Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

I have my physical therapist to thank. I had a physical therapy appointment and I can say that I had a few moments of 1 discomfort, but for the most part it was a 0.   I felt the pulling and stretching with her fingers inside, but no pain.  I was really proud of myself because at times I’ve tightened up and have had problems due to body memories. I was even amazed because when she went to do the insertion I was not completely relaxed, but there was still no pain with entrance.  I’m pondering if I should try to schedule a GYN visit. 

I have never had a sucessful GYN visit.  The fact that she can do internal stretches and work, and experiencing such minimal pain, maybe it is worth a check.  I was thinking of getting out my dilators.  I haven’t used them since I started physical therapy.  This was upon recommendation of the physical therapist.  She hasn’t said about checking, but I’m curious what number I could get in there. I have a total of 7 dilators from memories.  I would be curious as to what I would find. 

I have my physical therapist to owe.  I understand that there wouldn’t be absolutely no pain for intercouse. I knew that when we made the attempt. I also know that I still am experiencing pelvic muscle clamping and pain as a result of the tightening.  But I know that most likely my next biggest loop is the counseling I’m doing.  I am not stopping physical therapy, but I know that my past is what I need to deal with.  I need to face the body memories head on. 

I had divereted some of my attention to the physcial therapy because two reasons. I wanted to be able to feel like I could have a normal marriage or somewhat normal of a marriage.  But I think it was also easier than dealing with what has happened in my past. I find it hard to talk and I need to do that.  I need to start focusing my work on that, because if I don’t I might not make any more progress with my vaginismus.


{July 13, 2009}   Vaginimsus woes

I did my homework with the dilators last night. I did an hour session while watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.  I did notice that I have had recent problems of the dilator getting it stuck.  I experience the normal “burning pain”, but then I’ll try to reposition if it feels like it is hitting a wall. It literally took me 15 minutes after the thing was inside to get it out. It was stuck inside. I panicked, which didn’t help with the pain or anxiety.

Today I find it hard to sit and I’ve had spasms of pain in my abdomen.  I have dealt with abdominal pains since college with no answers. Until today, I never realized that even if you are not doing insertions Vaginismus can still cause you pain.  The doctor informed me for the first time that the pain and area is connected to the muscles that are connected to this whole Vag.  For the first time ever, I finally can say I know what is causing my pain.  Most people probably don’t realize what this means to me.

For the past 7 years, I would go through pain that would leave me stuck to bed on steroids and in my abdomen. I would go from specialist to specialist with no answers. Today, I found out what that pain is.  It all makes sense, but until now I feel like others have confirmed it.  No more being sent to the hospital to have tests and have to fight insurance because a doctor or person at the desk screwed up the paperwork to get insurance to cover it.  No more suffering through tests that won’t help.

The other good news, that is if the PT in the area I’m calling tomorrow accepts my insurance. My Doctor told me I can give the name of the person and place and they will write a referral. I don’t have to schedule another appointment.  So while the woes is the pain. I guess I have one odd celebration (knowledge of what is causing pain) and the okay to set up this PT.  Let’s pray insurance covers it.

My doctor also gave me some muscle relaxants and I’m able to go back and get more if this helps :-D!! So while the pain right now is bad, and I’m sufferering.  I’m thinking there may be a light at the end of tunnel. 

In regards to pregnancy issues. I’ve joined the ttcwithvaginismus support group as recommended. Im learning about the “Turkey Baster Method” to pregancy, and weighing options. I was thinking about this because at the office, I go to pick up a magazine while waiting. My luck. The first two magazines I pick are pregancy magazines. I’m not yet pregant and I”m sure none of these women are doing it with vaginismus.  So I’m not going to look inside and feel depressed or reminded of my issues.  I chose not right now. 

Please pray that the PT and medication is the light at the correct tunnel.

{July 8, 2009}   Is this False Hope?

After falling off the bandwagon and a deep depression and frustration with lack of progress and biological clock running. I’m back on the bandwagon with the dilators.  I re-read the manual for Dilators on the Vaginismus Awareness website. For now the online group, various websites, and my own personal thoughts are the only thing guiding this whole process.  I have no physical therapist to say that maybe the reason I keep back tracking is because I’m trying to rush or doing something wrong.  It’s not because I haven’t thought of getting a PT. There is none in the area.  I got a phone call from the PT in an area 2 1/2 hours away whom was recommended to be my an individual on the online support group.

We have played phone tag.  The hours and days she works are the hours and days I’m at my job.  I didn’t tell the PT my reason for calling so she informed me to call back when a male PT is in to get information or wait til Tuesday.  I’m not sure I can call down and discuss my reasons for calling with a male.  I am not that comfortable discussing this with anyone.  But I can wait til Tuesday and maybe say that I have someone in the medical field helping me through this windy twisted and cumbersome road.

Is it a false hope to think that looking at the office hours, and saying Saturday looks like an option, that this may not work out? Please pray that this person could have the time and be covered by insurance to help me with my existing condition. 

After 2 1/2 weeks with 45 minute sessions with the dilators. I am back to dilator 3.  I am still feeling mild pain with dilator 3.  I can get it in, but not as fast as number two.  I wish I knew how far these dilators were suppose to go in.  I will continue and hopefully mabye have the opportunity to say that I am on Dilator 4.

I also joined a new support group for women trying to concieve.  My husband and I are definately wanting to have kids. The biggest question is if we will  inseminate in a manner other than intercourse. 

Well I will be researching and reading more.

{July 2, 2009}   Biological Clock Pounding

I’m preparing to celebrate my 27th birthday and I know there is still 3 more years til I celebrate my 30th.  But for my husband and I this was the milestone to start having children.  It has also been rough because it use to be only my inlaws asking, so when do you plan on starting a family. My parents have really been on the ball with this whole “you know if you want to have children, now is a good time as any”.  It doesn’t help with all the pictures of babies in wombs or new born pics on facebook.

About 95% of my married friends have had children.  Starting a family isn’t a competition or a race. It is about what is best for the individual.  The thing is we are ready.  The only problem is the vaginismus which is complicated with my past.  I’m starting to think the chances of obtaining a child the normal way is completely out the door.  My counselor says I need to be patient. That is easy for him to say when he doesn’t have these feelings and he’s not on some kind of emotional roller coaster.

I’ve dealt with the emotional roller coaster, but I’m experiencing a new low. If that is possible. Lately, I will see a baby or a mother and be expecting and think “I wish that was me.”  Or I will be reminded of  a discussion either with family members whom don’t understand and think they do, or a comment made by my husband.  We discussed invitrofertilization since my own Mom whose a nurse mentioned that. 

My husbands reaction was that my problem is taking the whole suprise factor out of having kids.  You know a lot of people say they are not actively trying, but if it happens it would be nice.  I’m thinking a lot of people use contraceptives and when they begin to be ready they stop the contraceptive.  It isn’t a suprise, it is more a suprise as to the time frame.  I don’t see how invitro would really take the suprise factor.  It would still be a suprise if it succeeded and a suprise on the number of children.  That is the only thing I’m wary of is the numbers game on that one.

I’ve heard of the syringe method which I don’t know all too much about.  I was able to wear a tampon for a short period of time, which is a big step. I owe a friend on facebook whom helped me to get to the point where I could go on a trip and use a tampon if the need arised. Which it did! It lasted the majority of the trip.   So I guess that is another option.  I’m just frustrated right now.

I feel like I’m in a capsule with millions of thoughts and words swinging around me.  I have the counselor saying it will take time due to the abuse and trauma you experienced. You need to be patient… My parents reminding me that if things don’t change on the intimacy front I could be really hurt.  When are you going to have children?…… Then my husband. I always imagined we’d be further along. Things haven’t worked the way that I thought they would or pictured. .. and my own biological clock is going…  I want to be a Mom.  I want to experience child birth.

Here is the ironic thing of all the things. While I want the experience of childbirth, I fear pregnancy.  I fear the giving birth part.  If something can’t fit inside me, how is it possible for the baby to exit the area.  Will it make my chances of curing Vaginismus impossible?    These are all things that I have concerns about.  What if I get pregant and I got through labor and I’m one of those girls that requires to be cut in the vaginal area because onto of muscle tightness, I have bones that are too close together.

These are all probably irrational fears and thoughts, but they run through my mind.  But those are minor thoughts compared to the deep depression and emotional rollercoaster I’m experiencing. I have been one whom has always kept her feelings inside.  For the most part crying in public for me is almost unheard of.  Not lately.  I’m the leaky faucet and it is embarrasing.  I need to figure out something fast because this emotional rollercoaster is getting to me.

{May 19, 2009}   The Dance of the Dilators

I had to title this dance of the dilators in response to a comment left on the blog, because it is a dance.  It is a dizzying and confusing dance that makes me tired and frustrated.  I am still trying to get the first dilator in.  I am seeing very little progress in that area, but I will admit work has my attention.  I often find that I go through stages.  I will attend to the Yahoo Support Group and website information on a daily basis. Good news will give me a swing to want me to fix my own problems. I will pull out my box of dilators and become determined to get myself in the right path.  I will make progress slowly, but progress and I will be thrilled.  Things may go well for a time and then I find something goes wrong.  Life becomes the leader in my progress and I find myself stepping backwards in the progress.  Then I become frustrated, and in the past that would have meant put the box back into the closet and sulk in some corner.

I’m not putting that box away now.  I am just going to have to go through this partner dance, until I have the lead again.

Recently I read a blog from another victim of Vaginismus.  I don’t know if victim is the right word, persay. Anywho, the individual was commenting about their research on Vaginismus.  According to their research, and well, I will say the research I have done is pretty conclusive.  Involvement with your sexual partner during the healing process is required for sucess.  This individual was venting as a result of not having anyone at the current moment to help in her matter. 

 I would love to say that having a spouse or partner doesn’t mean they will be active in the process. Mine avoids it at all costs. It’s like the plague.  Quite frankly I don’t blame him.  My mom says its due to the strict upbringing and belief that sex is disgusting. I’m not so certain of that. I have taken it that he blames himself for the situation, when ironically there is nothing he could have done to make this occur.

The problem is with me.   Try explaining that.  I have made some progress with dilators recently which is cause for celebration.  I think I celebrated a little too early.  I managed to get one of the dilators in (not moving) and not entirely inside without pain.  I tried again the next day and the first dilator wouldn’t go in without making me feel like my body was splitting.

I don’t know.  I told my Mom after it happened about the sucess and her response was of celebration.  The trueth is. This is the second time I’ve gotten the first in and then back slided.  She stated it was a sign of things to come. I know she meant a window to the possiblity of sex and maybe grandchildren.  For me, a sign of continual small celebrations to disappointment. I hope not.  I’m going to try again tonight with the vagisil.

et cetera