Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

A lot has happened since the last post. Unfortunately, not soo much with the curing my vaginismus problem or getting a hold of my physical therapist. I’m going to do that this week. My husband ended up in the hospital for abdominal pains due to a blockage. We lucked out that he was only admitted for observation and that the blockage cleared itself. We almost thought he was going to have abdominal surgery. Unfortunately, it looks like that is a definate possibility in the future.

I do see that the media is bringing more aware of a condition that for soo long has been hidden. I’ve seen a total of 3. I liked certain aspects of all, and didn’t care for certian aspects. I really liked that 20/20 posted up about vulvadania. It didn’t really focus in on Vaginismus but it at least made an awareness to something most people don’t know. I commend the three women whom put themselves up infront of others.

Then MTV did a really good episode on painful sex. It addressed Vaginismus and it had 3 girls, who again, put themselves up on television so that others can learn about the condition. Bravo to you girls. More of us should be willing to say “Hey, I have a problem with sex. This doesn’t make me any less of a person.” Unfortunately, society has a way of making us feel a certain way.

TLC just recently did a story which addressed one couple. I thought it was interesting how it only highlighted Women’s Therapy Center in New York City. It almost made it seem like they were the only answer. I want to again recognize the couple whom posted their feelings and experiences out to everyone. I wished that TLC had also included some other sucess stories of girls who didn’t get professional help and those who got other professional help. That was it’s only draw back.

The other two had shown many ways. Not that I have proof, but it seems like it was an advertising ploy for one group. Why not present that there are other methods of reaching sucess. I’ve seen women whom have done the dilators by themselves without a doctor, physical therapist, or friends help. Cure themselves. Very hard to do, but it has happened.

There are girls out there that will go for botox and swear by it. I found physical therapy to be my reach to the end. I will go back to it. All’s I can say is that there is no cookie cutter method. Even going to one professional, if the person isn’t the right fit, doesn’t mean its the right method. Patience, respect for oneself, and a end plan are important to reaching sucess.

I will say that something I don’t really care for, and I know its what they do to get people to watch the show. For example, TLC. They titled their program “Strange Sex”. How many of us girls before knowing the name of our condition and afterwards thought “I’m weird.. I’m a freak.. noone would really want me.” I wish they would have titled it something different. Strange sex would be to me some physical action that is different from anyone else. I understand that putting a medical name may mean that they reduce their audience. I feel that term to be offensive.

We are not weird. Yes we have a condition that makes sex difficult and painful. Its curable. We are not permanently unable to have sex. It may take time and patience, but it is curable. Maybe its just me, but I find the term strange sex maybe not the best choice of words.


{November 16, 2009}   A Thank-you card to Vaginismus

It is the month to be thankful. For many years I’ve felt frustration, anger, depression and sadness of having Vaginismus. I’m not saying I’m completely over those things, but I think most of us forget really what a gift it can be.

Vaginismus often because society puts the stigmatism to sex and its importance in a relationship that it often seems and feels like the death card.  I don’t think many of us show the respect to our bodies as we should.  Having Vaginismus isn’t the death card.  I want to thank my muscles because it let gave me the opportunity to know the value of the marriage I’m in.

I have some male friends whom at times have confided me that while they enjoy the sex they are not happy with the marriage and are interested in another individual.  So obviously sex problems (while can create discourse as I have experienced) it isn’t what severs the ties between a couple.  My body also prevented me from possibly getting in the wrong relationship and having sex with a lot of guys. My Vaginismus pushed me to find a man whom wanted more out of the relationship.

I think a lot of us put the emphasis on that “it” makes us less females and “it” prevents us from being able to find a date or relationship.  As opposed to realizing that if a guy is going to leave you or not take interest in you because you have Vaginismus that they aren’t worth the time.  It creates a road block from seeing that in reality our vaginismus is like a gift.  It means our bodies care so much for us and in a sense deserve respect.

So thank you for having respect for me.  I also think the Vaginismus at the end of the day has brought my husband and I closer than if I didn’t have Vaginismus. Because if you are married, Vaginismus isn’t just a woman’s problem. It is a problem that both husband and wife have to suffer.  Vaginismus affect men differently, but they still suffer as a result.

I am not saying that there isn’t a part of me that wishes I never had to experience Vaginismus. I wished that I didn’t suffer the pain or have the problems I do.  I am just saying that sometimes you can find things to be thank-ful and you can find a positive to even the most difficult and private problems. 

What I am most thankful this year is that I have found the correct path.  For any women out there whom has spent years or just recently found out. I want you to know that there are many of us out there with the problem.  It has taken me 4 1/2 years to have intercourse with my husband.  I haven’t experienced no pain with sex, but that day will be here. I’m just thankful that I have found sucess and that I’m on the road to recovery.  Never lose hope. It is easier said than done.


{August 8, 2009}   Reaction

Well the episode didn’t really discuss Vaginismus, but it discussed the overall problem of Vulvudynia. (I know that is spelled wrong).  If you go onto ABC 20/20’s website they even show some exercises from a PT that are to help work the muscles of the pelvic floor. It was interesting.  The other day I had the PT place tennis balls underneath my butt leaving me very uncomfortable and well confused.  This PT did the same thing. I wish they had discussed more about the various kinds. They really only addressed one type of Vulvular pain.  But I found the “birth control pill” to be a new one for me.  I would say I fit underneath category two.

Although the way they presented it was that sex was possible but with pain. For me, insertion has been impossible pain or no pain due to tightening of muscles.  It’s like hitting a wall. I do get the burning and pain symptoms, but its a bit more.  I think that is because of the Vaginismus.  I am glad that they addressed it.  My husband even mentioned the possibility of traveling to a Dr. in Washington, D.C, if needs be.  Right now my own home doctor has no idea or comprehension of what I have.   This year was the first time I mentioned it by name. I’ve been moving all around due to job and schooling with my husband. We finally bought  a house and so we are pretty much set on our place. Unfortunately, for us it is in an area that has no Physical Therapists trained in pelvic floor disorders and the family doctors seem to look at you like I’m speaking a different language.

I have a physical therapist, maybe not as close as I would like. That is a starting point.  Hopefully the end point, but this encourages me to fight on.  I still get upset at the number of specialists and people and diagnosis I got.  I went through external ultra sounds, various x-rays, and other picto-things for various conditions or problems for pain I was experiencing.  I saw urologists, gyn’s, hospital doctors, family doctors.  This was when I was in college.  I keep thinking to myself why did take me this long to figure out my problems.  If only people had the knowledge now. Would I have had a colonoscopy? Would I have suffered as much as I did then with unnecessary test preps or tests?  Would my marriage have started the way it has started?

I guess I could do the “What if ” thing, but what is the point.  I got to do my physical therapy homework and then get some sleep.  Just glad to see that the media is making other women more aware.  This will hopefully help other women discovering the problem to not feel different or way out of the loop. For the longest time I had the deepest shame and got mocked at by a counselor whom said my inability to have sex or penetrate with anything was “unheard of and impossible”. This was before I had a name or knowledge of my condition.  So hopefully other women don’t have that same problem and if they do they can see this and maybe get the courage and knowledge that there are solutions. There are real solutions and hope.

{August 7, 2009}   Take a look at this


Watch the short clip, but make sure to put your tv on at 10 and watch the special.

et cetera