Buaslbutterfly’s Blog











{August 26, 2011}  

I’ve lost my mind and organization of my day to day schedule. I know I have another counseling appointment in a few days, but I don’t know if I scheduled PT same time or not. So now I’ve got to call my PT and verify when my next session is with them.
Since the one attempt not much has really happened. Right now with somethings going on in my life, I’m not relaxed enough and probably wouldn’t be able to relax even if I wanted to. I need a vacation from my mind. Oh wait I think I remember my husband saying he noted the PT appointment somewhere (maybe phone or maybe his Ipod). I may not have to call unless I scheduled them on the same day. Lets pray that this isn’t the case.

Internally I’m going through a wide range of motions. I keep trying to hide most. Being a mother, I can’t let my son see all that is going on. I don’t want him to see the pain, the fear, or anger that sometimes pops up inside of me. I have to at those moments, shove them deep inside. Recognize those emotions for what they are and then focus on my son.
When I am with him, that is when I relax. Not completele relaxation. Its amazing how a child can make you smile.



No real sucess. No real shocker. We both fell asleep. My problem is that with a child its really impossible to do anything during the day and in the evening we are usually finishing up small projects. So by the point that we can do anything we are exhausted. Unlike some girls that can hop in bed and do a little romance or what not and ready. Thats not me.

Embarrasing to say the least, it takes me over an hour to get somewhat in the mood.I say somewhat because I’ve never really had those feelings of wanting anything. I know it stems from my past. Thats why my husband usually says “Your body doesn’t want me!”. My mind, heart, and soul do if that counts for anything. It is these moments that I want to cry. Because I love my husband and I want to please him.

Then the other problem I have which is something that runs in my family. I have the “fall asleep” at any moment. I embarrassingly and hate to say this have fall asleep on the phone (not for lack of interest in what was being talked about or who), while on the computer, and in the evening when its dark. I have even fallen asleep at a play house during a show that I was enjoying.

So I’m battling the hour, tiredenss, and my body. My counselor says I really need to give myself 5 hours inorder to have sucess. Umh.. When do I get good 5 hours of waking hours. Not happening during the day.. and I do need sleep. So I guess I need to problem solve this.



{August 13, 2011}   Physical Therapy Appointment

My most recent session with the Physical Therapy went well. We went through a bunch of different muscle strengthing exercises. Here we go again with that weak left side. I’m lopsided, I’ve decided. It doesn’t change or get better. Lol.

We then moved to internal. Oh boy!! My favorite part. When inside the physical therapist asked the pain level. I think I said 3 or 4, but now that I think about it that was me lowering the pain number which isn’t great, but thats me. I was told to think of clouds. Which ironically thinking of clouds helped. Because the tightening and pain level went down. I had the choice of going up or to the left. I avoided my left side because that is where I usually experience excruciating pain. I figured that the PT would go that direction, but hey if I get the first choice I’m going north even though I knew it wasn’t completely pain free.

After a few minutes of reminders to loosen muscles (thinking of exercises) and we go again with the clouds, I got the best news I thought possible. My pelvic floor has created space (functionable space!!!) even more than prior to the pregnancy!! :)!!!! Yes!!
So my homework assignment is to think clouds and make an attempt with my husband. Now comes the tricky situation. I’m not to dissassociate and stay present. As the PTs fingers were inside, and talking about homework, I kept tensing up. The PT kept saying “You’re tightening up as I’m talking about having sex”. (I’m not trying to tense up.. It’s my bodies defense mechanism). So now I gotta fight body memories and dissociating (my mind) to hopefully have sucess.
So we shall see. I was happy to hear about the functionable space and muscles. I’m not done Physical Therapy, but its a positive big step!! This is such great news. I’m guessing my next step is too really find a sex therapist to help me deal with my bodies natural defense mechanism due to things that happened in my past. I almost wrote the word. But not quite comfortable and to a certain degree. I know I’ll hear this discussion another session. I still feel to a certain degree, even though I know I have been told it is not my fault. I feel responsible. There I put it into words about what I feel. I feel I’m responsible for my situation. I guess I know what my next counseling session will be about.



{August 10, 2011}   Counseling Session

I went into see my counselor the other day. We talked about things other than my past and my vaginismus. It was an interesting chat and one that I need to process more. But maybe I won’t spend my nights crying myself to sleep, which has become more of the pattern.

I don’t know why but the musical “Crazy for You” is going through my mind.
“..Stiff upper lip, chin up,….”

Well that is all I can say on that matter or care to express. I think.



I hear this often from the man I love and adore. I want him in everyway possible. It’s a comment and sometimes a small joke he states at frustration of the situation. Who can blame him? I pray that he continues to be as patient and understanding as I go through the process of healing. I pray that we continue to navigate this path together. He is my best friend and family.
I can’t explain why my body reacts the way it does when its touched.
The trial homework from todays session was swapping nonsexual touch with a touch that I can handle. The hard thing is I usually don’t know that the touch is going to send me down the wrong path, til it happens. I don’t exactly control or plan on having any kind of reaction. I said I would try. I’m not sure how this will help him. For instance, if he comes up for a hug and I’m in one of those positions and I say “Why not hold my hand for a minute?” What if that sends me down the wrong path, probably a bad example, but wouldn’t that hurt him more.
I’m lost at this whole thing. I want nothing more than to have a normal relationship. Instead, I’m fighting body memories. Luckly for me, my husband while he does demonstrate some frustrations with his comment. He has been understanding and loving. I pray that we can find a person to help guide us in the department.
I’ve never had an orgasm. When we do things, I have trouble getting wet. My body reacts at simple touches. Other than language and words and my efforts to get to my goal. I understand where the comment “Your body doesn’t want me to come from.” I feel for him. I really do.



{July 23, 2011}   Sex Therapy Session 1

My husband and I went to an appointment, but not with a certified sex therapist. It turns out that the location we live in, makes it hard to find a certified sex therapist. Instead, there are some therapists whom will be somewhat comfortable about talking about sex. This is according to the individual we spoke to. I want to do more research, but its a start. The first question was so “What is the state of your sex life?”
Easy but not easy answer. Um not existant. Let’s see my problems. I have vaginismus along with body memories. I have issues with intimacy, which doesn’t make things easy.
As my husband described it, things like a hug, a simple kiss, and a back rub sometimes get rejected by the body memories. I dont say things and I try to hide them, but its out of my control. This makes me feel like such a terrible person. It makes me feel different. I know its from what happened when I was younger, but its a battle I’m fighting.
This individual stated that they are referring us to another person. So we shall wait til he talks to this counselor before preceding. My sister knows of a good therapist in Bucks County who does specialize in Vaginismus, but I’m hoping not to add another therapist in a far distance range. One therapist that distance is enough.



{July 18, 2011}   Why do I do this to myself?

After a physical therapy session of fitting tightly one finger, I stupidly pushed myself with my husband to try for sex. He managed to painfully get inside of me. The pain was at an 8 or 9 and when all was said and done, I spent an hour in the tub trying to calm my muscles below. Why do I do that? Actually I should know from counseling. While I don’t understand it, I guess it goes with my whole past. Some people would run from the pain, I guess because at an early age I experienced pain, I figure that this is what life is about. So I push on.
I need to stop pushing or I could damage my ability to get to the point where my body feels its okay to relax. I could really shoot myself for being so stupid. I guess hearing my husband voice quietly “I want to be inside you!” was the incentive I needed to push myself. The worse part is, I feel bad about the fact that the burning pain caused me to be in the bathtub.
My husband says that I shouldn’t feel like a baby, but I do. A little bit of blood from the event and a lot of burning and I’m pretty much stuck in the tub. Some people when they experience what they might label a 7-8 pain would be calling the doctor or going to the hospital. Not me. Its deal with it in the bathtub and count the hours til my body decides that enough time has passed to calm down.
It isn’t like I can really call a doctor. My doctors office doesn’t know much about my condition. A gyn would just say “It’s going to take time.” There isn’t really any kind of medication or ointment I can put down there. I guess I could apply ice, but its not exactly able to be placed inside. So I just have to sit it out. Maybe this was my wake up call to take things slowly and not push myself.
I guess I know what my next counseling session will be talking about.



{July 15, 2011}   My past and Touch

In order for me to get past the vaginismus, I have to desentise or get myself comfortable with touching myself and others touching me. I’m not saying having others touch me in any area. But I need to be able to be comfortable with an arm around me or a back rub. To be honest, I freak out,when someone touches me. My freaking out isn’t usually verbal or really visual. Its more of an internal stress to the body. I usually tense up and breathe shallow, scared that the other person will be able to tell that my body is acting irrational.
The homework assignment of self-soothing is back on the plate. I’m not as comfortable with this assignment, but I guess I understand the concept. How can I be okay with someone else touching me if I can’t even trust myself and be comfortable with that. I’ve been told not to push myself.
That isn’t me. I’ve never been one to baby things. If I have a pain in an area, I sit there and mess with it to try to rid the pain or do something to fix the problem.
But after careful consideration, I realize that this probably has a lot to do with my past. Life began with a painful circumstance. My need to push past pain and continue on is probably because I feel that this is what life is painful. My past has probably made me just accept pain as something that is to be tolerated and treat it like its to be ignored.
So my goal is to go slow. Maybe I’ll have a better experience with learning how to relax and be able to let others touch me in a non-sexual manner without having body memories attacks that send me into a physical meltdown.



et cetera