Buaslbutterfly’s Blog











{August 6, 2011}   Needing a break!

I need a mental break. I need a day or really a few days where memories of my past don’t haunt. A few days of maybe being normal. I’d like to know what it feels like to be a wife without soo many physical and emotional problems. I’d like to know what its like to go to bed and just have things happen without the feelings, fears, and problems being like a big ugly “X”.
If there was a prayer that could be said, I guess it would be a vacation from the stresses of my life. I would love to be able to lock the painful memories and the side effects that have resulted from such incidences. I would love to be able to just have a week where I don’t have that on my mind or have it controlling my ability to have a healthy physical relationship with my husband.
Wow looking at what I just wrote. I probably sound tired. I guess I am tired. This has been a long journey and things in life. The normal stresses are just adding to what has already been a painful journey. No amount of words can express the pain I’m in right now.



I hear this often from the man I love and adore. I want him in everyway possible. It’s a comment and sometimes a small joke he states at frustration of the situation. Who can blame him? I pray that he continues to be as patient and understanding as I go through the process of healing. I pray that we continue to navigate this path together. He is my best friend and family.
I can’t explain why my body reacts the way it does when its touched.
The trial homework from todays session was swapping nonsexual touch with a touch that I can handle. The hard thing is I usually don’t know that the touch is going to send me down the wrong path, til it happens. I don’t exactly control or plan on having any kind of reaction. I said I would try. I’m not sure how this will help him. For instance, if he comes up for a hug and I’m in one of those positions and I say “Why not hold my hand for a minute?” What if that sends me down the wrong path, probably a bad example, but wouldn’t that hurt him more.
I’m lost at this whole thing. I want nothing more than to have a normal relationship. Instead, I’m fighting body memories. Luckly for me, my husband while he does demonstrate some frustrations with his comment. He has been understanding and loving. I pray that we can find a person to help guide us in the department.
I’ve never had an orgasm. When we do things, I have trouble getting wet. My body reacts at simple touches. Other than language and words and my efforts to get to my goal. I understand where the comment “Your body doesn’t want me to come from.” I feel for him. I really do.



{July 18, 2011}   Why do I do this to myself?

After a physical therapy session of fitting tightly one finger, I stupidly pushed myself with my husband to try for sex. He managed to painfully get inside of me. The pain was at an 8 or 9 and when all was said and done, I spent an hour in the tub trying to calm my muscles below. Why do I do that? Actually I should know from counseling. While I don’t understand it, I guess it goes with my whole past. Some people would run from the pain, I guess because at an early age I experienced pain, I figure that this is what life is about. So I push on.
I need to stop pushing or I could damage my ability to get to the point where my body feels its okay to relax. I could really shoot myself for being so stupid. I guess hearing my husband voice quietly “I want to be inside you!” was the incentive I needed to push myself. The worse part is, I feel bad about the fact that the burning pain caused me to be in the bathtub.
My husband says that I shouldn’t feel like a baby, but I do. A little bit of blood from the event and a lot of burning and I’m pretty much stuck in the tub. Some people when they experience what they might label a 7-8 pain would be calling the doctor or going to the hospital. Not me. Its deal with it in the bathtub and count the hours til my body decides that enough time has passed to calm down.
It isn’t like I can really call a doctor. My doctors office doesn’t know much about my condition. A gyn would just say “It’s going to take time.” There isn’t really any kind of medication or ointment I can put down there. I guess I could apply ice, but its not exactly able to be placed inside. So I just have to sit it out. Maybe this was my wake up call to take things slowly and not push myself.
I guess I know what my next counseling session will be talking about.



{July 5, 2011}   Sex Therapy?

I’ve been up for the past couple hours trying to read the difference between a normal counselor and a sex therapist. My counselor I’m currently seeing has talked a little about my bedroom life (which isn’t a big novel or a big topic to say the least.) Trust me every time he enters that conversation, I’m a bit uncomfortable. Vaginismus has made my sex life, my body, um an open book for the medical community to say the least.
Unfortunately, it has placed my husband on this path as well. I thank God for the fact that he’s so supportive. When the PT said something about seeing a Sex Therapist, I thought he’d be like “um no.” His only comment was “if the pt feels that this will help, then we will look into finding a good sex therapist.”
I have to admit, I’m scared. I’m wondering if others with my condition have done sex therapy and how it helped them toward their end goal.



{April 21, 2011}   April 2011

Right now I’m in a bit of a rutt. My husband doesn’t seem to understand my hesitancy in changing physcial therapists. If only he understood that I’ve heard of many people with my condition that go to different clinics for many years until they find the right person. I found someone in Doylestown whom I found sucess with and whom I trust. Yes, this individual, gave the name of a person closer, but I am not certain that this is the right thing. I guess I just need to get over that emotional hump.

I understand my husband’s frustration. He spent 4 1/2 years with no sex in a marriage. We barely started having sucess and then I got pregnant and nothing for about 12 months and then nothing again because I have gone back to where I started. I am suppose to have a papsmear after the whole pregnancy, but because of the state of things, I haven’t actively seeked a gyn in the area I live. I know I’m on a downward spiral emotionally and that I just need to get back on the saddle so to speak. I just am frustrated.

My husband admitted to me for the first time, that prior to our initial sucess last December, he had thought that we were going to never be able to have sex. This was from all the reading and research he had done online. Then after sucess and seeing that the physical therapy was a sucess, that is why he is on me. I’m glad that I have him there because I need that push. Right now I’m not pushing myself. I’m getting the phone right now because I’m going to make this phone call.

I just needed to blog to deal with my fears and feelings. I’m hoping that I can do an interview before deciding that she is the right person for me.



{February 27, 2011}   5 months post pregnancy

If the only experience of sex I get is the few times before I concieved my son, then I guess I can be thankful. But I am hopeful that I can return to the sucess I had a little over a year ago.. The pain wasn’t completely away, but I was able to experience sex and I was able to concieve my wonderful son. I feel soo blessed. I’m back in physical therapy. In the beginning my husband was supportive but hestitant that this would lead to hope. Now after Colin, he’s pestering me about setting up appointments. So I think I definately see a change in his mind about physical therapy.

We’ve tried a couple times with no sucess. Even my physical therapist noted the tightness, so it wasn’t just me. I nearly cried during the therapy session as she was doing the internal stretching. It was painful. Not only was it physically painful but emotionally frustrated. I guess I didn’t really think about the possibility of complete inability to have someone enter me again. Here goes concerns of physical examinations with GYNS. I don’t use tampons. Had I used tampons, maybe I would have known, but I didn’t. The only tell tale sign was the inability to have sex. There was the wall again. I guess. I have to look at it this way, I did it once. I can do it again. Nose back to the grind stone.

Oh my PT found a person in Harrisburg. This PT in Harrisburg is married to an OBGYN who specializes in pelvic disorder and vaginismus :o). So I’m going to give it a shot.



{January 3, 2010}   Keep on treading

I put our progress on trying for a child on hold during my monthly visitor. We were at my parents house for the holidays and was worried about the bed. Yesterday, was the first day after a week and a half an attempt was made. It was very painful and the burning was there. I am not really worried because we gave it another try the following morning. I think I may have problems with personal lubrication . I don’t feel my body reacts the way other girls do.
As I laid in bed my hubby states ” I must be a horrible lover because your body doesn’t want me”. I asked what he meant, but I knew he was reffering to the lack of personal lubrication. This I know is connected to my past. This discussion has come up in counseling session.
Hence the homework assignment on self soothing. I am to try including it into my schedule once every two weeks, meanwhile K y Jelly is getting loads of money from me.



{November 16, 2009}   A Thank-you card to Vaginismus

It is the month to be thankful. For many years I’ve felt frustration, anger, depression and sadness of having Vaginismus. I’m not saying I’m completely over those things, but I think most of us forget really what a gift it can be.

Vaginismus often because society puts the stigmatism to sex and its importance in a relationship that it often seems and feels like the death card.  I don’t think many of us show the respect to our bodies as we should.  Having Vaginismus isn’t the death card.  I want to thank my muscles because it let gave me the opportunity to know the value of the marriage I’m in.

I have some male friends whom at times have confided me that while they enjoy the sex they are not happy with the marriage and are interested in another individual.  So obviously sex problems (while can create discourse as I have experienced) it isn’t what severs the ties between a couple.  My body also prevented me from possibly getting in the wrong relationship and having sex with a lot of guys. My Vaginismus pushed me to find a man whom wanted more out of the relationship.

I think a lot of us put the emphasis on that “it” makes us less females and “it” prevents us from being able to find a date or relationship.  As opposed to realizing that if a guy is going to leave you or not take interest in you because you have Vaginismus that they aren’t worth the time.  It creates a road block from seeing that in reality our vaginismus is like a gift.  It means our bodies care so much for us and in a sense deserve respect.

So thank you for having respect for me.  I also think the Vaginismus at the end of the day has brought my husband and I closer than if I didn’t have Vaginismus. Because if you are married, Vaginismus isn’t just a woman’s problem. It is a problem that both husband and wife have to suffer.  Vaginismus affect men differently, but they still suffer as a result.

I am not saying that there isn’t a part of me that wishes I never had to experience Vaginismus. I wished that I didn’t suffer the pain or have the problems I do.  I am just saying that sometimes you can find things to be thank-ful and you can find a positive to even the most difficult and private problems. 

What I am most thankful this year is that I have found the correct path.  For any women out there whom has spent years or just recently found out. I want you to know that there are many of us out there with the problem.  It has taken me 4 1/2 years to have intercourse with my husband.  I haven’t experienced no pain with sex, but that day will be here. I’m just thankful that I have found sucess and that I’m on the road to recovery.  Never lose hope. It is easier said than done.

 



After careful reflection, I have compared the painful events where there was partial sucess and the one sucess episode.  When I was given the homework assignment by my Physical therapist to attempt at sex for informative purpose, I know I was told that I needed to be in the mood and that I had to be relaxed.  I think having the homework assignment and feeling like it was important to get data, may have made it be more difficult to relax and be in the mood so to speak.

It is funny.  Well not funny, but the irony is I thought I wanted it.  I desired to be normal.  I guess normal isn’t the right word, but I desired the physical intimacy that a lot of married couples experiences.  I wanted to see progress, even if it meant suffering a low level pain.  I think I put so much stress and emphasis that I made for a more painful situation.

I’ve learned from that mistake. Although I say I’ve learned, I can’t control my body because sometimes the natural desire and interest can sometimes not match.  You can sometimes fool yourself into thinking that your in the mood and not realize that there are other things that impede it, but I have a better understanding that if something isn’t sucessful does not mean immediate regression. 

This was something I was reflecting because in one of the support groups I’m in this discussion came about.  I think soo many times with the natural difficulties and blockks to a natural healthy sex life, and using of tampons. Many of us jump on “there goes my pelvic muscles” or I’ve regressed as opposed to thinking about our current state of mind.  Especially with individuals with vaginismus, the natural need for foreplay and being in the mood is soo important.

You have to have sex when you desire it and not when others want you to have it.  If there is pressure from your partner and your not in the mood, it may result in a painful or unsucess.  I have learned to be more open about really where I am mentally in the process. 

I’m over the swine flu, and while I want to make another attempt with my husband, I’m not going to run to bed until I know that I’m ready and in the mood. I want it to be sucessful. That doesn’t mean I’m going to wait weeks, but I want to make sure that when I make another attempt I have the time to put into the process.

I do hope that someday that I can have what people call “quickies” or maybe that really doesn’t exist. Right now my goal is to have continued progress in the bedroom and to eventually get to the point where I can enjoy myself in the bedroom.  I hope that this isn’t an unrealistic goal or dream.



{October 4, 2009}   Another Physical Therapy Session

I mentioned the other pain and asked the question my counselor had me wanted to ask. She said knowing the rating of pain and where pain was being felt was important to the continuation of progress.  I’m not so certain about that.  My husband would like to try to go at it again, but I don’t think that would be a good idea.  I experienced excruciating pain and at one point typical paink killers did not work.  The thing that helped me get past that emotional (did I follow the correct advice of my physical therapists) was reminding myself the progress that I have made.  Also, remembering the advice of my counselor in dealing with the past.  Life isn’t always about the easy way out. 

I found that entrance of the vagina during the internal stretching with the physical therapist didn’t hurt as much. Infact, I felt nothing when the therapist put the finger inside.  However, inside was at a level 4 to 5 pain with a burning that would just never end.  For me the excruitiating external pain I had experienced from the Sunday previously had dissipated.  It wasn’t raw and feeling swollen.  I don’t think I would have been able to have an internal if it had been Monday or Tuesday.  Well hopefully the pain inside will go away and be non-existent.

The thing I have to ponder is, if the PT asks me to go for another attempt for an assessment piece before there is no signs of pain.  My husband wants to attempt for a child. Would this be making progress in the area of Vaginismus more difficult or should we just go for it at that time? I’m not ready yet.  After last weekends rough road, I can’t do another.   Not yet.

I did discover something interestng about my body. She did an exercise where she had me lay on my back with my knees bent. She had my arms up in the air and hands together. She touched the one side and asked me to push and move to the one side.  My right side was able to move the legs, arms, and waists at the same time.  My left side I could move my top and legs together but my abdomen and hips, struggled with.  She thinks that as a result of the abdomen pain from my pelvic floor being really tight and spasming, I just have kind of forgot about those muscles.    So I’m suppose to work on that.



et cetera