Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

I would love to write, I had pain free sex. Yeah! That would be like the ultimate post. But I’ll take what I can get! He was at least able to enter me, but not without pain level. I would rate the pain at a 6. With my body memories and intimacy issues, combined with well the fact that it was painful, the thoughts of clouds just kind of went.
I did try the pillows and the other suggestions. They seemed to help to at least allow entrance. The last attempt it was the wall. While some would probably say I should of stopped, that isn’t me. Plus I wanted to give a gift to my husband. So I pushed myself. My personal goals in our future attempts is to really focus on the relaxation strategies and on those muscles. This is where I sometimes think botox might be an option for me. Especially since my bodies natural defense mechanism is to tighten up. But I am making progress again. Assuming I don’t get pregnant, which is reduced by the condoms and by well breastfeeding. I may have a chance at working on the pain levels. We shall see. I’m hoping that pushing it doesn’t cause the wall, but we shall see. This process always seems a little bit like a back and forth kind of motion.


Everyone has stresses and various things they have to deal with Vaginismus. For some it can be various relationship issues, finacial issues, living situation issues, other health issues. These all impact us in various ways. I find that with making progress with Vaginismus, the times I’ve have made steps in the right direction is when I was motivated. Doing the homework routinely, and attending appointments, and relaxing.

Lately, physical therapy and time for myself and my needs have gone to the back door. Emotionally I’m just stressed. When I get that alone minute to do my homework, my other stresses in life have pushed my ability to relax right out the door. I can’t focus on the assignment at hand. I find myself too stressed about another issue that really defeats the point of doing the homework. This has been a near recent occurance.

Without all the other stresses in life, I think I would be able to put the focus I need. I keep trying to tell my husband that the physical therapy is important to me.. As much as it is to him. Its just that right now my head is too overflowing with problems. I need to downshift some of the other problems so I can put my mind back in the direction of making the necessary changes.

So my goal this week is to put some of the other stresses on the back burner so I can deal with my homework in a more relaxed manner. Wish me luck on that! I could use some prayers right now.

I hear this often from the man I love and adore. I want him in everyway possible. It’s a comment and sometimes a small joke he states at frustration of the situation. Who can blame him? I pray that he continues to be as patient and understanding as I go through the process of healing. I pray that we continue to navigate this path together. He is my best friend and family.
I can’t explain why my body reacts the way it does when its touched.
The trial homework from todays session was swapping nonsexual touch with a touch that I can handle. The hard thing is I usually don’t know that the touch is going to send me down the wrong path, til it happens. I don’t exactly control or plan on having any kind of reaction. I said I would try. I’m not sure how this will help him. For instance, if he comes up for a hug and I’m in one of those positions and I say “Why not hold my hand for a minute?” What if that sends me down the wrong path, probably a bad example, but wouldn’t that hurt him more.
I’m lost at this whole thing. I want nothing more than to have a normal relationship. Instead, I’m fighting body memories. Luckly for me, my husband while he does demonstrate some frustrations with his comment. He has been understanding and loving. I pray that we can find a person to help guide us in the department.
I’ve never had an orgasm. When we do things, I have trouble getting wet. My body reacts at simple touches. Other than language and words and my efforts to get to my goal. I understand where the comment “Your body doesn’t want me to come from.” I feel for him. I really do.

{July 18, 2011}   Why do I do this to myself?

After a physical therapy session of fitting tightly one finger, I stupidly pushed myself with my husband to try for sex. He managed to painfully get inside of me. The pain was at an 8 or 9 and when all was said and done, I spent an hour in the tub trying to calm my muscles below. Why do I do that? Actually I should know from counseling. While I don’t understand it, I guess it goes with my whole past. Some people would run from the pain, I guess because at an early age I experienced pain, I figure that this is what life is about. So I push on.
I need to stop pushing or I could damage my ability to get to the point where my body feels its okay to relax. I could really shoot myself for being so stupid. I guess hearing my husband voice quietly “I want to be inside you!” was the incentive I needed to push myself. The worse part is, I feel bad about the fact that the burning pain caused me to be in the bathtub.
My husband says that I shouldn’t feel like a baby, but I do. A little bit of blood from the event and a lot of burning and I’m pretty much stuck in the tub. Some people when they experience what they might label a 7-8 pain would be calling the doctor or going to the hospital. Not me. Its deal with it in the bathtub and count the hours til my body decides that enough time has passed to calm down.
It isn’t like I can really call a doctor. My doctors office doesn’t know much about my condition. A gyn would just say “It’s going to take time.” There isn’t really any kind of medication or ointment I can put down there. I guess I could apply ice, but its not exactly able to be placed inside. So I just have to sit it out. Maybe this was my wake up call to take things slowly and not push myself.
I guess I know what my next counseling session will be talking about.

This is the challenge I find. My son has been having issues with reflux, which we didn’t know until yesterday. That explains the crying while eating. So getting him to nap and be at peace without being comforted has been difficult. It has also been cleaning up spit up that smells like vomit that he projectiles across the floor. That was the signal that we needed to see the doctor. Then there is the pumping for the days I’m working. It is a battle to find a minute to myself, but I have managed. I think I did pretty good because I found 15 minutes during the beginning of naps to do the Physical Therapy. If he was crying, which unfortunately is usually the case, I let him cry inside the crib to see if he’ll go to sleep. He usually falls asleep 3-5 minutes later, but not always.
Considering all that has been going on, missing one day isn’t bad. My reflection of the exercises that when I’m on my right side and stretching my left, it just seems like I have more resistance and not as much ability to rotate like I do when I’m on my right side. I’ve also been working on my breathing. I wasn’t able to measure myself as I down own a measuring tape. Maybe I’ll pick up one up the next time I am at a store.

{July 15, 2011}   My past and Touch

In order for me to get past the vaginismus, I have to desentise or get myself comfortable with touching myself and others touching me. I’m not saying having others touch me in any area. But I need to be able to be comfortable with an arm around me or a back rub. To be honest, I freak out,when someone touches me. My freaking out isn’t usually verbal or really visual. Its more of an internal stress to the body. I usually tense up and breathe shallow, scared that the other person will be able to tell that my body is acting irrational.
The homework assignment of self-soothing is back on the plate. I’m not as comfortable with this assignment, but I guess I understand the concept. How can I be okay with someone else touching me if I can’t even trust myself and be comfortable with that. I’ve been told not to push myself.
That isn’t me. I’ve never been one to baby things. If I have a pain in an area, I sit there and mess with it to try to rid the pain or do something to fix the problem.
But after careful consideration, I realize that this probably has a lot to do with my past. Life began with a painful circumstance. My need to push past pain and continue on is probably because I feel that this is what life is painful. My past has probably made me just accept pain as something that is to be tolerated and treat it like its to be ignored.
So my goal is to go slow. Maybe I’ll have a better experience with learning how to relax and be able to let others touch me in a non-sexual manner without having body memories attacks that send me into a physical meltdown.

{December 27, 2009}   Christmas wish

I got a lot to be thankful for this year. I am not cured of Vaginismus, but I am at a point that is tolerable. I hope that my next goal is achievable. My goal is for no pain during sex and no pelvic floor pain from spasms.

I still can’t believe the progress I’ve made. I scheduled a GYN appointment. I got the best Christmas gift early!

{November 22, 2009}   Pelvic Floor Muscles and Vaginismus

After a long week of paperwork and work stress, I realize why I’ve been nauseated, tired, and probably having constant muscle spasms. Like someone commented on here previously its the stress. I believe I remember the PT mentioning this before, but sometimes a little reminder and a little reality check doesn’t hurt. We have made additional attempts. The pain on average is a 1 or 2. Our past attempt was at a 1.
I’m not sure if I should be worried, but I had a little blood (spotting) after doing it with my husband. The other thing is there is external pain. I thought that I had put enough lubricant on, but I guess I may not have. I don’t think this will change my progress. I think I need to be careful not to let myself get to anxious. This is easier said than done.
It doesn’t help that I’m in a hospital as I wait my sister’s new babies arrival. The chairs are not soft and I have been here for hours.
Being the hour that it is.. the sentences and spelling may or may not be coherent.

Every week I try to find something small to say hey, I’m making progress. I’m not sure if I will always have the pelvic floor contracting when I’m stressed or if the continued physical therapy and homework will give me enough that eventually I won’t have to deal with the physical pain from stress.

I have pondered whether or not Botox would assist with this or not.

{November 15, 2009}   Sucess with Missionary

Yesterday my dear husband and I made another attempt. We are hoping to get pregnant.  From the books I’ve read, the missionary position is the method that increases odds of conception.  Plus, I just wanted to be able to say that a traditional position and a position that is suppose to allow for more intimacy wasn’t creating the wall.  I could understand if I was trying some of those positions that you hear from word of mouth that requires flexibility and practice.

It took us 3 hours, but we did it.  It took a lot of breathing and I found that if he gave me control with guiding that there was more sucess.  As I breathed and got more comfortable, I told him to slowly lift up and slowly lower and eventually when I felt like he was in the whole way with a level of 1-2 discomfort, I was able to release control.  I had to stop a few times with the body memories, but it felt great to get past the wall that has been there.

Now with any hopes we can start a family.  I’m continuing the physical therapy.  My Pelvic floor muscles seem to be in a constant state of contracting.  So my next goal is to get to the point where I’m not dealing with the pain from the contracting muscles or tight pelvic floor.

I went for another appointment with the physical therapist.  She asked how the “long term goal” is coming and it was the typical “still pain response”.   Today’s internal portion of the exam was a bit more painful at the entrance.  This was different than the previous three visits.  It was slightly frustating, but I’m assuming its due to the wearing of tampons.  I learned a bit more about the muscles in the pelvic floor.  The area that is causing all the pain is a muscle that is acting up.  She told me to pull up my belly button and then hold for a second and then relaxed.  I will give it a try. She tried to explain me the reason for this, but I totally forgot.  But I will give it a try. 

I have an appointment the next three to four weekends.  I’m hoping there might be a chance that I could say “I’m cured” by Christmas, but I know that there is more than Vaginismus that I am working on.  But I’m thankful for the progress that has been made.

et cetera