Buaslbutterfly’s Blog











{July 28, 2011}   Results of the Ultrasound

Incunclusive. Without having an internal examination of an ultrasound, it was difficult for them to get an accurate picture. So I’m waiting for the doctor to return from brake to decide what if any is the next step. I will say the bleeding has stopped. Thankfully! Like I said it wasn’t lot and constant. Just spotting. That was what triggered the phone call. I get lots of pains due to my pelvic floor condition, it was the pain and bleeding that said “hmm.” Especially since I just got done having a period.
The pain level is down to a 3-4, which for me is managable with over the counter medication. So I’m not sure what the bleeding was, but I have a feeling the pain was just my pelvic floor.

The frustrating aspect with the whole appointment process was scheduling. The doctor that ordered the ultrasound, had spoken to me over the phone during after hours. He specifically gave me a number to the scheduling place and said to call them to set up an appointment. So when I called, they kind of hasseled me because I didn’t have the doctor’s order on me. How could I when most places send doctors orders electronically.

Other than that, it was okay. The lab technician asked if there was any way an internal could get done. Only because I know of how tight it is down there and the discomfort I was already in, did I say no. There is an update on what took place yesterday.

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Monday I started to feel a stabbing pain on my right side while I was at work. Unfortunately with pelvic floor pain its often hard for me to say “I am in pain” because that is almost a daily state, its just leveling the pain. It was bad enough that another individual noticed me holding my side. So I just figured, run of the mill pelvic floor pain, not too horrible, but up there.
Then today, the pain started to feel somewhat crampy like, by tonight, I’m noticing spotting and the pain escalated. Since, my husband and I while painfully had some sucess, and there is a chance of a pregnancy, I’m wondering is it a miscarriage. Breastfeeding certainly diminishes pregnancy from happening. Is it possible that there was sucess, but I lost the pregnancy. Is it my pelvic floor and I should just ignore?
The pain got bad enough I called the doctor to see what I could safetly take. I’m thinking if its not Pelvic floor it has to be Miscarriage. Not that I’m an expert. I’m not. I don’t even claim to know that area of the body. But to me I figure, its nothing medically seriously wrong. Since the regular pain killers weren’t working I figured maybe that something safe for breastfeeding could be prescribed. When I called, the doctor felt that while it could be miscarriage, based on the symptoms, he’s leaning toward a cyst on the ovaries.
So I don’t know. He also increased the amount of over the counter medication I can take. So tomorrow. I’ll be hauling my butt at some point for an ultrasound. If its a miscarriage, can that actually be seen or known? I know that if there is a cyst that can be viewed. The pelvic floor won’t be seen there. So I’m prepared for the “nothing can be seen” and awaiting for some goose chase. Sorry.
I just figure its one of two things and I’m not a doctor. Its probably cocky to say it can’t be the cyst on the ovaries or worse. I just feel strongly because I feel like I have been down this road with the pain. If there had been no bleeding, I would have just toughed it out. The slight bleeding made me think miscarriage. Since the pain was esclating, I was hoping to find out what I could safetly take since breastfeeding limits my abilities to take muscle relaxants.
I will be praying that there will be no cyst on the ovaries or something else. I really don’t think. I really want a year where ultrasounds and tests are not run. Since I figured out what the pelvic floor pain is, I’ve kind of have avoided really dealing with doctors. I just ride it out with all kinds of different things. The pain and the knowledge that it could be a miscarriage and the level of pain sent me to calling the doctors.
Oh well. I guess I am in for the long haul.
It didn’t help that today was very stressful for various reasons. The only good thing is that this guy seemed to know that giving me an internal ultrasound would really set my pelvic floor muscles into action, so he’s only doing an external one. He said with my weight it shouldn’t cause any problems. So I guess that is one victory thing out of all the things going on right now.



{March 8, 2011}   Yeast and Vaginismus

I got a yeast infection unfortunately. Vaginal yeast infections are no walk in the park for anyone, but for most its a trip to the pharmacy, grocery store, or Walmart for the Monistat treatments. Right when I found out I was pregnant, I probably would have said “In the past this was impossible, but after doing physical therapy I can do it without problems.” I am back to that wall and at an impass. So I had to call my family doctor, whom still doesn’t really understand my condition. When I spoke to one of the nurses, she’s seemed uncertain why I was needing a prescription created. I said over the phone my condition. I am getting better at this, but I swear it felt harder.
I lucked out. They called an oral prescription in. I hope this works!



{January 24, 2010}   A Trip to the ER

On Friday, I discovered I was getting stabbing pains in my stomach. Part me thought (possible muscle spasms, but the other part thought miscarriage). After prompting from my husband I called the doctors office to see if I could get in to see the doctor. They were closed, but I could see if I could get into see the Doctors on Saturday. The only problem was the pain was getting worse as the day went, and I had a physical therapy appointment 2 hours away scheduled. If I canceled the appointment, I would owe money. Especially since, I had to cancel twice due to the swine flu with no charge.

I asked the nurse, if the pain is something I should wait with a pregnancy. She asked me to describe it and stated that a trip to the ER to just check, might not be a bad idea. So when I met my husband later that night we headed to the hospital. For the first time ever, the doctor was the first person I saw when I got into a room. Usually this isn’t the case, prior to knowing about pelvic floor spasms, I had made trips thinking I had a whole bunch of other things. Only to realize now that I digging up the wrong pile of tests.

The doctor said she wanted to do a pelvic exam and possibly an ultrasound. I explained to the one nurse after getting changed into a gown, that I had vaginismus. She had me tell one of the guy nurses (which I’m not sure why). She stated I should inform him, but he was never involved with any of the processes. Right in front of me, they had a discussion about the fact that they had heard the term, maybe seen one other patient, but didn’t understand it. This was comforting, not really.

The ER doctor, was a lady, and she said to me that if “I only relax things will be a lot easier”. Um. with Vaginismus that is really hard to control. This pap smear was extremely painful. I’m not sure if it was the vaginismus or related to the pain, but I screamed. The doctor looked at me like I was some kind of baby. Oh well. I tried hard to hold it in, but it hurt. The good news that I heard from all of that was that my cervix was closed. If it was open then it might be sign of a miscarriage.

I went for an ultrasound. I am approximately 4 weeks pregnant based off my last period. They were not able to see signs of the pregnancy due to the cell count. So I am to go see my GYN on Monday or Tuesday to get another ultrasound. There were three possibilities : a) constitpation b) appendicitis (which they weren’t really thinking this direction) c) a tubal pregnancy. I really hope this isn’t a tubal pregnancy, because there goes all my hopes of seeing this pregnancy to sucess.

Right now I’m trying to have positive thoughts. The pain comes and goes, but I just have to push on through. I’m thinking it is more pelvic floor muscles or constitpation. I’m hoping that is all. Please pray for my husband and I that it is not a tubal pregnancy.



{January 10, 2010}   Sucessful GYN

I went to see the GYN. I told the person I had Vaginismus. The person I saw was wonderful. She is a CRNP ( Certfied Registered Nurse Practicioner). She talked me thru the process and asked me how I was doing. She used the smallest speculum they had. I had a sucessful Pap Smear. The person gave us a name of a specialist in Vaginismus in Philadelphia. She also gave us a prescription for Estrogen Cream. I didn’t even know there were Specialists who specialized in this field in Pennsylvania. So the appointment was a sucessful! I will have results in 3 to 5 weeks!



I’m calling this the “Test” Pap Smear because since I’ve had Vaginismus I’ve kind of never have had a sucessful pap smear. Seeing how I’m wearing tampons and having intercourse (while not completely pain free and not with out some control) I’m still seeing sucess. I think there is a chance I could have sucess. So my appointment is not until after the New Years, but at least I got one.

I don’t know if the GYN is knowledgable about Vaginismus or the needs of someone with Vaginismus. When I called the place, they basically said there are several doctors. I said is there any that know about Vaginismus. I figured saying something and not waiting until I was at the appointment and sitting awkwardly on the table would be better.

The lady on the phone was like Vaga-what. That was promising and she was like can you explain more. Hmm.. I always love this question. How do you give an answer without telling the whole world whom doesn’t need to know, but will get you to the end point. I’m like pelvic floor contractions (although if they know anything about vaginismus or pelvic floor muscles, I’m sure they know what I have. She’s like well that is the part of the body they are trained in.

I think it would be nice if Gynecologists office would have staff that set up appointments be nurses that have focuses in that area. That way they could maybe do a few hours on telephones and then trade it up with seeing patients in office. Or maybe that is how it works someplaces. So I got to hope that I have someone whom knows about Vaginismus and will work with me the whole way to pregnancy.

I will say finding the right person or someone trained is difficult in an area where people don’t know problems like this exists.



{November 30, 2009}   Vaginismus and Trying to Concieve

I had a physical therapy appointment this past weekend. I asked if I should have concerns about problems with pregnancy and my pelvic floor muscles. She told me that I should be looking to find a doctor whom would know about my condition, and someone whom would be willing to do a c-section. I wasn’t thinking of going the c-section route, but she told me what could happen if a c-section did not occur. I will be happy to have kids of my own, but I kind of had hoped that a c-section would be more of an emergency thing as opposed, to going about the whole process without thinking natural birth.
So now I have to share my story in person with another person.

One might think. She can write this stuff online, she is pretty open. I think its easier because you don’t see your audience and I chose what details to share. Whereas when your infront of another human being. They are right there and as you share your wondering what they are thinking. In reality I shouldn’t care what they think about my husband or I. So the phone and I will be using my free Monday to connect with someone for consult.

I have also learned about the importance of taking Folic Acid and prenatal vitamins. I have benefited from a family member whom needed a fertitly specialists support due to fibroids. So I have to up my sexual life to every other day. My husband and I still don’t have sex on any kind of regular basis. The past experience was okay until my husband moved my leg a certain way, which changed the direction he was pushing and caused excruiating pain. I felt bad screaming out loud, but the pain was sooo bad. I just asked that he talk to me when he wants to do things.

I wish I could say I could just hop into bed and everything was moving exactly like they show in the movies. It takes me a long time to be ready and then it it takes a long time just to relax. So for me the whole thing is a process. That is frustrating, but its nice to think that I’m at the point I am now. So my next path in this journey of healing is adding on trying to have a baby.



{November 6, 2009}   Searching for a GYN

    Since the flu has left me to the couch with access to a phone, computer, and television. I’ve had time to search the area for GYN’s.  I’ve made phone calls because I  want to find someone whom knows something about vaginismus and my problems.  I have been unsucessful. I guess it shouldn’t suprise me. I have to travel to another area to get physical therapy services.  It really is sad that more GYNs are not specialized or knowledgable about these kinds of problem.

I’m not doing what I did in college.  I’ve learned more about the problem. I’ve learned to develop more respect for myself and knowing my needs.  I’ve learned I’m not a freak, but just someone whom has special needs. I’ve learned that my body has a self defense system, but if respected will allow for things.  I’ve learned that I am strong.  So I’m not going to a doctor to treat me less than I deserve to be treated. So for that reason, I’ve spent a lot of time searching for the right person.

If your brand new to vaginismus, be respectful to yourself. Don’t allow a professional to treat you like your not worth their time. That your a baby or anything.   A professional wouldn’t behave that.  A truely skilled and wonderful GYN will support you in your adventure to sucess and will be willing to sit and talk with you first.   A good site to check out is vaginismusawareness network.

 



I have my physical therapist to thank. I had a physical therapy appointment and I can say that I had a few moments of 1 discomfort, but for the most part it was a 0.   I felt the pulling and stretching with her fingers inside, but no pain.  I was really proud of myself because at times I’ve tightened up and have had problems due to body memories. I was even amazed because when she went to do the insertion I was not completely relaxed, but there was still no pain with entrance.  I’m pondering if I should try to schedule a GYN visit. 

I have never had a sucessful GYN visit.  The fact that she can do internal stretches and work, and experiencing such minimal pain, maybe it is worth a check.  I was thinking of getting out my dilators.  I haven’t used them since I started physical therapy.  This was upon recommendation of the physical therapist.  She hasn’t said about checking, but I’m curious what number I could get in there. I have a total of 7 dilators from memories.  I would be curious as to what I would find. 

I have my physical therapist to owe.  I understand that there wouldn’t be absolutely no pain for intercouse. I knew that when we made the attempt. I also know that I still am experiencing pelvic muscle clamping and pain as a result of the tightening.  But I know that most likely my next biggest loop is the counseling I’m doing.  I am not stopping physical therapy, but I know that my past is what I need to deal with.  I need to face the body memories head on. 

I had divereted some of my attention to the physcial therapy because two reasons. I wanted to be able to feel like I could have a normal marriage or somewhat normal of a marriage.  But I think it was also easier than dealing with what has happened in my past. I find it hard to talk and I need to do that.  I need to start focusing my work on that, because if I don’t I might not make any more progress with my vaginismus.



{October 2, 2009}   Pain levels and counseling

The external pain that has been a real annoyance is at a 1. My pelvic floor muscles have been working overtime, but there has been improvement there to.  I went to see my counselor, whom questioned the jump from nothing to what happened on Sunday.   I’ve pondered that one too, but I trust the PT.  I know that I experienced pain, but maybe being able to give informational feedback will help. 

 It goes against everything I’ve read though.  If you experience pain, stop because you don’t want your body to memorize that, but she hasn’t used the dilators.  Her process is very different.  I tried the dilators and kept having back and forth progress between the first and second dilator.  I was able to wear a tampon for 3 1/2 hours during my last period.  That has to account for something.

So I have got to trust my gut.  I was also thinking and pondering a center up in New York.  I made a post on a group that I’m sure is connected to this center.  I’ve sort of have gotten a feeling it’s like an advertisement to this center, but oh well. Places do need to get their name out there, although I think this place is well known by many with Vaginismus.

I’ve been bouncing back and forth about calling. I’ve called in the past and was told that due to my past I couldn’t be a candidate for the 2 week program. That would be all I would be able to afford or possibly afford.  Welll when I made a couple of posts about a month back on my dealing with my inability to have kids or my fears of never having kids. I got an e-mail to call them.  I told them I had and said what they told me. The person basically said, call and we can try to rethink this.

So now my husband and I are in a debate.  I would like to call, but he thinks that its not the right idea. He wants to wait the PT out. Which I can do.  I posted recently on the website at some strange hour, a question about or a recommendation on dealing with the pain. Ironically I got deleted and blocked from the group. I know because my husband basically told me the groups still up. Hey it helped me with   a decision about my therapy. I’m sticking with the PT.   If asking about pain and recommendations on dealing with it after post sex is inappropriate on a vaginismus group. I have no clue where else I can ask. 

I told my counselor about that. He said forget the group, which is done and forget ever calling that person. Done.  I don’t need a rush job getting done. Besides I heard its expensive.  Not in the budget.



et cetera