Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{August 26, 2011}  

I’ve lost my mind and organization of my day to day schedule. I know I have another counseling appointment in a few days, but I don’t know if I scheduled PT same time or not. So now I’ve got to call my PT and verify when my next session is with them.
Since the one attempt not much has really happened. Right now with somethings going on in my life, I’m not relaxed enough and probably wouldn’t be able to relax even if I wanted to. I need a vacation from my mind. Oh wait I think I remember my husband saying he noted the PT appointment somewhere (maybe phone or maybe his Ipod). I may not have to call unless I scheduled them on the same day. Lets pray that this isn’t the case.

Internally I’m going through a wide range of motions. I keep trying to hide most. Being a mother, I can’t let my son see all that is going on. I don’t want him to see the pain, the fear, or anger that sometimes pops up inside of me. I have to at those moments, shove them deep inside. Recognize those emotions for what they are and then focus on my son.
When I am with him, that is when I relax. Not completele relaxation. Its amazing how a child can make you smile.


No real sucess. No real shocker. We both fell asleep. My problem is that with a child its really impossible to do anything during the day and in the evening we are usually finishing up small projects. So by the point that we can do anything we are exhausted. Unlike some girls that can hop in bed and do a little romance or what not and ready. Thats not me.

Embarrasing to say the least, it takes me over an hour to get somewhat in the mood.I say somewhat because I’ve never really had those feelings of wanting anything. I know it stems from my past. Thats why my husband usually says “Your body doesn’t want me!”. My mind, heart, and soul do if that counts for anything. It is these moments that I want to cry. Because I love my husband and I want to please him.

Then the other problem I have which is something that runs in my family. I have the “fall asleep” at any moment. I embarrassingly and hate to say this have fall asleep on the phone (not for lack of interest in what was being talked about or who), while on the computer, and in the evening when its dark. I have even fallen asleep at a play house during a show that I was enjoying.

So I’m battling the hour, tiredenss, and my body. My counselor says I really need to give myself 5 hours inorder to have sucess. Umh.. When do I get good 5 hours of waking hours. Not happening during the day.. and I do need sleep. So I guess I need to problem solve this.

{August 13, 2011}   Physical Therapy Appointment

My most recent session with the Physical Therapy went well. We went through a bunch of different muscle strengthing exercises. Here we go again with that weak left side. I’m lopsided, I’ve decided. It doesn’t change or get better. Lol.

We then moved to internal. Oh boy!! My favorite part. When inside the physical therapist asked the pain level. I think I said 3 or 4, but now that I think about it that was me lowering the pain number which isn’t great, but thats me. I was told to think of clouds. Which ironically thinking of clouds helped. Because the tightening and pain level went down. I had the choice of going up or to the left. I avoided my left side because that is where I usually experience excruciating pain. I figured that the PT would go that direction, but hey if I get the first choice I’m going north even though I knew it wasn’t completely pain free.

After a few minutes of reminders to loosen muscles (thinking of exercises) and we go again with the clouds, I got the best news I thought possible. My pelvic floor has created space (functionable space!!!) even more than prior to the pregnancy!! :)!!!! Yes!!
So my homework assignment is to think clouds and make an attempt with my husband. Now comes the tricky situation. I’m not to dissassociate and stay present. As the PTs fingers were inside, and talking about homework, I kept tensing up. The PT kept saying “You’re tightening up as I’m talking about having sex”. (I’m not trying to tense up.. It’s my bodies defense mechanism). So now I gotta fight body memories and dissociating (my mind) to hopefully have sucess.
So we shall see. I was happy to hear about the functionable space and muscles. I’m not done Physical Therapy, but its a positive big step!! This is such great news. I’m guessing my next step is too really find a sex therapist to help me deal with my bodies natural defense mechanism due to things that happened in my past. I almost wrote the word. But not quite comfortable and to a certain degree. I know I’ll hear this discussion another session. I still feel to a certain degree, even though I know I have been told it is not my fault. I feel responsible. There I put it into words about what I feel. I feel I’m responsible for my situation. I guess I know what my next counseling session will be about.

{July 17, 2011}   Physical Therapy Session

I went for physical therapy. I have some new stretches to work on. I’m realizing that my left side is weaker than my right side. The physical therapist decided to do internal work. I feel like a big baby.The PT managed to get their one finger inside me for stretching after some time. It was amazing to notice that most of the pain and burning seemed to connect more to the left than right. Although the further inside the finger went, the harder it was to say that the pain wasn’t all over the place. The burning pain was very evident and the pain was a level 3.

This is the challenge I find. My son has been having issues with reflux, which we didn’t know until yesterday. That explains the crying while eating. So getting him to nap and be at peace without being comforted has been difficult. It has also been cleaning up spit up that smells like vomit that he projectiles across the floor. That was the signal that we needed to see the doctor. Then there is the pumping for the days I’m working. It is a battle to find a minute to myself, but I have managed. I think I did pretty good because I found 15 minutes during the beginning of naps to do the Physical Therapy. If he was crying, which unfortunately is usually the case, I let him cry inside the crib to see if he’ll go to sleep. He usually falls asleep 3-5 minutes later, but not always.
Considering all that has been going on, missing one day isn’t bad. My reflection of the exercises that when I’m on my right side and stretching my left, it just seems like I have more resistance and not as much ability to rotate like I do when I’m on my right side. I’ve also been working on my breathing. I wasn’t able to measure myself as I down own a measuring tape. Maybe I’ll pick up one up the next time I am at a store.

I went to my physical therapist today. I was nervous because of the internal. The therapist did a evaluation of posture and breathing. When you breathe from your ribs, your ribs should move out to about 90 degrees and 2 centimeters (at least). I was at a 1/2 centimeter which means that the area in the pelvic floor wasn’t going to be able to have space. I also wasn’t at 90 degrees which I didn’t quite understand, but I know that the therapist knows.

The clinician started by doing an excercise that went down the side of my stomach. It was to work on the large intenstines. It was there that my legs began to squirm because when people touch me, I do show some response. Sometimes its noticeable and other times its not. I actually didn’t think it was that noticeable but I guess being a professional the therapist knows what to look for. The individual only asked why I was moving down below.

I was given a few muscle stretches, and breathing excercises. The therapist stated that there wasn’t going to be any internal until I have the breathing mastered. The clinician also said that I might consider going for Sex Therapy. This is because when someone touches me I’m tensing up and my body memories are causing me to clench up which means that I would have problems relaxing to allow for intercourse.

So it is back to square one. I’ve got my homework cut out for me. But I know that I need to do the homework or I will not make progress. The therapist said its going to take time, but that they feel that I can use my mental skills to compensate for what my body wants to fight due to things with my past. The therapist said it could be a few years before my body really begins to feel like its got nothing to be afraid of, however, I could use my mind to overpower and with given time be able to fight my bodies natural defenses.

{June 30, 2011}   Finally made contact

I have an appointment to start up therapy again. My physical therapist asked how I was doing and I reported that things were worse than prior to the baby physically but everything else was well. She asked if I had contacted or tried another person and I reported that I had.
Unfortunately the physical therapist in Mechanicsburg, PA had appointments that only go til 4:30pm. From where I worked, there was no feasible way of getting over to the appointment without having problems.

Plus, as my husband and I had talked it out. I had success with the physical therapist I made contact with. So I have an appointment in the near future to get the ball rolling again. It means a sacrifice in commute, but if I get myself out of this rutt, I might be not as negative as a person I have been lately. I think I’m heading up the hill the other direction in this ride.

A lot has happened since the last post. Unfortunately, not soo much with the curing my vaginismus problem or getting a hold of my physical therapist. I’m going to do that this week. My husband ended up in the hospital for abdominal pains due to a blockage. We lucked out that he was only admitted for observation and that the blockage cleared itself. We almost thought he was going to have abdominal surgery. Unfortunately, it looks like that is a definate possibility in the future.

I do see that the media is bringing more aware of a condition that for soo long has been hidden. I’ve seen a total of 3. I liked certain aspects of all, and didn’t care for certian aspects. I really liked that 20/20 posted up about vulvadania. It didn’t really focus in on Vaginismus but it at least made an awareness to something most people don’t know. I commend the three women whom put themselves up infront of others.

Then MTV did a really good episode on painful sex. It addressed Vaginismus and it had 3 girls, who again, put themselves up on television so that others can learn about the condition. Bravo to you girls. More of us should be willing to say “Hey, I have a problem with sex. This doesn’t make me any less of a person.” Unfortunately, society has a way of making us feel a certain way.

TLC just recently did a story which addressed one couple. I thought it was interesting how it only highlighted Women’s Therapy Center in New York City. It almost made it seem like they were the only answer. I want to again recognize the couple whom posted their feelings and experiences out to everyone. I wished that TLC had also included some other sucess stories of girls who didn’t get professional help and those who got other professional help. That was it’s only draw back.

The other two had shown many ways. Not that I have proof, but it seems like it was an advertising ploy for one group. Why not present that there are other methods of reaching sucess. I’ve seen women whom have done the dilators by themselves without a doctor, physical therapist, or friends help. Cure themselves. Very hard to do, but it has happened.

There are girls out there that will go for botox and swear by it. I found physical therapy to be my reach to the end. I will go back to it. All’s I can say is that there is no cookie cutter method. Even going to one professional, if the person isn’t the right fit, doesn’t mean its the right method. Patience, respect for oneself, and a end plan are important to reaching sucess.

I will say that something I don’t really care for, and I know its what they do to get people to watch the show. For example, TLC. They titled their program “Strange Sex”. How many of us girls before knowing the name of our condition and afterwards thought “I’m weird.. I’m a freak.. noone would really want me.” I wish they would have titled it something different. Strange sex would be to me some physical action that is different from anyone else. I understand that putting a medical name may mean that they reduce their audience. I feel that term to be offensive.

We are not weird. Yes we have a condition that makes sex difficult and painful. Its curable. We are not permanently unable to have sex. It may take time and patience, but it is curable. Maybe its just me, but I find the term strange sex maybe not the best choice of words.

After careful thought and reflection, and a phone contact to the place. I’m going to continue my trips on certain weekends out of town to see the physical therapist that I have been seeing for some time now. The new PT only has 2 days that she works as late as 4:00 and its not in Harrisburg. Its in Mechanicsburg and really makes it hard for me to continue breastfeeding. After much thought and reflection, I am realizing that this situation isn’t necessarily in the cards. Unfortunately, because it would have been ideal. So I’m going to be setting up an appointment with the person whom I’ve been going to and begin the path to recovery. I appreciate the assistance, but it just doesn’t seem like it is going to work out.

{April 25, 2011}   Update on PT contact

I finally called the PT in Harrisburg. They are accepting new patients, but with my work schedule and breastfeeding son, I am not sure I’ll be able to make this work. I am still trying to see if its an option. The biggest thing was making the phone call. It seems like such an easy step, but in some ways its the hardest. It is me getting back on the horse and being willing to try something new. It is opening myself again to another individual about my condition. It is having someone new put their hands in area that isn’t comfortable. It is opening that trust door.

Well a lot to think about.

et cetera