Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{August 26, 2011}  

I’ve lost my mind and organization of my day to day schedule. I know I have another counseling appointment in a few days, but I don’t know if I scheduled PT same time or not. So now I’ve got to call my PT and verify when my next session is with them.
Since the one attempt not much has really happened. Right now with somethings going on in my life, I’m not relaxed enough and probably wouldn’t be able to relax even if I wanted to. I need a vacation from my mind. Oh wait I think I remember my husband saying he noted the PT appointment somewhere (maybe phone or maybe his Ipod). I may not have to call unless I scheduled them on the same day. Lets pray that this isn’t the case.

Internally I’m going through a wide range of motions. I keep trying to hide most. Being a mother, I can’t let my son see all that is going on. I don’t want him to see the pain, the fear, or anger that sometimes pops up inside of me. I have to at those moments, shove them deep inside. Recognize those emotions for what they are and then focus on my son.
When I am with him, that is when I relax. Not completele relaxation. Its amazing how a child can make you smile.


My life hasn’t been the easiest but I think everyone deals with various things. What is difficult to one person is nothing to the next person? You can’t compare people’s lives. So why bother trying. Growing up I use to be picked on, bullied, and beat up by other students. I was always taught to be nice and not do anything back. Probably because of my past but because my parents taught me that. It wasn’t really sucessful, but hey I didn’t lose my integrity and I became stronger as a result.
My saving grace in middle school, was I would visualize Jesus walking next to me. I use to have conversations with him. My faith that God was with me, was the reason I internalized his presence in the room with me. My faith hasn’t swaggered away from him. He is my comfort, my guide, my father.
Something happened that has put me in a place that well I never have been or would have expected to be in. Its a sticky situation. With prayer and with his guidance I will make it through. Every path has its bumps and I’m sitting on that right now. Waiting to see what direction I’m to take.
Alls I know is to be honest and to be as honest as possible. With being honest and with my faith in God, and with family support, I know that I will get through. But the thought that came to me was.

I know my life could get crazier, so I’m not going to think its at the worst possible point in life. But as always God is right beside me. I just need to keep that nestled right in my mind.

I know this isn’t vaginismus related or it doesn’t really address my last counseling session and I’m being vague about what is going on, but I have my reasons.

I would love to write, I had pain free sex. Yeah! That would be like the ultimate post. But I’ll take what I can get! He was at least able to enter me, but not without pain level. I would rate the pain at a 6. With my body memories and intimacy issues, combined with well the fact that it was painful, the thoughts of clouds just kind of went.
I did try the pillows and the other suggestions. They seemed to help to at least allow entrance. The last attempt it was the wall. While some would probably say I should of stopped, that isn’t me. Plus I wanted to give a gift to my husband. So I pushed myself. My personal goals in our future attempts is to really focus on the relaxation strategies and on those muscles. This is where I sometimes think botox might be an option for me. Especially since my bodies natural defense mechanism is to tighten up. But I am making progress again. Assuming I don’t get pregnant, which is reduced by the condoms and by well breastfeeding. I may have a chance at working on the pain levels. We shall see. I’m hoping that pushing it doesn’t cause the wall, but we shall see. This process always seems a little bit like a back and forth kind of motion.

{August 13, 2011}   Physical Therapy Appointment

My most recent session with the Physical Therapy went well. We went through a bunch of different muscle strengthing exercises. Here we go again with that weak left side. I’m lopsided, I’ve decided. It doesn’t change or get better. Lol.

We then moved to internal. Oh boy!! My favorite part. When inside the physical therapist asked the pain level. I think I said 3 or 4, but now that I think about it that was me lowering the pain number which isn’t great, but thats me. I was told to think of clouds. Which ironically thinking of clouds helped. Because the tightening and pain level went down. I had the choice of going up or to the left. I avoided my left side because that is where I usually experience excruciating pain. I figured that the PT would go that direction, but hey if I get the first choice I’m going north even though I knew it wasn’t completely pain free.

After a few minutes of reminders to loosen muscles (thinking of exercises) and we go again with the clouds, I got the best news I thought possible. My pelvic floor has created space (functionable space!!!) even more than prior to the pregnancy!! :)!!!! Yes!!
So my homework assignment is to think clouds and make an attempt with my husband. Now comes the tricky situation. I’m not to dissassociate and stay present. As the PTs fingers were inside, and talking about homework, I kept tensing up. The PT kept saying “You’re tightening up as I’m talking about having sex”. (I’m not trying to tense up.. It’s my bodies defense mechanism). So now I gotta fight body memories and dissociating (my mind) to hopefully have sucess.
So we shall see. I was happy to hear about the functionable space and muscles. I’m not done Physical Therapy, but its a positive big step!! This is such great news. I’m guessing my next step is too really find a sex therapist to help me deal with my bodies natural defense mechanism due to things that happened in my past. I almost wrote the word. But not quite comfortable and to a certain degree. I know I’ll hear this discussion another session. I still feel to a certain degree, even though I know I have been told it is not my fault. I feel responsible. There I put it into words about what I feel. I feel I’m responsible for my situation. I guess I know what my next counseling session will be about.

Everyone has stresses and various things they have to deal with Vaginismus. For some it can be various relationship issues, finacial issues, living situation issues, other health issues. These all impact us in various ways. I find that with making progress with Vaginismus, the times I’ve have made steps in the right direction is when I was motivated. Doing the homework routinely, and attending appointments, and relaxing.

Lately, physical therapy and time for myself and my needs have gone to the back door. Emotionally I’m just stressed. When I get that alone minute to do my homework, my other stresses in life have pushed my ability to relax right out the door. I can’t focus on the assignment at hand. I find myself too stressed about another issue that really defeats the point of doing the homework. This has been a near recent occurance.

Without all the other stresses in life, I think I would be able to put the focus I need. I keep trying to tell my husband that the physical therapy is important to me.. As much as it is to him. Its just that right now my head is too overflowing with problems. I need to downshift some of the other problems so I can put my mind back in the direction of making the necessary changes.

So my goal this week is to put some of the other stresses on the back burner so I can deal with my homework in a more relaxed manner. Wish me luck on that! I could use some prayers right now.

{August 6, 2011}   Needing a break!

I need a mental break. I need a day or really a few days where memories of my past don’t haunt. A few days of maybe being normal. I’d like to know what it feels like to be a wife without soo many physical and emotional problems. I’d like to know what its like to go to bed and just have things happen without the feelings, fears, and problems being like a big ugly “X”.
If there was a prayer that could be said, I guess it would be a vacation from the stresses of my life. I would love to be able to lock the painful memories and the side effects that have resulted from such incidences. I would love to be able to just have a week where I don’t have that on my mind or have it controlling my ability to have a healthy physical relationship with my husband.
Wow looking at what I just wrote. I probably sound tired. I guess I am tired. This has been a long journey and things in life. The normal stresses are just adding to what has already been a painful journey. No amount of words can express the pain I’m in right now.

Monday I started to feel a stabbing pain on my right side while I was at work. Unfortunately with pelvic floor pain its often hard for me to say “I am in pain” because that is almost a daily state, its just leveling the pain. It was bad enough that another individual noticed me holding my side. So I just figured, run of the mill pelvic floor pain, not too horrible, but up there.
Then today, the pain started to feel somewhat crampy like, by tonight, I’m noticing spotting and the pain escalated. Since, my husband and I while painfully had some sucess, and there is a chance of a pregnancy, I’m wondering is it a miscarriage. Breastfeeding certainly diminishes pregnancy from happening. Is it possible that there was sucess, but I lost the pregnancy. Is it my pelvic floor and I should just ignore?
The pain got bad enough I called the doctor to see what I could safetly take. I’m thinking if its not Pelvic floor it has to be Miscarriage. Not that I’m an expert. I’m not. I don’t even claim to know that area of the body. But to me I figure, its nothing medically seriously wrong. Since the regular pain killers weren’t working I figured maybe that something safe for breastfeeding could be prescribed. When I called, the doctor felt that while it could be miscarriage, based on the symptoms, he’s leaning toward a cyst on the ovaries.
So I don’t know. He also increased the amount of over the counter medication I can take. So tomorrow. I’ll be hauling my butt at some point for an ultrasound. If its a miscarriage, can that actually be seen or known? I know that if there is a cyst that can be viewed. The pelvic floor won’t be seen there. So I’m prepared for the “nothing can be seen” and awaiting for some goose chase. Sorry.
I just figure its one of two things and I’m not a doctor. Its probably cocky to say it can’t be the cyst on the ovaries or worse. I just feel strongly because I feel like I have been down this road with the pain. If there had been no bleeding, I would have just toughed it out. The slight bleeding made me think miscarriage. Since the pain was esclating, I was hoping to find out what I could safetly take since breastfeeding limits my abilities to take muscle relaxants.
I will be praying that there will be no cyst on the ovaries or something else. I really don’t think. I really want a year where ultrasounds and tests are not run. Since I figured out what the pelvic floor pain is, I’ve kind of have avoided really dealing with doctors. I just ride it out with all kinds of different things. The pain and the knowledge that it could be a miscarriage and the level of pain sent me to calling the doctors.
Oh well. I guess I am in for the long haul.
It didn’t help that today was very stressful for various reasons. The only good thing is that this guy seemed to know that giving me an internal ultrasound would really set my pelvic floor muscles into action, so he’s only doing an external one. He said with my weight it shouldn’t cause any problems. So I guess that is one victory thing out of all the things going on right now.

I hear this often from the man I love and adore. I want him in everyway possible. It’s a comment and sometimes a small joke he states at frustration of the situation. Who can blame him? I pray that he continues to be as patient and understanding as I go through the process of healing. I pray that we continue to navigate this path together. He is my best friend and family.
I can’t explain why my body reacts the way it does when its touched.
The trial homework from todays session was swapping nonsexual touch with a touch that I can handle. The hard thing is I usually don’t know that the touch is going to send me down the wrong path, til it happens. I don’t exactly control or plan on having any kind of reaction. I said I would try. I’m not sure how this will help him. For instance, if he comes up for a hug and I’m in one of those positions and I say “Why not hold my hand for a minute?” What if that sends me down the wrong path, probably a bad example, but wouldn’t that hurt him more.
I’m lost at this whole thing. I want nothing more than to have a normal relationship. Instead, I’m fighting body memories. Luckly for me, my husband while he does demonstrate some frustrations with his comment. He has been understanding and loving. I pray that we can find a person to help guide us in the department.
I’ve never had an orgasm. When we do things, I have trouble getting wet. My body reacts at simple touches. Other than language and words and my efforts to get to my goal. I understand where the comment “Your body doesn’t want me to come from.” I feel for him. I really do.

{July 23, 2011}   Sex Therapy Session 1

My husband and I went to an appointment, but not with a certified sex therapist. It turns out that the location we live in, makes it hard to find a certified sex therapist. Instead, there are some therapists whom will be somewhat comfortable about talking about sex. This is according to the individual we spoke to. I want to do more research, but its a start. The first question was so “What is the state of your sex life?”
Easy but not easy answer. Um not existant. Let’s see my problems. I have vaginismus along with body memories. I have issues with intimacy, which doesn’t make things easy.
As my husband described it, things like a hug, a simple kiss, and a back rub sometimes get rejected by the body memories. I dont say things and I try to hide them, but its out of my control. This makes me feel like such a terrible person. It makes me feel different. I know its from what happened when I was younger, but its a battle I’m fighting.
This individual stated that they are referring us to another person. So we shall wait til he talks to this counselor before preceding. My sister knows of a good therapist in Bucks County who does specialize in Vaginismus, but I’m hoping not to add another therapist in a far distance range. One therapist that distance is enough.

{July 18, 2011}   Why do I do this to myself?

After a physical therapy session of fitting tightly one finger, I stupidly pushed myself with my husband to try for sex. He managed to painfully get inside of me. The pain was at an 8 or 9 and when all was said and done, I spent an hour in the tub trying to calm my muscles below. Why do I do that? Actually I should know from counseling. While I don’t understand it, I guess it goes with my whole past. Some people would run from the pain, I guess because at an early age I experienced pain, I figure that this is what life is about. So I push on.
I need to stop pushing or I could damage my ability to get to the point where my body feels its okay to relax. I could really shoot myself for being so stupid. I guess hearing my husband voice quietly “I want to be inside you!” was the incentive I needed to push myself. The worse part is, I feel bad about the fact that the burning pain caused me to be in the bathtub.
My husband says that I shouldn’t feel like a baby, but I do. A little bit of blood from the event and a lot of burning and I’m pretty much stuck in the tub. Some people when they experience what they might label a 7-8 pain would be calling the doctor or going to the hospital. Not me. Its deal with it in the bathtub and count the hours til my body decides that enough time has passed to calm down.
It isn’t like I can really call a doctor. My doctors office doesn’t know much about my condition. A gyn would just say “It’s going to take time.” There isn’t really any kind of medication or ointment I can put down there. I guess I could apply ice, but its not exactly able to be placed inside. So I just have to sit it out. Maybe this was my wake up call to take things slowly and not push myself.
I guess I know what my next counseling session will be talking about.

et cetera