Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

No real sucess. No real shocker. We both fell asleep. My problem is that with a child its really impossible to do anything during the day and in the evening we are usually finishing up small projects. So by the point that we can do anything we are exhausted. Unlike some girls that can hop in bed and do a little romance or what not and ready. Thats not me.

Embarrasing to say the least, it takes me over an hour to get somewhat in the mood.I say somewhat because I’ve never really had those feelings of wanting anything. I know it stems from my past. Thats why my husband usually says “Your body doesn’t want me!”. My mind, heart, and soul do if that counts for anything. It is these moments that I want to cry. Because I love my husband and I want to please him.

Then the other problem I have which is something that runs in my family. I have the “fall asleep” at any moment. I embarrassingly and hate to say this have fall asleep on the phone (not for lack of interest in what was being talked about or who), while on the computer, and in the evening when its dark. I have even fallen asleep at a play house during a show that I was enjoying.

So I’m battling the hour, tiredenss, and my body. My counselor says I really need to give myself 5 hours inorder to have sucess. Umh.. When do I get good 5 hours of waking hours. Not happening during the day.. and I do need sleep. So I guess I need to problem solve this.


{January 3, 2010}   Keep on treading

I put our progress on trying for a child on hold during my monthly visitor. We were at my parents house for the holidays and was worried about the bed. Yesterday, was the first day after a week and a half an attempt was made. It was very painful and the burning was there. I am not really worried because we gave it another try the following morning. I think I may have problems with personal lubrication . I don’t feel my body reacts the way other girls do.
As I laid in bed my hubby states ” I must be a horrible lover because your body doesn’t want me”. I asked what he meant, but I knew he was reffering to the lack of personal lubrication. This I know is connected to my past. This discussion has come up in counseling session.
Hence the homework assignment on self soothing. I am to try including it into my schedule once every two weeks, meanwhile K y Jelly is getting loads of money from me.

After careful reflection, I have compared the painful events where there was partial sucess and the one sucess episode.  When I was given the homework assignment by my Physical therapist to attempt at sex for informative purpose, I know I was told that I needed to be in the mood and that I had to be relaxed.  I think having the homework assignment and feeling like it was important to get data, may have made it be more difficult to relax and be in the mood so to speak.

It is funny.  Well not funny, but the irony is I thought I wanted it.  I desired to be normal.  I guess normal isn’t the right word, but I desired the physical intimacy that a lot of married couples experiences.  I wanted to see progress, even if it meant suffering a low level pain.  I think I put so much stress and emphasis that I made for a more painful situation.

I’ve learned from that mistake. Although I say I’ve learned, I can’t control my body because sometimes the natural desire and interest can sometimes not match.  You can sometimes fool yourself into thinking that your in the mood and not realize that there are other things that impede it, but I have a better understanding that if something isn’t sucessful does not mean immediate regression. 

This was something I was reflecting because in one of the support groups I’m in this discussion came about.  I think soo many times with the natural difficulties and blockks to a natural healthy sex life, and using of tampons. Many of us jump on “there goes my pelvic muscles” or I’ve regressed as opposed to thinking about our current state of mind.  Especially with individuals with vaginismus, the natural need for foreplay and being in the mood is soo important.

You have to have sex when you desire it and not when others want you to have it.  If there is pressure from your partner and your not in the mood, it may result in a painful or unsucess.  I have learned to be more open about really where I am mentally in the process. 

I’m over the swine flu, and while I want to make another attempt with my husband, I’m not going to run to bed until I know that I’m ready and in the mood. I want it to be sucessful. That doesn’t mean I’m going to wait weeks, but I want to make sure that when I make another attempt I have the time to put into the process.

I do hope that someday that I can have what people call “quickies” or maybe that really doesn’t exist. Right now my goal is to have continued progress in the bedroom and to eventually get to the point where I can enjoy myself in the bedroom.  I hope that this isn’t an unrealistic goal or dream.

et cetera