters that conversation, I’m a bit uncomfortable. Vaginismus has made my sex life, my body, um an open book for the medical community to say the least.
Unfortunately, it has placed my husband on this path as well. I thank God for the fact that he’s so supportive. When the PT said something about seeing a Sex Therapist, I thought he’d be like “um no.” His only comment was “if the pt feels that this will help, then we will look into finding a good sex therapist.”
I have to admit, I’m scared. I’m wondering if others with my condition have done sex therapy and how it helped them toward their end goal.

I went to my physical therapist today. I was nervous because of the internal. The therapist did a evaluation of posture and breathing. When you breathe from your ribs, your ribs should move out to about 90 degrees and 2 centimeters (at least). I was at a 1/2 centimeter which means that the area in the pelvic floor wasn’t going to be able to have space. I also wasn’t at 90 degrees which I didn’t quite understand, but I know that the therapist knows.

The clinician started by doing an excercise that went down the side of my stomach. It was to work on the large intenstines. It was there that my legs began to squirm because when people touch me, I do show some response. Sometimes its noticeable and other times its not. I actually didn’t think it was that noticeable but I guess being a professional the therapist knows what to look for. The individual only asked why I was moving down below.

I was given a few muscle stretches, and breathing excercises. The therapist stated that there wasn’t going to be any internal until I have the breathing mastered. The clinician also said that I might consider going for Sex Therapy. This is because when someone touches me I’m tensing up and my body memories are causing me to clench up which means that I would have problems relaxing to allow for intercourse.

So it is back to square one. I’ve got my homework cut out for me. But I know that I need to do the homework or I will not make progress. The therapist said its going to take time, but that they feel that I can use my mental skills to compensate for what my body wants to fight due to things with my past. The therapist said it could be a few years before my body really begins to feel like its got nothing to be afraid of, however, I could use my mind to overpower and with given time be able to fight my bodies natural defenses.

et cetera