Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

I would love to write, I had pain free sex. Yeah! That would be like the ultimate post. But I’ll take what I can get! He was at least able to enter me, but not without pain level. I would rate the pain at a 6. With my body memories and intimacy issues, combined with well the fact that it was painful, the thoughts of clouds just kind of went.
I did try the pillows and the other suggestions. They seemed to help to at least allow entrance. The last attempt it was the wall. While some would probably say I should of stopped, that isn’t me. Plus I wanted to give a gift to my husband. So I pushed myself. My personal goals in our future attempts is to really focus on the relaxation strategies and on those muscles. This is where I sometimes think botox might be an option for me. Especially since my bodies natural defense mechanism is to tighten up. But I am making progress again. Assuming I don’t get pregnant, which is reduced by the condoms and by well breastfeeding. I may have a chance at working on the pain levels. We shall see. I’m hoping that pushing it doesn’t cause the wall, but we shall see. This process always seems a little bit like a back and forth kind of motion.


No real sucess. No real shocker. We both fell asleep. My problem is that with a child its really impossible to do anything during the day and in the evening we are usually finishing up small projects. So by the point that we can do anything we are exhausted. Unlike some girls that can hop in bed and do a little romance or what not and ready. Thats not me.

Embarrasing to say the least, it takes me over an hour to get somewhat in the mood.I say somewhat because I’ve never really had those feelings of wanting anything. I know it stems from my past. Thats why my husband usually says “Your body doesn’t want me!”. My mind, heart, and soul do if that counts for anything. It is these moments that I want to cry. Because I love my husband and I want to please him.

Then the other problem I have which is something that runs in my family. I have the “fall asleep” at any moment. I embarrassingly and hate to say this have fall asleep on the phone (not for lack of interest in what was being talked about or who), while on the computer, and in the evening when its dark. I have even fallen asleep at a play house during a show that I was enjoying.

So I’m battling the hour, tiredenss, and my body. My counselor says I really need to give myself 5 hours inorder to have sucess. Umh.. When do I get good 5 hours of waking hours. Not happening during the day.. and I do need sleep. So I guess I need to problem solve this.

Everyone has stresses and various things they have to deal with Vaginismus. For some it can be various relationship issues, finacial issues, living situation issues, other health issues. These all impact us in various ways. I find that with making progress with Vaginismus, the times I’ve have made steps in the right direction is when I was motivated. Doing the homework routinely, and attending appointments, and relaxing.

Lately, physical therapy and time for myself and my needs have gone to the back door. Emotionally I’m just stressed. When I get that alone minute to do my homework, my other stresses in life have pushed my ability to relax right out the door. I can’t focus on the assignment at hand. I find myself too stressed about another issue that really defeats the point of doing the homework. This has been a near recent occurance.

Without all the other stresses in life, I think I would be able to put the focus I need. I keep trying to tell my husband that the physical therapy is important to me.. As much as it is to him. Its just that right now my head is too overflowing with problems. I need to downshift some of the other problems so I can put my mind back in the direction of making the necessary changes.

So my goal this week is to put some of the other stresses on the back burner so I can deal with my homework in a more relaxed manner. Wish me luck on that! I could use some prayers right now.

Actually got a second call today about the ultrasound. Apparently I did have a cyst on one of my ovaries, but since the pain level was down today and no spotting, I asked if it was something that needed to be addressed or wait and sit it out. I said that since there was no bleeding and pain was down, if it might just go away.
Good news. Nothing more unless symptoms persist. I’m thrilled with that, however, I was informed that they really didn’t get as good of a look and the doc said there was note about a possible something in the fallopian tubes. Not sure if its something or not. Hey, if the pain is down and the bleeding is gone. That’s really all my concern. They couldn’t do a vaginal even with an attempt. I just need to pray that the symptoms don’t increase or come back.
So it was a cheery bit of news.

{July 18, 2011}   Why do I do this to myself?

After a physical therapy session of fitting tightly one finger, I stupidly pushed myself with my husband to try for sex. He managed to painfully get inside of me. The pain was at an 8 or 9 and when all was said and done, I spent an hour in the tub trying to calm my muscles below. Why do I do that? Actually I should know from counseling. While I don’t understand it, I guess it goes with my whole past. Some people would run from the pain, I guess because at an early age I experienced pain, I figure that this is what life is about. So I push on.
I need to stop pushing or I could damage my ability to get to the point where my body feels its okay to relax. I could really shoot myself for being so stupid. I guess hearing my husband voice quietly “I want to be inside you!” was the incentive I needed to push myself. The worse part is, I feel bad about the fact that the burning pain caused me to be in the bathtub.
My husband says that I shouldn’t feel like a baby, but I do. A little bit of blood from the event and a lot of burning and I’m pretty much stuck in the tub. Some people when they experience what they might label a 7-8 pain would be calling the doctor or going to the hospital. Not me. Its deal with it in the bathtub and count the hours til my body decides that enough time has passed to calm down.
It isn’t like I can really call a doctor. My doctors office doesn’t know much about my condition. A gyn would just say “It’s going to take time.” There isn’t really any kind of medication or ointment I can put down there. I guess I could apply ice, but its not exactly able to be placed inside. So I just have to sit it out. Maybe this was my wake up call to take things slowly and not push myself.
I guess I know what my next counseling session will be talking about.

I’ve always found that when I’m nervous I laugh. I hate being serious. I guess its my little way of getting around things that are stressing me out. After the wedding, I would often make a joke about the situation with my husband to make light of our situation. At the time, my husband thought it wasn’t exactly funny. Not that I think the condition is funny. I just needed a way to relieve the tension and embarrasement and emotions that were going on inside me.
4 1/2 years later, he is now making jokes and sometimes at my expense. It doesn’t bother me. To me, you either laugh and work through, or cry and go into despair. I’ve had my down times and my up times. I’ve been on the downward path and more recently an even further downward spiral than I have been in years previously.
I knew that regression was a possibility. But several factors have made this downward spiral a harder climb. The impact on vaginismus on my ability to get into the pool at the time of the month has become a bit of a hard swallow. I worked so hard to be able to wear a tampon and have since then lost that ability.
So my husbands humor today reminded me something I have gone away from. Which is finding a way to take something that is bothering me and put a happy spin to it. Humor is soo important to me because it helps keep me at a distance from despair and anger.
I’m just lucky to have a husband who knows when I need a laugh and something to destress.

{May 15, 2011}   Vaginismis and swimming

Frustration is what I feel. I hate feeling like this problem controls my life. I constantly fight and when I do fight I pay. I got my period this week and my 7 month old son had his first swimming lesson. It is a parent-child lesson. This means a tampon is necessary. After 20 min of forcing it in, and a tear-filled face I got it in. I then dcided I couldn’t do it, only to discover it got stuck. So I went to the lesson with percoset in me. It took 5 min to get it out in the shower. I am in severe pain and just frustrated.
I will be calling my old PT to see about an appointment. I refuse to let this beat me.

{April 21, 2011}   April 2011

Right now I’m in a bit of a rutt. My husband doesn’t seem to understand my hesitancy in changing physcial therapists. If only he understood that I’ve heard of many people with my condition that go to different clinics for many years until they find the right person. I found someone in Doylestown whom I found sucess with and whom I trust. Yes, this individual, gave the name of a person closer, but I am not certain that this is the right thing. I guess I just need to get over that emotional hump.

I understand my husband’s frustration. He spent 4 1/2 years with no sex in a marriage. We barely started having sucess and then I got pregnant and nothing for about 12 months and then nothing again because I have gone back to where I started. I am suppose to have a papsmear after the whole pregnancy, but because of the state of things, I haven’t actively seeked a gyn in the area I live. I know I’m on a downward spiral emotionally and that I just need to get back on the saddle so to speak. I just am frustrated.

My husband admitted to me for the first time, that prior to our initial sucess last December, he had thought that we were going to never be able to have sex. This was from all the reading and research he had done online. Then after sucess and seeing that the physical therapy was a sucess, that is why he is on me. I’m glad that I have him there because I need that push. Right now I’m not pushing myself. I’m getting the phone right now because I’m going to make this phone call.

I just needed to blog to deal with my fears and feelings. I’m hoping that I can do an interview before deciding that she is the right person for me.

{March 8, 2011}   Yeast and Vaginismus

I got a yeast infection unfortunately. Vaginal yeast infections are no walk in the park for anyone, but for most its a trip to the pharmacy, grocery store, or Walmart for the Monistat treatments. Right when I found out I was pregnant, I probably would have said “In the past this was impossible, but after doing physical therapy I can do it without problems.” I am back to that wall and at an impass. So I had to call my family doctor, whom still doesn’t really understand my condition. When I spoke to one of the nurses, she’s seemed uncertain why I was needing a prescription created. I said over the phone my condition. I am getting better at this, but I swear it felt harder.
I lucked out. They called an oral prescription in. I hope this works!

{February 27, 2011}   5 months post pregnancy

If the only experience of sex I get is the few times before I concieved my son, then I guess I can be thankful. But I am hopeful that I can return to the sucess I had a little over a year ago.. The pain wasn’t completely away, but I was able to experience sex and I was able to concieve my wonderful son. I feel soo blessed. I’m back in physical therapy. In the beginning my husband was supportive but hestitant that this would lead to hope. Now after Colin, he’s pestering me about setting up appointments. So I think I definately see a change in his mind about physical therapy.

We’ve tried a couple times with no sucess. Even my physical therapist noted the tightness, so it wasn’t just me. I nearly cried during the therapy session as she was doing the internal stretching. It was painful. Not only was it physically painful but emotionally frustrated. I guess I didn’t really think about the possibility of complete inability to have someone enter me again. Here goes concerns of physical examinations with GYNS. I don’t use tampons. Had I used tampons, maybe I would have known, but I didn’t. The only tell tale sign was the inability to have sex. There was the wall again. I guess. I have to look at it this way, I did it once. I can do it again. Nose back to the grind stone.

Oh my PT found a person in Harrisburg. This PT in Harrisburg is married to an OBGYN who specializes in pelvic disorder and vaginismus :o). So I’m going to give it a shot.

et cetera