Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{October 6, 2009}   Irony

For the past year and a half, my husband and I have been wanting children and feeling like sex was just not a possibility.  I find it ironic, I’m the closest to a cure and for the first time have been thinking of having kids.  I realized the other day, that after listening to my sister who is a nurse in the labor and delivery unit at a hospital that I also have a fear of child birth.  I truely believe it is connected with the vaginismus.

So my vaginismus has created a new fear that was not present prior to marriage.  My husband and I were debating about making an attempt by December.  I want to experience the whole pregnancy and delivery but I fear something majorly going wrong.  Some might say “well many women have given birth”  It is what your body is made for.  Hmm.. That area is made to support life, but also for reproduction.  And right now, the reproduction process is a struggle.

I typed into google fear of childbirth and got this term. “Tacophobia”.  I think it is kind of interesting that the prefix “taco” stands for childbirth.  Don’t know why I find that humorous.  I also typed into google vaginismus and didn’t get anything helpful. At least the group ttcwithvaginismus was helpful.  This is another group on yahoo, and as the name implies it is for women trying to concieve.  When I joined we were going to start right away.  We are doing it in the near future.

I’m kind of glad we are going to wait til December to see how the progress is. Because maybe we could have a sucess prior to December.  He is also currently looking into getting tested to check his fertilaty ability.  It is scary to think that ontop of the whole Vag issue, and getting over that, that there could be more wrong that would prevent childbirth.

Let’s hope that this is no the case.  I think I can attach the word “worry wart”.  The what ifs and the maybes would kill me.  I guess I just got to understand “what will happen will happen.”.


{September 21, 2009}   Nervous about Progress?

I recently had another appointment with my Physical Therapist with my husband present.  The internal hurt more  since we hadn’t had an appointment awhile. I was at a level 4-5 pain.  The therapist after the internal exercises looks at me and my husband and states that she thinks that assumming my levels of pain don’t change.  My husband and I are suppose to try and for me to be prepared for the pain.

I’m really nervous.  Everytime we have tried it has been “hitting the wall”. The pain was a  part, but mostly it just wasn’t happening.  On top of the inability I have had body memory troubles, so it has made intimacy a very difficult thing.  When I asked how my husband felt about the fact that this was being presented as an option. He admitted he was a bit nervous. He was afraid of another failure.

It hurts that this fear is even present. I should be excited and thrilled that this is a new stage in the whole process, but unfortunately I’m stuck on the fear that I will be disappointed. I’m very scared of the pain too.  But I can deal with that (briefly) if  things turn out to be a sucess.  To even say that something happened would be a miracle.  Don’t get me wrong. I’m excited, but I’m really afraid of disappointment.

{September 9, 2009}   Lack of Focus and Support

 Work and time has become a factor.  At the end of the day I have no energy or desire to spend 30 minutes doing the various exercises, especially when my hubby whom is suppose to help me with about 10 minutes of the stretch is not there to really support it.  I need focus and a new motivation.  My new attitude of “having children of my own, isn’t going to happen to me” has really put a rock in the middle of my attitude process.  The weight is getting heavier everyday.  I’m a horrible sister whom has not really supported my sister in her pregnancy.

I’ve become wrongly and horribly jealous of something that I wish not to be.  I am happy for her husband and her.  I am.. and at the same time I wish that was me.  I hate my new attitude and how I have been behaving.  In two weeks there is a baby shower, 6 hours from here.  She supposedly is going to have 2.  I would love to say the fact that I may be housing the 2nd baby shower could mean I have a leg out on the first, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.  That is horrible ” a leg out on the first”.  I am just terrified of breaking down and afraid of what the day is going to be like.

I know I need to get a serious attitude readjustment and fast or I could seriously hurt my sister.  I want her baby shower to be memorable in a positive manner, not because her older sister broke down.  Sorry if I seem so negative, I’m just venting, confused, frustrated, and angry at myself.

{September 6, 2009}   Babies’r’us (spelling?)

I had an embarrassing experience at the store while shopping or looking for gift registry items for my sister’s baby’s registry.  I thought I had built this tight shield around me lately of “I don’t need to have children of my own”.  I literally started to tear up and had a hard time breathing back the tears. The worse part I was in a public place.  Every corner and location was baby stuff and families at all stages of the birthing process.  I struggled showing excitement during the whole process and worked hard to not tear up.  The only thing that worked was blocking off all surroundings and pretend that the bedding was those that you find at a Bed Bath and Beyond.

I was horrified at how I reacted and had no control.  The more I tried to control and hide the emotions, the worse it became.  It was a bad experience.

{August 29, 2009}   Paranoia Dissipates

My most recent therapy session was pretty much the same as last session. The only difference was that instead of a sense of numbness and no pain. I had no pain in that small sliver with a sensation that something was below.  So I guess my worries and concerns were for naught.  This is cause for celebration in my boat.  One small step for my vagina and one well not so giant step toward sex.  Don’t know where that came from.  My fear is though that I will go through this whole getting to the point of being able to have  a GYN exam and still have issues with my husband.  It is a fear in the back of my mind, that seeps up from time to time.  I guess I just have to trust that things will improve.

{July 2, 2009}   Biological Clock Pounding

I’m preparing to celebrate my 27th birthday and I know there is still 3 more years til I celebrate my 30th.  But for my husband and I this was the milestone to start having children.  It has also been rough because it use to be only my inlaws asking, so when do you plan on starting a family. My parents have really been on the ball with this whole “you know if you want to have children, now is a good time as any”.  It doesn’t help with all the pictures of babies in wombs or new born pics on facebook.

About 95% of my married friends have had children.  Starting a family isn’t a competition or a race. It is about what is best for the individual.  The thing is we are ready.  The only problem is the vaginismus which is complicated with my past.  I’m starting to think the chances of obtaining a child the normal way is completely out the door.  My counselor says I need to be patient. That is easy for him to say when he doesn’t have these feelings and he’s not on some kind of emotional roller coaster.

I’ve dealt with the emotional roller coaster, but I’m experiencing a new low. If that is possible. Lately, I will see a baby or a mother and be expecting and think “I wish that was me.”  Or I will be reminded of  a discussion either with family members whom don’t understand and think they do, or a comment made by my husband.  We discussed invitrofertilization since my own Mom whose a nurse mentioned that. 

My husbands reaction was that my problem is taking the whole suprise factor out of having kids.  You know a lot of people say they are not actively trying, but if it happens it would be nice.  I’m thinking a lot of people use contraceptives and when they begin to be ready they stop the contraceptive.  It isn’t a suprise, it is more a suprise as to the time frame.  I don’t see how invitro would really take the suprise factor.  It would still be a suprise if it succeeded and a suprise on the number of children.  That is the only thing I’m wary of is the numbers game on that one.

I’ve heard of the syringe method which I don’t know all too much about.  I was able to wear a tampon for a short period of time, which is a big step. I owe a friend on facebook whom helped me to get to the point where I could go on a trip and use a tampon if the need arised. Which it did! It lasted the majority of the trip.   So I guess that is another option.  I’m just frustrated right now.

I feel like I’m in a capsule with millions of thoughts and words swinging around me.  I have the counselor saying it will take time due to the abuse and trauma you experienced. You need to be patient… My parents reminding me that if things don’t change on the intimacy front I could be really hurt.  When are you going to have children?…… Then my husband. I always imagined we’d be further along. Things haven’t worked the way that I thought they would or pictured. .. and my own biological clock is going…  I want to be a Mom.  I want to experience child birth.

Here is the ironic thing of all the things. While I want the experience of childbirth, I fear pregnancy.  I fear the giving birth part.  If something can’t fit inside me, how is it possible for the baby to exit the area.  Will it make my chances of curing Vaginismus impossible?    These are all things that I have concerns about.  What if I get pregant and I got through labor and I’m one of those girls that requires to be cut in the vaginal area because onto of muscle tightness, I have bones that are too close together.

These are all probably irrational fears and thoughts, but they run through my mind.  But those are minor thoughts compared to the deep depression and emotional rollercoaster I’m experiencing. I have been one whom has always kept her feelings inside.  For the most part crying in public for me is almost unheard of.  Not lately.  I’m the leaky faucet and it is embarrasing.  I need to figure out something fast because this emotional rollercoaster is getting to me.

Recently I read a blog from another victim of Vaginismus.  I don’t know if victim is the right word, persay. Anywho, the individual was commenting about their research on Vaginismus.  According to their research, and well, I will say the research I have done is pretty conclusive.  Involvement with your sexual partner during the healing process is required for sucess.  This individual was venting as a result of not having anyone at the current moment to help in her matter. 

 I would love to say that having a spouse or partner doesn’t mean they will be active in the process. Mine avoids it at all costs. It’s like the plague.  Quite frankly I don’t blame him.  My mom says its due to the strict upbringing and belief that sex is disgusting. I’m not so certain of that. I have taken it that he blames himself for the situation, when ironically there is nothing he could have done to make this occur.

The problem is with me.   Try explaining that.  I have made some progress with dilators recently which is cause for celebration.  I think I celebrated a little too early.  I managed to get one of the dilators in (not moving) and not entirely inside without pain.  I tried again the next day and the first dilator wouldn’t go in without making me feel like my body was splitting.

I don’t know.  I told my Mom after it happened about the sucess and her response was of celebration.  The trueth is. This is the second time I’ve gotten the first in and then back slided.  She stated it was a sign of things to come. I know she meant a window to the possiblity of sex and maybe grandchildren.  For me, a sign of continual small celebrations to disappointment. I hope not.  I’m going to try again tonight with the vagisil.

et cetera