Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

I would love to write, I had pain free sex. Yeah! That would be like the ultimate post. But I’ll take what I can get! He was at least able to enter me, but not without pain level. I would rate the pain at a 6. With my body memories and intimacy issues, combined with well the fact that it was painful, the thoughts of clouds just kind of went.
I did try the pillows and the other suggestions. They seemed to help to at least allow entrance. The last attempt it was the wall. While some would probably say I should of stopped, that isn’t me. Plus I wanted to give a gift to my husband. So I pushed myself. My personal goals in our future attempts is to really focus on the relaxation strategies and on those muscles. This is where I sometimes think botox might be an option for me. Especially since my bodies natural defense mechanism is to tighten up. But I am making progress again. Assuming I don’t get pregnant, which is reduced by the condoms and by well breastfeeding. I may have a chance at working on the pain levels. We shall see. I’m hoping that pushing it doesn’t cause the wall, but we shall see. This process always seems a little bit like a back and forth kind of motion.


{August 13, 2011}   Physical Therapy Appointment

My most recent session with the Physical Therapy went well. We went through a bunch of different muscle strengthing exercises. Here we go again with that weak left side. I’m lopsided, I’ve decided. It doesn’t change or get better. Lol.

We then moved to internal. Oh boy!! My favorite part. When inside the physical therapist asked the pain level. I think I said 3 or 4, but now that I think about it that was me lowering the pain number which isn’t great, but thats me. I was told to think of clouds. Which ironically thinking of clouds helped. Because the tightening and pain level went down. I had the choice of going up or to the left. I avoided my left side because that is where I usually experience excruciating pain. I figured that the PT would go that direction, but hey if I get the first choice I’m going north even though I knew it wasn’t completely pain free.

After a few minutes of reminders to loosen muscles (thinking of exercises) and we go again with the clouds, I got the best news I thought possible. My pelvic floor has created space (functionable space!!!) even more than prior to the pregnancy!! :)!!!! Yes!!
So my homework assignment is to think clouds and make an attempt with my husband. Now comes the tricky situation. I’m not to dissassociate and stay present. As the PTs fingers were inside, and talking about homework, I kept tensing up. The PT kept saying “You’re tightening up as I’m talking about having sex”. (I’m not trying to tense up.. It’s my bodies defense mechanism). So now I gotta fight body memories and dissociating (my mind) to hopefully have sucess.
So we shall see. I was happy to hear about the functionable space and muscles. I’m not done Physical Therapy, but its a positive big step!! This is such great news. I’m guessing my next step is too really find a sex therapist to help me deal with my bodies natural defense mechanism due to things that happened in my past. I almost wrote the word. But not quite comfortable and to a certain degree. I know I’ll hear this discussion another session. I still feel to a certain degree, even though I know I have been told it is not my fault. I feel responsible. There I put it into words about what I feel. I feel I’m responsible for my situation. I guess I know what my next counseling session will be about.

{July 28, 2011}   Results of the Ultrasound

Incunclusive. Without having an internal examination of an ultrasound, it was difficult for them to get an accurate picture. So I’m waiting for the doctor to return from brake to decide what if any is the next step. I will say the bleeding has stopped. Thankfully! Like I said it wasn’t lot and constant. Just spotting. That was what triggered the phone call. I get lots of pains due to my pelvic floor condition, it was the pain and bleeding that said “hmm.” Especially since I just got done having a period.
The pain level is down to a 3-4, which for me is managable with over the counter medication. So I’m not sure what the bleeding was, but I have a feeling the pain was just my pelvic floor.

The frustrating aspect with the whole appointment process was scheduling. The doctor that ordered the ultrasound, had spoken to me over the phone during after hours. He specifically gave me a number to the scheduling place and said to call them to set up an appointment. So when I called, they kind of hasseled me because I didn’t have the doctor’s order on me. How could I when most places send doctors orders electronically.

Other than that, it was okay. The lab technician asked if there was any way an internal could get done. Only because I know of how tight it is down there and the discomfort I was already in, did I say no. There is an update on what took place yesterday.

Monday I started to feel a stabbing pain on my right side while I was at work. Unfortunately with pelvic floor pain its often hard for me to say “I am in pain” because that is almost a daily state, its just leveling the pain. It was bad enough that another individual noticed me holding my side. So I just figured, run of the mill pelvic floor pain, not too horrible, but up there.
Then today, the pain started to feel somewhat crampy like, by tonight, I’m noticing spotting and the pain escalated. Since, my husband and I while painfully had some sucess, and there is a chance of a pregnancy, I’m wondering is it a miscarriage. Breastfeeding certainly diminishes pregnancy from happening. Is it possible that there was sucess, but I lost the pregnancy. Is it my pelvic floor and I should just ignore?
The pain got bad enough I called the doctor to see what I could safetly take. I’m thinking if its not Pelvic floor it has to be Miscarriage. Not that I’m an expert. I’m not. I don’t even claim to know that area of the body. But to me I figure, its nothing medically seriously wrong. Since the regular pain killers weren’t working I figured maybe that something safe for breastfeeding could be prescribed. When I called, the doctor felt that while it could be miscarriage, based on the symptoms, he’s leaning toward a cyst on the ovaries.
So I don’t know. He also increased the amount of over the counter medication I can take. So tomorrow. I’ll be hauling my butt at some point for an ultrasound. If its a miscarriage, can that actually be seen or known? I know that if there is a cyst that can be viewed. The pelvic floor won’t be seen there. So I’m prepared for the “nothing can be seen” and awaiting for some goose chase. Sorry.
I just figure its one of two things and I’m not a doctor. Its probably cocky to say it can’t be the cyst on the ovaries or worse. I just feel strongly because I feel like I have been down this road with the pain. If there had been no bleeding, I would have just toughed it out. The slight bleeding made me think miscarriage. Since the pain was esclating, I was hoping to find out what I could safetly take since breastfeeding limits my abilities to take muscle relaxants.
I will be praying that there will be no cyst on the ovaries or something else. I really don’t think. I really want a year where ultrasounds and tests are not run. Since I figured out what the pelvic floor pain is, I’ve kind of have avoided really dealing with doctors. I just ride it out with all kinds of different things. The pain and the knowledge that it could be a miscarriage and the level of pain sent me to calling the doctors.
Oh well. I guess I am in for the long haul.
It didn’t help that today was very stressful for various reasons. The only good thing is that this guy seemed to know that giving me an internal ultrasound would really set my pelvic floor muscles into action, so he’s only doing an external one. He said with my weight it shouldn’t cause any problems. So I guess that is one victory thing out of all the things going on right now.

{July 18, 2011}   Why do I do this to myself?

After a physical therapy session of fitting tightly one finger, I stupidly pushed myself with my husband to try for sex. He managed to painfully get inside of me. The pain was at an 8 or 9 and when all was said and done, I spent an hour in the tub trying to calm my muscles below. Why do I do that? Actually I should know from counseling. While I don’t understand it, I guess it goes with my whole past. Some people would run from the pain, I guess because at an early age I experienced pain, I figure that this is what life is about. So I push on.
I need to stop pushing or I could damage my ability to get to the point where my body feels its okay to relax. I could really shoot myself for being so stupid. I guess hearing my husband voice quietly “I want to be inside you!” was the incentive I needed to push myself. The worse part is, I feel bad about the fact that the burning pain caused me to be in the bathtub.
My husband says that I shouldn’t feel like a baby, but I do. A little bit of blood from the event and a lot of burning and I’m pretty much stuck in the tub. Some people when they experience what they might label a 7-8 pain would be calling the doctor or going to the hospital. Not me. Its deal with it in the bathtub and count the hours til my body decides that enough time has passed to calm down.
It isn’t like I can really call a doctor. My doctors office doesn’t know much about my condition. A gyn would just say “It’s going to take time.” There isn’t really any kind of medication or ointment I can put down there. I guess I could apply ice, but its not exactly able to be placed inside. So I just have to sit it out. Maybe this was my wake up call to take things slowly and not push myself.
I guess I know what my next counseling session will be talking about.

{July 17, 2011}   Physical Therapy Session

I went for physical therapy. I have some new stretches to work on. I’m realizing that my left side is weaker than my right side. The physical therapist decided to do internal work. I feel like a big baby.The PT managed to get their one finger inside me for stretching after some time. It was amazing to notice that most of the pain and burning seemed to connect more to the left than right. Although the further inside the finger went, the harder it was to say that the pain wasn’t all over the place. The burning pain was very evident and the pain was a level 3.

{July 10, 2011}   Pelvic Floor Muscles

What I don’t understand is why these muscles act up, even when I do nothing sexually related? At the time I was in college and nearly stuck to my bed because of pains, I had no way of knowing that I had this condition and this pain would be connected to the pelvic floor. That was because I wasn’t doing anything at the time, but I have since learned that this isn’t the case.
I would love a day where I could wake up and not think “Oh there goes my pelvic floor muscles.”
I’m thankful when the pain level is a 1-2, because I typically can make it through the day without pain killers. However when it is at 3-4, I’m usually getting out the advil. Then when it goes to a 5-6, out comes the percoset. Anything above that and it becomes a percoset and I’m down for the day.
Today the pain level is at a 5.
I really wished I understood what gets the muscles to act up when I’m not doing anything with my husband.

I went to my physical therapist today. I was nervous because of the internal. The therapist did a evaluation of posture and breathing. When you breathe from your ribs, your ribs should move out to about 90 degrees and 2 centimeters (at least). I was at a 1/2 centimeter which means that the area in the pelvic floor wasn’t going to be able to have space. I also wasn’t at 90 degrees which I didn’t quite understand, but I know that the therapist knows.

The clinician started by doing an excercise that went down the side of my stomach. It was to work on the large intenstines. It was there that my legs began to squirm because when people touch me, I do show some response. Sometimes its noticeable and other times its not. I actually didn’t think it was that noticeable but I guess being a professional the therapist knows what to look for. The individual only asked why I was moving down below.

I was given a few muscle stretches, and breathing excercises. The therapist stated that there wasn’t going to be any internal until I have the breathing mastered. The clinician also said that I might consider going for Sex Therapy. This is because when someone touches me I’m tensing up and my body memories are causing me to clench up which means that I would have problems relaxing to allow for intercourse.

So it is back to square one. I’ve got my homework cut out for me. But I know that I need to do the homework or I will not make progress. The therapist said its going to take time, but that they feel that I can use my mental skills to compensate for what my body wants to fight due to things with my past. The therapist said it could be a few years before my body really begins to feel like its got nothing to be afraid of, however, I could use my mind to overpower and with given time be able to fight my bodies natural defenses.

{November 18, 2009}   A Day Full of Muscle Spasms

I have no idea what set off the muscles today.  They are a roaring and I couldn’t sit at all.  I have been taking muscle relaxants and doing my exercises when I got the chance.  If anyone has found a thing that gets the muscles to stop spasming, let me know.  I could understand if I tried anything this morning or last night, but I honestly haven’t done anything since Sunday. Just plain too busy.

I went for another appointment with the physical therapist.  She asked how the “long term goal” is coming and it was the typical “still pain response”.   Today’s internal portion of the exam was a bit more painful at the entrance.  This was different than the previous three visits.  It was slightly frustating, but I’m assuming its due to the wearing of tampons.  I learned a bit more about the muscles in the pelvic floor.  The area that is causing all the pain is a muscle that is acting up.  She told me to pull up my belly button and then hold for a second and then relaxed.  I will give it a try. She tried to explain me the reason for this, but I totally forgot.  But I will give it a try. 

I have an appointment the next three to four weekends.  I’m hoping there might be a chance that I could say “I’m cured” by Christmas, but I know that there is more than Vaginismus that I am working on.  But I’m thankful for the progress that has been made.

et cetera