Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

I would love to write, I had pain free sex. Yeah! That would be like the ultimate post. But I’ll take what I can get! He was at least able to enter me, but not without pain level. I would rate the pain at a 6. With my body memories and intimacy issues, combined with well the fact that it was painful, the thoughts of clouds just kind of went.
I did try the pillows and the other suggestions. They seemed to help to at least allow entrance. The last attempt it was the wall. While some would probably say I should of stopped, that isn’t me. Plus I wanted to give a gift to my husband. So I pushed myself. My personal goals in our future attempts is to really focus on the relaxation strategies and on those muscles. This is where I sometimes think botox might be an option for me. Especially since my bodies natural defense mechanism is to tighten up. But I am making progress again. Assuming I don’t get pregnant, which is reduced by the condoms and by well breastfeeding. I may have a chance at working on the pain levels. We shall see. I’m hoping that pushing it doesn’t cause the wall, but we shall see. This process always seems a little bit like a back and forth kind of motion.


I hear this often from the man I love and adore. I want him in everyway possible. It’s a comment and sometimes a small joke he states at frustration of the situation. Who can blame him? I pray that he continues to be as patient and understanding as I go through the process of healing. I pray that we continue to navigate this path together. He is my best friend and family.
I can’t explain why my body reacts the way it does when its touched.
The trial homework from todays session was swapping nonsexual touch with a touch that I can handle. The hard thing is I usually don’t know that the touch is going to send me down the wrong path, til it happens. I don’t exactly control or plan on having any kind of reaction. I said I would try. I’m not sure how this will help him. For instance, if he comes up for a hug and I’m in one of those positions and I say “Why not hold my hand for a minute?” What if that sends me down the wrong path, probably a bad example, but wouldn’t that hurt him more.
I’m lost at this whole thing. I want nothing more than to have a normal relationship. Instead, I’m fighting body memories. Luckly for me, my husband while he does demonstrate some frustrations with his comment. He has been understanding and loving. I pray that we can find a person to help guide us in the department.
I’ve never had an orgasm. When we do things, I have trouble getting wet. My body reacts at simple touches. Other than language and words and my efforts to get to my goal. I understand where the comment “Your body doesn’t want me to come from.” I feel for him. I really do.

{July 23, 2011}   Sex Therapy Session 1

My husband and I went to an appointment, but not with a certified sex therapist. It turns out that the location we live in, makes it hard to find a certified sex therapist. Instead, there are some therapists whom will be somewhat comfortable about talking about sex. This is according to the individual we spoke to. I want to do more research, but its a start. The first question was so “What is the state of your sex life?”
Easy but not easy answer. Um not existant. Let’s see my problems. I have vaginismus along with body memories. I have issues with intimacy, which doesn’t make things easy.
As my husband described it, things like a hug, a simple kiss, and a back rub sometimes get rejected by the body memories. I dont say things and I try to hide them, but its out of my control. This makes me feel like such a terrible person. It makes me feel different. I know its from what happened when I was younger, but its a battle I’m fighting.
This individual stated that they are referring us to another person. So we shall wait til he talks to this counselor before preceding. My sister knows of a good therapist in Bucks County who does specialize in Vaginismus, but I’m hoping not to add another therapist in a far distance range. One therapist that distance is enough.

I’ve always found that when I’m nervous I laugh. I hate being serious. I guess its my little way of getting around things that are stressing me out. After the wedding, I would often make a joke about the situation with my husband to make light of our situation. At the time, my husband thought it wasn’t exactly funny. Not that I think the condition is funny. I just needed a way to relieve the tension and embarrasement and emotions that were going on inside me.
4 1/2 years later, he is now making jokes and sometimes at my expense. It doesn’t bother me. To me, you either laugh and work through, or cry and go into despair. I’ve had my down times and my up times. I’ve been on the downward path and more recently an even further downward spiral than I have been in years previously.
I knew that regression was a possibility. But several factors have made this downward spiral a harder climb. The impact on vaginismus on my ability to get into the pool at the time of the month has become a bit of a hard swallow. I worked so hard to be able to wear a tampon and have since then lost that ability.
So my husbands humor today reminded me something I have gone away from. Which is finding a way to take something that is bothering me and put a happy spin to it. Humor is soo important to me because it helps keep me at a distance from despair and anger.
I’m just lucky to have a husband who knows when I need a laugh and something to destress.

{April 21, 2011}   April 2011

Right now I’m in a bit of a rutt. My husband doesn’t seem to understand my hesitancy in changing physcial therapists. If only he understood that I’ve heard of many people with my condition that go to different clinics for many years until they find the right person. I found someone in Doylestown whom I found sucess with and whom I trust. Yes, this individual, gave the name of a person closer, but I am not certain that this is the right thing. I guess I just need to get over that emotional hump.

I understand my husband’s frustration. He spent 4 1/2 years with no sex in a marriage. We barely started having sucess and then I got pregnant and nothing for about 12 months and then nothing again because I have gone back to where I started. I am suppose to have a papsmear after the whole pregnancy, but because of the state of things, I haven’t actively seeked a gyn in the area I live. I know I’m on a downward spiral emotionally and that I just need to get back on the saddle so to speak. I just am frustrated.

My husband admitted to me for the first time, that prior to our initial sucess last December, he had thought that we were going to never be able to have sex. This was from all the reading and research he had done online. Then after sucess and seeing that the physical therapy was a sucess, that is why he is on me. I’m glad that I have him there because I need that push. Right now I’m not pushing myself. I’m getting the phone right now because I’m going to make this phone call.

I just needed to blog to deal with my fears and feelings. I’m hoping that I can do an interview before deciding that she is the right person for me.

{February 27, 2011}   5 months post pregnancy

If the only experience of sex I get is the few times before I concieved my son, then I guess I can be thankful. But I am hopeful that I can return to the sucess I had a little over a year ago.. The pain wasn’t completely away, but I was able to experience sex and I was able to concieve my wonderful son. I feel soo blessed. I’m back in physical therapy. In the beginning my husband was supportive but hestitant that this would lead to hope. Now after Colin, he’s pestering me about setting up appointments. So I think I definately see a change in his mind about physical therapy.

We’ve tried a couple times with no sucess. Even my physical therapist noted the tightness, so it wasn’t just me. I nearly cried during the therapy session as she was doing the internal stretching. It was painful. Not only was it physically painful but emotionally frustrated. I guess I didn’t really think about the possibility of complete inability to have someone enter me again. Here goes concerns of physical examinations with GYNS. I don’t use tampons. Had I used tampons, maybe I would have known, but I didn’t. The only tell tale sign was the inability to have sex. There was the wall again. I guess. I have to look at it this way, I did it once. I can do it again. Nose back to the grind stone.

Oh my PT found a person in Harrisburg. This PT in Harrisburg is married to an OBGYN who specializes in pelvic disorder and vaginismus :o). So I’m going to give it a shot.

{November 15, 2010}   A True Gift

I gave birth to a beautiful 7 pound and 20 1/2 inch boy. His name is Colin. He is a beautiful boy and a gift. After years without being able to have sex with my husband I thought that this dream would never be achieved. The pregnancy wasn’t easy with my pelvic floor problems. Unlike most pregnant women, I experienced contractions (consistently and monitorable) for a month before delivering. This isn’t like the norm at all. I also had a cathedar for about a week because I had to strain in the bathtub to go and it was painful.
I had a cesarian, upon recomendation of my physical therapist. At first when the word c-section was brought up it was a big no. Then with all the things that occured at my end, I had to put it into consideration. I’m glad. My son is here and while I will never know what delivering a baby naturally is like. My baby is here and I don’t have to worry about perenial nerve damage, which with my pelvic floor condition is a definate concern. The Perenial Nerve Damage is from what I read a very painful condition that can happen during delivery.
For those whom have Vaginismus. Don’t give up hope. Keep the hope. Believe in yourself and respect yourself. It can happen. It is very achievable. The gift is well worth the work you put into getting there.

{January 3, 2010}   Keep on treading

I put our progress on trying for a child on hold during my monthly visitor. We were at my parents house for the holidays and was worried about the bed. Yesterday, was the first day after a week and a half an attempt was made. It was very painful and the burning was there. I am not really worried because we gave it another try the following morning. I think I may have problems with personal lubrication . I don’t feel my body reacts the way other girls do.
As I laid in bed my hubby states ” I must be a horrible lover because your body doesn’t want me”. I asked what he meant, but I knew he was reffering to the lack of personal lubrication. This I know is connected to my past. This discussion has come up in counseling session.
Hence the homework assignment on self soothing. I am to try including it into my schedule once every two weeks, meanwhile K y Jelly is getting loads of money from me.

{November 16, 2009}   A Thank-you card to Vaginismus

It is the month to be thankful. For many years I’ve felt frustration, anger, depression and sadness of having Vaginismus. I’m not saying I’m completely over those things, but I think most of us forget really what a gift it can be.

Vaginismus often because society puts the stigmatism to sex and its importance in a relationship that it often seems and feels like the death card.  I don’t think many of us show the respect to our bodies as we should.  Having Vaginismus isn’t the death card.  I want to thank my muscles because it let gave me the opportunity to know the value of the marriage I’m in.

I have some male friends whom at times have confided me that while they enjoy the sex they are not happy with the marriage and are interested in another individual.  So obviously sex problems (while can create discourse as I have experienced) it isn’t what severs the ties between a couple.  My body also prevented me from possibly getting in the wrong relationship and having sex with a lot of guys. My Vaginismus pushed me to find a man whom wanted more out of the relationship.

I think a lot of us put the emphasis on that “it” makes us less females and “it” prevents us from being able to find a date or relationship.  As opposed to realizing that if a guy is going to leave you or not take interest in you because you have Vaginismus that they aren’t worth the time.  It creates a road block from seeing that in reality our vaginismus is like a gift.  It means our bodies care so much for us and in a sense deserve respect.

So thank you for having respect for me.  I also think the Vaginismus at the end of the day has brought my husband and I closer than if I didn’t have Vaginismus. Because if you are married, Vaginismus isn’t just a woman’s problem. It is a problem that both husband and wife have to suffer.  Vaginismus affect men differently, but they still suffer as a result.

I am not saying that there isn’t a part of me that wishes I never had to experience Vaginismus. I wished that I didn’t suffer the pain or have the problems I do.  I am just saying that sometimes you can find things to be thank-ful and you can find a positive to even the most difficult and private problems. 

What I am most thankful this year is that I have found the correct path.  For any women out there whom has spent years or just recently found out. I want you to know that there are many of us out there with the problem.  It has taken me 4 1/2 years to have intercourse with my husband.  I haven’t experienced no pain with sex, but that day will be here. I’m just thankful that I have found sucess and that I’m on the road to recovery.  Never lose hope. It is easier said than done.


  My husband and I had a sucess in the bedroom again.  This is the celebration.  There was a little bit of discomfort and no real pleasure, but a sucess.  The first attempt was awkward in that I was faced away and while it was a sucess, I really had to fight body memories and so it even more amazing that there was sucess. Like I said previously, we didn’t exactly plan it, it just kind of happened. 

This morning we made another attempt with me on top, which was a sucess.  The other day we tried this same position and had a not so sucessful experience, but today we had sucess.  This was good to know that we could do it this way. This felt a bit normal position and I prefered this to what originally worked.  We still have no sucess with the missionary position. Isn’t that suppose to be the easiest and most basic position?

My frustration comes that we hit the wall every time. I freeze, my body memories are the worst and when we are in that position, my mind and body are on the verge of breaking from my body. It feels like some psychotic break.  My husband doesn’t understand the whole body memory thing. The counselor tried to explain it, but I understand its not exactly something most people experience.

Will I never be able to have sex like this?  Will there always be that block?  I know part of its connected or a lot of it connects to issues with my past.  And as a result of my past, the body memories, the pelvic floor muscles begin their dance, but I wish I could put a halt on their movements. I guess I should be happy with the sucess (and I am) but I guess I kind of was hoping that I could say that the positions that seem the most basic and prevalent were doable.

I have to remind myself one step at a time.  It is so difficult at times. I seem so close to a complete cure but I’m still working on it. My counselor says I’m hard on myself in general. I guess so, but if I’m not hard on myself and holding myself accountable for myself, who will be there.   

But the celebration today is the fact that I had another sucessful event. While there was an unsucessful event with two positions, I’ve still maintained the ability to have intercourse. And I think maybe the discomfort was even less than before.

I just felt like sharing.  And with any luck maybe I might be pregnant, I doubt it will be easy like that, but there is always hope.

et cetera