Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{August 8, 2011}   That time of the month

My husband and I took our little boy swimming. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize it was that time of the month. So sorry for the tmi, but a little bit of blood in the swimsuit. Had I known I was going to get my monthly, it would have been watching my son and my husband swimming in the water. I can’t use tampons, so it would have allowed me time to rest on the chair. My husband said it was fortunate that it didn’t start until later because it allowed me time in the water.
I still feel bad, but it wasn’t like I stepped in the water with my period and just didn’t do anything. SO now no more swimming for me at least. It would have meant sitting on the side lines and looking what I feel to be a fool.


Monday I started to feel a stabbing pain on my right side while I was at work. Unfortunately with pelvic floor pain its often hard for me to say “I am in pain” because that is almost a daily state, its just leveling the pain. It was bad enough that another individual noticed me holding my side. So I just figured, run of the mill pelvic floor pain, not too horrible, but up there.
Then today, the pain started to feel somewhat crampy like, by tonight, I’m noticing spotting and the pain escalated. Since, my husband and I while painfully had some sucess, and there is a chance of a pregnancy, I’m wondering is it a miscarriage. Breastfeeding certainly diminishes pregnancy from happening. Is it possible that there was sucess, but I lost the pregnancy. Is it my pelvic floor and I should just ignore?
The pain got bad enough I called the doctor to see what I could safetly take. I’m thinking if its not Pelvic floor it has to be Miscarriage. Not that I’m an expert. I’m not. I don’t even claim to know that area of the body. But to me I figure, its nothing medically seriously wrong. Since the regular pain killers weren’t working I figured maybe that something safe for breastfeeding could be prescribed. When I called, the doctor felt that while it could be miscarriage, based on the symptoms, he’s leaning toward a cyst on the ovaries.
So I don’t know. He also increased the amount of over the counter medication I can take. So tomorrow. I’ll be hauling my butt at some point for an ultrasound. If its a miscarriage, can that actually be seen or known? I know that if there is a cyst that can be viewed. The pelvic floor won’t be seen there. So I’m prepared for the “nothing can be seen” and awaiting for some goose chase. Sorry.
I just figure its one of two things and I’m not a doctor. Its probably cocky to say it can’t be the cyst on the ovaries or worse. I just feel strongly because I feel like I have been down this road with the pain. If there had been no bleeding, I would have just toughed it out. The slight bleeding made me think miscarriage. Since the pain was esclating, I was hoping to find out what I could safetly take since breastfeeding limits my abilities to take muscle relaxants.
I will be praying that there will be no cyst on the ovaries or something else. I really don’t think. I really want a year where ultrasounds and tests are not run. Since I figured out what the pelvic floor pain is, I’ve kind of have avoided really dealing with doctors. I just ride it out with all kinds of different things. The pain and the knowledge that it could be a miscarriage and the level of pain sent me to calling the doctors.
Oh well. I guess I am in for the long haul.
It didn’t help that today was very stressful for various reasons. The only good thing is that this guy seemed to know that giving me an internal ultrasound would really set my pelvic floor muscles into action, so he’s only doing an external one. He said with my weight it shouldn’t cause any problems. So I guess that is one victory thing out of all the things going on right now.

I’ve always found that when I’m nervous I laugh. I hate being serious. I guess its my little way of getting around things that are stressing me out. After the wedding, I would often make a joke about the situation with my husband to make light of our situation. At the time, my husband thought it wasn’t exactly funny. Not that I think the condition is funny. I just needed a way to relieve the tension and embarrasement and emotions that were going on inside me.
4 1/2 years later, he is now making jokes and sometimes at my expense. It doesn’t bother me. To me, you either laugh and work through, or cry and go into despair. I’ve had my down times and my up times. I’ve been on the downward path and more recently an even further downward spiral than I have been in years previously.
I knew that regression was a possibility. But several factors have made this downward spiral a harder climb. The impact on vaginismus on my ability to get into the pool at the time of the month has become a bit of a hard swallow. I worked so hard to be able to wear a tampon and have since then lost that ability.
So my husbands humor today reminded me something I have gone away from. Which is finding a way to take something that is bothering me and put a happy spin to it. Humor is soo important to me because it helps keep me at a distance from despair and anger.
I’m just lucky to have a husband who knows when I need a laugh and something to destress.

{January 3, 2010}   Keep on treading

I put our progress on trying for a child on hold during my monthly visitor. We were at my parents house for the holidays and was worried about the bed. Yesterday, was the first day after a week and a half an attempt was made. It was very painful and the burning was there. I am not really worried because we gave it another try the following morning. I think I may have problems with personal lubrication . I don’t feel my body reacts the way other girls do.
As I laid in bed my hubby states ” I must be a horrible lover because your body doesn’t want me”. I asked what he meant, but I knew he was reffering to the lack of personal lubrication. This I know is connected to my past. This discussion has come up in counseling session.
Hence the homework assignment on self soothing. I am to try including it into my schedule once every two weeks, meanwhile K y Jelly is getting loads of money from me.

{October 19, 2009}   Tampon Frustrations

So I made the choice to go without pads for this menstrual cycle.  Something I would never have thought doing in the months or even years past.  I felt slightly frustrated on Sunday when I had a baby shower, that when I changed my pad. I discovered that the insertion was painful. I ended going to scavengar hunt for  a bag of pads because I was in so much discomfort. Upon trying to remove, it felt like it was stuck.  I pulled it out with a level 3 pain. I broke down crying in a restroom of a place I was hosting a baby shower. 

I later inserted another tampon with more sucess. I’m still getting discomfort with tampons.  I am not sure what to think.  I know that I’m further than before.  I’m pondering if I should take a break with the tampons due to the pain to let the area heal and rest or if continuing down the path I’m on is the right choice.  My husband says that he read on the whole dilator manual (when I was using them) that you shouldn’t persist if something hurts.  Then there is a part of me that says I should push myself. 

I guess I will need to ask the PT her thoughts this weekend.

{September 23, 2009}   Vaginismus and The Tampon Struggle

I’m 27 years old and I finally can say I wore a tampon (with very minimal discomfort and able to walk around outside water).  I’m so happy ::victory dance:: Okay. Anyone reading this whom doesn’t have Vaginimus is like “um Okay.. you’re weird”. Maybe I am weird, but I got a tampon inside me with a 1 or 2 pain level. I wore it into work and outside water.  I did this twice. Yesterday I only had it in for 1 hour and 1/2.  Then today, I had it in for 3  1/2 hours. 

I never pictured getting to where I am today.  It isn’t that I have never been introduced to tampons. My mom, a nurse, introduced them to me when I was younger. Not to mention their in magazines, bathroom stalls, and are commonly known about.  My mom couldn’t understand why I had such trouble with tampons.  Half the time I couldn’t get them in and if I managed to force one inside I collapsed due to the pain and fainted half the time.

I began to lose interest in swimming activities and pretend to be too cool for getting in the water during my time of the month because it meant having to worry about tampons.  After repeated failures and frustrations with tampons, I eventually gave up on them.  Believe it or not, some women live without insertion of tampons.  While I wore them twice, I don’t plan on wearing them on any kind of  regular basis. I perfer my pads.

But it feels like I may have won the war on tampons.  It has been something that has assisted in me feeling like I wasn’t quite a woman.  The next step will be sex, and I’m not sure that it will be a success. I’m going to do what the women on the Vaginismus Support Group told me to do.  I’m going to try not to be hard on myself and build such expectation.

Another note on the whole possible attempt at sex.  After telling my husband about my experience with a tampon. He made a surprise stop at the wine and spirits shop and bought some alchol. He stated to help us get in the mood (or relax me).  He of course made a joke about my drunk episode on my honeymoon because I was trying to get myself tipsey. At that time I had no name for my problem and figured that I just needed something to relax me and that the problem would be solved.  Guess again. But that is another story for another day.

So I had to share .. I wore a tampon. Now it was slim and regular size, so it wasn’t that big, but still I got one in and I walked around and taught with it in. So Wooohhooo!!

{August 22, 2009}   A Sign of Improvement?

I’ve felt painfully numb on my left side of the vagina (labia or not sure the name or part of the vagina). I think I need to refresh myself on the various parts so that way I can explain myself better.  On Thursday, I had another physical therapy session.  On Thursday I started my monthly event.  I think I’ve come to realize that I have experienced that external labia pain previously prior to the monthly visitor. I just didn’t put two and two together. So I figured saying anything about that kind of pain was pointless.  Why say anything about pain that I thought was connected to a prior session, when most likely it was connected to the monthly visitor.  I did inform the physical therapist whom said she had other things she could do.

The session started off differently. I have an assignment now to work on posture and alignment of my body to put the less tension and pressure on the pelvic floor.  I’m suppose to work on how I move my body.  I find that when the PT is right there it easier to know if I’m doing it right. It’s harder to monitor myself.  She then had me do my pelvic clocks, which I missed two nights due to pain. She reminded me that if I don’t put the effort in, I won’t make progress. Yes I understand this. And I really am angry at myself. It was just the pain and discomfort I was in, moving anything down there felt panful.  She did the muscle stretches and massage prior to doing the internal.

The internal exam was better and worse at the same time.  The therapist put a towel under me.  On the right side, I experienced a major burning sensation and pain that made me want to jump from the table.  When she altered position to the left side, I found the opposite happened.  I found that I felt nothing. No pain, nothing.  Like I was numb and couldn’t even tell her hand was inside.  This may be pathetic, but I almost cried on the table because I never have experienced feeling no pain.  This was a sign that I have needed.  I’m a little scared that I didn’t feel anything. Not that I want to feel pain, but I figured I should feel something, right???  Not saying a positive or negative, but just that something is there.  I don’t want to think that is a sign of something wrong.  I hope that this not feeling pain and “numbness-like” sensation is what I’m thinking a sign that I am getting better.

I have heard that it does take time to transition from “no pain” to feeling pleasure.  The “no pain” is only a small portion of the vaginal area. The only thing that kept going through my head “Is this possible?” “Is this what other women experience when they have a GYN visit, ‘no pain’.  Not feeling anything I could handle.  I think my nerves are connected to a disbelief.  I hope the rest of my vagina follows suit.  I’m still not on dilators.  I think the therapist only used one finger during the exercises.

It has been 2 days since the appointment.  I felt some vaginal discomfort and spasms for the evening of the appointment and the following day. Now I’m left with the monthly visitor cramps, which are not fun.  I’m feeling fine and better than the week before.

et cetera