Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

I would love to write, I had pain free sex. Yeah! That would be like the ultimate post. But I’ll take what I can get! He was at least able to enter me, but not without pain level. I would rate the pain at a 6. With my body memories and intimacy issues, combined with well the fact that it was painful, the thoughts of clouds just kind of went.
I did try the pillows and the other suggestions. They seemed to help to at least allow entrance. The last attempt it was the wall. While some would probably say I should of stopped, that isn’t me. Plus I wanted to give a gift to my husband. So I pushed myself. My personal goals in our future attempts is to really focus on the relaxation strategies and on those muscles. This is where I sometimes think botox might be an option for me. Especially since my bodies natural defense mechanism is to tighten up. But I am making progress again. Assuming I don’t get pregnant, which is reduced by the condoms and by well breastfeeding. I may have a chance at working on the pain levels. We shall see. I’m hoping that pushing it doesn’t cause the wall, but we shall see. This process always seems a little bit like a back and forth kind of motion.


No real sucess. No real shocker. We both fell asleep. My problem is that with a child its really impossible to do anything during the day and in the evening we are usually finishing up small projects. So by the point that we can do anything we are exhausted. Unlike some girls that can hop in bed and do a little romance or what not and ready. Thats not me.

Embarrasing to say the least, it takes me over an hour to get somewhat in the mood.I say somewhat because I’ve never really had those feelings of wanting anything. I know it stems from my past. Thats why my husband usually says “Your body doesn’t want me!”. My mind, heart, and soul do if that counts for anything. It is these moments that I want to cry. Because I love my husband and I want to please him.

Then the other problem I have which is something that runs in my family. I have the “fall asleep” at any moment. I embarrassingly and hate to say this have fall asleep on the phone (not for lack of interest in what was being talked about or who), while on the computer, and in the evening when its dark. I have even fallen asleep at a play house during a show that I was enjoying.

So I’m battling the hour, tiredenss, and my body. My counselor says I really need to give myself 5 hours inorder to have sucess. Umh.. When do I get good 5 hours of waking hours. Not happening during the day.. and I do need sleep. So I guess I need to problem solve this.

I hear this often from the man I love and adore. I want him in everyway possible. It’s a comment and sometimes a small joke he states at frustration of the situation. Who can blame him? I pray that he continues to be as patient and understanding as I go through the process of healing. I pray that we continue to navigate this path together. He is my best friend and family.
I can’t explain why my body reacts the way it does when its touched.
The trial homework from todays session was swapping nonsexual touch with a touch that I can handle. The hard thing is I usually don’t know that the touch is going to send me down the wrong path, til it happens. I don’t exactly control or plan on having any kind of reaction. I said I would try. I’m not sure how this will help him. For instance, if he comes up for a hug and I’m in one of those positions and I say “Why not hold my hand for a minute?” What if that sends me down the wrong path, probably a bad example, but wouldn’t that hurt him more.
I’m lost at this whole thing. I want nothing more than to have a normal relationship. Instead, I’m fighting body memories. Luckly for me, my husband while he does demonstrate some frustrations with his comment. He has been understanding and loving. I pray that we can find a person to help guide us in the department.
I’ve never had an orgasm. When we do things, I have trouble getting wet. My body reacts at simple touches. Other than language and words and my efforts to get to my goal. I understand where the comment “Your body doesn’t want me to come from.” I feel for him. I really do.

{July 15, 2011}   My past and Touch

In order for me to get past the vaginismus, I have to desentise or get myself comfortable with touching myself and others touching me. I’m not saying having others touch me in any area. But I need to be able to be comfortable with an arm around me or a back rub. To be honest, I freak out,when someone touches me. My freaking out isn’t usually verbal or really visual. Its more of an internal stress to the body. I usually tense up and breathe shallow, scared that the other person will be able to tell that my body is acting irrational.
The homework assignment of self-soothing is back on the plate. I’m not as comfortable with this assignment, but I guess I understand the concept. How can I be okay with someone else touching me if I can’t even trust myself and be comfortable with that. I’ve been told not to push myself.
That isn’t me. I’ve never been one to baby things. If I have a pain in an area, I sit there and mess with it to try to rid the pain or do something to fix the problem.
But after careful consideration, I realize that this probably has a lot to do with my past. Life began with a painful circumstance. My need to push past pain and continue on is probably because I feel that this is what life is painful. My past has probably made me just accept pain as something that is to be tolerated and treat it like its to be ignored.
So my goal is to go slow. Maybe I’ll have a better experience with learning how to relax and be able to let others touch me in a non-sexual manner without having body memories attacks that send me into a physical meltdown.

I went to my physical therapist today. I was nervous because of the internal. The therapist did a evaluation of posture and breathing. When you breathe from your ribs, your ribs should move out to about 90 degrees and 2 centimeters (at least). I was at a 1/2 centimeter which means that the area in the pelvic floor wasn’t going to be able to have space. I also wasn’t at 90 degrees which I didn’t quite understand, but I know that the therapist knows.

The clinician started by doing an excercise that went down the side of my stomach. It was to work on the large intenstines. It was there that my legs began to squirm because when people touch me, I do show some response. Sometimes its noticeable and other times its not. I actually didn’t think it was that noticeable but I guess being a professional the therapist knows what to look for. The individual only asked why I was moving down below.

I was given a few muscle stretches, and breathing excercises. The therapist stated that there wasn’t going to be any internal until I have the breathing mastered. The clinician also said that I might consider going for Sex Therapy. This is because when someone touches me I’m tensing up and my body memories are causing me to clench up which means that I would have problems relaxing to allow for intercourse.

So it is back to square one. I’ve got my homework cut out for me. But I know that I need to do the homework or I will not make progress. The therapist said its going to take time, but that they feel that I can use my mental skills to compensate for what my body wants to fight due to things with my past. The therapist said it could be a few years before my body really begins to feel like its got nothing to be afraid of, however, I could use my mind to overpower and with given time be able to fight my bodies natural defenses.

  My husband and I had a sucess in the bedroom again.  This is the celebration.  There was a little bit of discomfort and no real pleasure, but a sucess.  The first attempt was awkward in that I was faced away and while it was a sucess, I really had to fight body memories and so it even more amazing that there was sucess. Like I said previously, we didn’t exactly plan it, it just kind of happened. 

This morning we made another attempt with me on top, which was a sucess.  The other day we tried this same position and had a not so sucessful experience, but today we had sucess.  This was good to know that we could do it this way. This felt a bit normal position and I prefered this to what originally worked.  We still have no sucess with the missionary position. Isn’t that suppose to be the easiest and most basic position?

My frustration comes that we hit the wall every time. I freeze, my body memories are the worst and when we are in that position, my mind and body are on the verge of breaking from my body. It feels like some psychotic break.  My husband doesn’t understand the whole body memory thing. The counselor tried to explain it, but I understand its not exactly something most people experience.

Will I never be able to have sex like this?  Will there always be that block?  I know part of its connected or a lot of it connects to issues with my past.  And as a result of my past, the body memories, the pelvic floor muscles begin their dance, but I wish I could put a halt on their movements. I guess I should be happy with the sucess (and I am) but I guess I kind of was hoping that I could say that the positions that seem the most basic and prevalent were doable.

I have to remind myself one step at a time.  It is so difficult at times. I seem so close to a complete cure but I’m still working on it. My counselor says I’m hard on myself in general. I guess so, but if I’m not hard on myself and holding myself accountable for myself, who will be there.   

But the celebration today is the fact that I had another sucessful event. While there was an unsucessful event with two positions, I’ve still maintained the ability to have intercourse. And I think maybe the discomfort was even less than before.

I just felt like sharing.  And with any luck maybe I might be pregnant, I doubt it will be easy like that, but there is always hope.

{November 3, 2009}   Efforts on Counseling Homework

My counselor and I have discussed my inability or lack of intimacy in the relationship.  There has been some improvement since the last session, but no feeling of pleasure connected with intercourse. The improvement is having a success at getting past the wall.  He then asked me if  I masturbated.

I never have masturbated. It’s not a religious thing or a belief thing, but never have really been comfortable down there. This vaginismus has forced me to become more knowledgable about the muscles in the region.  I have also looked at pictures of vaginas and the various parts.   I have had my husband look at parts to compare my vagina to ones on pictures on a link provided by the Vaginismus Support Group. If my memory serves me correct, I was thinking I might have an abnormal hymen.  I know some have looked at themselves down below. I have not done that. 

The thing is I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror.  I avoid it like the plague.  I haven’t played with myself, so I don’t know how to pleasure myself. So my homework for the next three weeks is to masturbate.  I tried a little today. My fevers down and  I had time today to try since I took off due to my temperature being up last night.  I found pain it felt raw and uncomfortable.  I didn’t experience pleasure or relaxation and felt awkward.  This is my first attempt.  I even did the wikipedia research recommended by my counselor. 

Um not sure how that helped, but I guess maybe its because I’m so tired and maybe I need to try another day.  Well I am going back to sleep.  I feel so exhuasted

Well a lot has been  happening.  I’m still doing the muscles stretching and posture exercises given by my physical therapist. I actually have been doing more bi-weekly sessions and things seem to be moving. For anyone whom is new to vaginismus, let me say that having a physical therapist makes all the difference.   You learn more about yourself, your body, and you will find that the process will move quicker. I’m not completely cured, but compared to how I felt a year ago. I felt like I was a hopeless case. 4 years with nothing to show for anything. 

Now I think I can try to  wear a tampon during my next monthly visitor for the whole day.  I’m going to try to not use pads.  This is pretty big.  I am also scheduling a gyn visit to see how that goes.  I have not had a sucess gyn visit.  Not that I look forward to being in a vulnerable position, but to see if I can manage a sucessful papsmear.  This would be huge, since it has been impossible.  Sex is still an issue, but a lot of that stems from my past.

It is that fear of being hurt again, even though I trust my husband and don’t look at him as a threat. It is my body that my mind has to convince.  I’ve continued the counseling and have been making that  more of a focus.  So not much new to report.  My hope is that I can be cured before the new years.  It is a hope, but as the counselor said, a lot of damage took place when I was younger.  Damage that I blame myself for.  But we’re not going into those issues. I just need to realize that healing takes time.

I have my physical therapist to thank. I had a physical therapy appointment and I can say that I had a few moments of 1 discomfort, but for the most part it was a 0.   I felt the pulling and stretching with her fingers inside, but no pain.  I was really proud of myself because at times I’ve tightened up and have had problems due to body memories. I was even amazed because when she went to do the insertion I was not completely relaxed, but there was still no pain with entrance.  I’m pondering if I should try to schedule a GYN visit. 

I have never had a sucessful GYN visit.  The fact that she can do internal stretches and work, and experiencing such minimal pain, maybe it is worth a check.  I was thinking of getting out my dilators.  I haven’t used them since I started physical therapy.  This was upon recommendation of the physical therapist.  She hasn’t said about checking, but I’m curious what number I could get in there. I have a total of 7 dilators from memories.  I would be curious as to what I would find. 

I have my physical therapist to owe.  I understand that there wouldn’t be absolutely no pain for intercouse. I knew that when we made the attempt. I also know that I still am experiencing pelvic muscle clamping and pain as a result of the tightening.  But I know that most likely my next biggest loop is the counseling I’m doing.  I am not stopping physical therapy, but I know that my past is what I need to deal with.  I need to face the body memories head on. 

I had divereted some of my attention to the physcial therapy because two reasons. I wanted to be able to feel like I could have a normal marriage or somewhat normal of a marriage.  But I think it was also easier than dealing with what has happened in my past. I find it hard to talk and I need to do that.  I need to start focusing my work on that, because if I don’t I might not make any more progress with my vaginismus.

My pelvic floor muscles are kicking my butt for this weekends event.  I’m slightly frustrated about this, but I knew and was told to expect that it wasn’t going to be the no pain sex that is my goal.  Hell for me, insertion of any kind was a goal in itself.

I have to remember I fought body memories, an inability to have penetration of any kind, and pain.  I managed to get through the body memories mess, and penetration occured.  So I guess a few days of suffering is worth the fact that I can say “hey I managed to live through it”. It still makes it hard.  I’ve tried the muscle relaxants. They work to a degree, but not enough.

It doesn’t help the fact that the individual whom ultimatley put me where I am today tried to connect with me on facebook. Why the hell would I want to connect with this person?  My fear is that other family members will give out other info like “where I live”. That is an ultimate fear I have.

This was discovered this week. Is it bad enough he haunts my dreams every night?  When I first got the friend request, there was no name attached. It flips me to a page with the 1 friend request, and the name and photo of the individual. There were those eyes.  I couldn’t move.  My husband took the computer and shut it away.  He later blocked him from friend requests or connections, but to me it was too late.  It’s not his fault and I’m not trying to make it sound like it was. For me seeing his eyes and the memories, and all the work I’ve done in counseling.  My fears and not feeling safe, started to tear at the seam.  Slightly shaky on the security thing, but proud of what I accomplished.

et cetera