Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

My counselor decided that the blog that was encouraged and supported to create should be shared with family members. I had to pick so many from each side of the family. My side of the family was small so it pretty much was my Mom and sister. From my husbands family, I had to pick 3 people. This is to get me to be more open and not as hidden about what I’m going through. I find it funny since I have this blog, but I know. Unless, I reveal who I am. For Family. If you comment please do not comment with my name or my family, as I don’t want my name attached to this blog.



It is hard to stay positive on the whole vaginismus track.  Marriage has complications without adding the no sex and without my physical and emotional intimacies.  I first thought when we made it through the past two years and became in a rut of acceptance that the no sex and lack of physical was easy to avoid that maybe things wouldn’t be soo bad.  It isn’t that I wasn’t trying to get help, I just had no where to turn at the time.  I am 27 and while I still have time to have children, this was the age we had planned to start having children. My Mom whom knows of my condition told me in a shopping experience today, “I know that you are dealing with your issues, but I believe you will have your own children.  When you do, you will be more emotionally prepared and ready for it.”.  What is even harder is the fact that I could get past all the emotional and physical problems to find out that there is a reproductive problem as well.  I’m guessing the only way to know if that this is the case, is by trying to have a child.

It is ironic that while I feel the closest I have been to a solution, that I feel no closer to the end.  My husband says that I have a very pessimistic attitude right now.  Your point? I feel so tired fighting the typical crap that people deal with.  I want a vacation!!

{July 2, 2009}   Biological Clock Pounding

I’m preparing to celebrate my 27th birthday and I know there is still 3 more years til I celebrate my 30th.  But for my husband and I this was the milestone to start having children.  It has also been rough because it use to be only my inlaws asking, so when do you plan on starting a family. My parents have really been on the ball with this whole “you know if you want to have children, now is a good time as any”.  It doesn’t help with all the pictures of babies in wombs or new born pics on facebook.

About 95% of my married friends have had children.  Starting a family isn’t a competition or a race. It is about what is best for the individual.  The thing is we are ready.  The only problem is the vaginismus which is complicated with my past.  I’m starting to think the chances of obtaining a child the normal way is completely out the door.  My counselor says I need to be patient. That is easy for him to say when he doesn’t have these feelings and he’s not on some kind of emotional roller coaster.

I’ve dealt with the emotional roller coaster, but I’m experiencing a new low. If that is possible. Lately, I will see a baby or a mother and be expecting and think “I wish that was me.”  Or I will be reminded of  a discussion either with family members whom don’t understand and think they do, or a comment made by my husband.  We discussed invitrofertilization since my own Mom whose a nurse mentioned that. 

My husbands reaction was that my problem is taking the whole suprise factor out of having kids.  You know a lot of people say they are not actively trying, but if it happens it would be nice.  I’m thinking a lot of people use contraceptives and when they begin to be ready they stop the contraceptive.  It isn’t a suprise, it is more a suprise as to the time frame.  I don’t see how invitro would really take the suprise factor.  It would still be a suprise if it succeeded and a suprise on the number of children.  That is the only thing I’m wary of is the numbers game on that one.

I’ve heard of the syringe method which I don’t know all too much about.  I was able to wear a tampon for a short period of time, which is a big step. I owe a friend on facebook whom helped me to get to the point where I could go on a trip and use a tampon if the need arised. Which it did! It lasted the majority of the trip.   So I guess that is another option.  I’m just frustrated right now.

I feel like I’m in a capsule with millions of thoughts and words swinging around me.  I have the counselor saying it will take time due to the abuse and trauma you experienced. You need to be patient… My parents reminding me that if things don’t change on the intimacy front I could be really hurt.  When are you going to have children?…… Then my husband. I always imagined we’d be further along. Things haven’t worked the way that I thought they would or pictured. .. and my own biological clock is going…  I want to be a Mom.  I want to experience child birth.

Here is the ironic thing of all the things. While I want the experience of childbirth, I fear pregnancy.  I fear the giving birth part.  If something can’t fit inside me, how is it possible for the baby to exit the area.  Will it make my chances of curing Vaginismus impossible?    These are all things that I have concerns about.  What if I get pregant and I got through labor and I’m one of those girls that requires to be cut in the vaginal area because onto of muscle tightness, I have bones that are too close together.

These are all probably irrational fears and thoughts, but they run through my mind.  But those are minor thoughts compared to the deep depression and emotional rollercoaster I’m experiencing. I have been one whom has always kept her feelings inside.  For the most part crying in public for me is almost unheard of.  Not lately.  I’m the leaky faucet and it is embarrasing.  I need to figure out something fast because this emotional rollercoaster is getting to me.

Recently I read a blog from another victim of Vaginismus.  I don’t know if victim is the right word, persay. Anywho, the individual was commenting about their research on Vaginismus.  According to their research, and well, I will say the research I have done is pretty conclusive.  Involvement with your sexual partner during the healing process is required for sucess.  This individual was venting as a result of not having anyone at the current moment to help in her matter. 

 I would love to say that having a spouse or partner doesn’t mean they will be active in the process. Mine avoids it at all costs. It’s like the plague.  Quite frankly I don’t blame him.  My mom says its due to the strict upbringing and belief that sex is disgusting. I’m not so certain of that. I have taken it that he blames himself for the situation, when ironically there is nothing he could have done to make this occur.

The problem is with me.   Try explaining that.  I have made some progress with dilators recently which is cause for celebration.  I think I celebrated a little too early.  I managed to get one of the dilators in (not moving) and not entirely inside without pain.  I tried again the next day and the first dilator wouldn’t go in without making me feel like my body was splitting.

I don’t know.  I told my Mom after it happened about the sucess and her response was of celebration.  The trueth is. This is the second time I’ve gotten the first in and then back slided.  She stated it was a sign of things to come. I know she meant a window to the possiblity of sex and maybe grandchildren.  For me, a sign of continual small celebrations to disappointment. I hope not.  I’m going to try again tonight with the vagisil.

et cetera