Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{July 24, 2012}   A small vent

I am going to vent about something that didn’t happen to me but to a friend with Vaginismus. Today this indiviual informed me that they had decided to share with a church group.  Her husband and her attend a church and are active in the individual study groups.  The wife of one of the pastors happens to lead one of the groups that my friend is a part of.  She told me that she got the encouragment to ask for prayers and support as she enters physical therapy with her husband. 

She thought that having more prayers wouldn’t hurt.  The woman that ran this group, decided to be cruel and uncalled for.  She told my friend that there are a few things that might be why her husband and her are having problems:

a) she has sinned and it is a punishment for some action she hasn’t come forward with.

b)  This is God’s way of letting her know that she is never meant to marry. Let her husband go and be happy.

c) that she’s lying because she just wants people’s attention.

And no matter what, she didn’t care to have her study group bombarded with such a ridiculous prayer. Now I asked, did she say this in front of the rest of the girls. She said “No, it happened after everyone left.” I got asked to stay for a small conversation. 

The only thing I can think is.. Wow!! How completely against my faith and belief is what the individual’s views on Vaginismus are.  I just felt this was handled so poorly. I told her that sometimes unfortunately that sometimes the people that should lead with the Lord in their heart. Aren’t always at the their best or really meant to lead.  Some people need to learn when its better to put their foot in their mouth. That wife’s pastor might think about that. Because if it does happen to her. I wonder what she’s going to do.

Is she going to start a million day repent.. Trust me.. There was a time where I wondered if my past with my foster cousins caused it.. No amount of asking forgiveness and trying to figure out what I could have done different or if there was something else changed the circumstance. I now know better. It isn’t a punishment its a real condition.

Is she going to tell her husband to go find another wife? If she ends up with a secondary form of it.. I doubt it. She could say that is what she would do, but i doubt it.

Sorry had to vent. It was hard to see someone hurt soo much.  It took her a while to get to the point she is now. I was friends with her first. Her husband came to me after my physical therapist spoke to him. He asked me to talk to her about my past.  I felt that it took a lot to speak in person about my experience. I also felt like I was gaining control of the condition.

The condition no longer defines me. Yes I have Vaginismus. To all those like that wife:

We are not broken. We are not liars seeking attention.  We are capable of having good relaionships with a man. The physical may be an issue, but there is a lot more to a relationship than sex.  We didnt’ get this from a sin. go look in the medical book. Do your research?


{July 3, 2012}   An update

Still having problems with anal fissures.  However, not as severe as they were in November.  The PT, has me working on different stretches.  That combined with working on a dietary plan of action.  I’m combating this monster.   Right now the anal fissures are not noticeable. This is such a huge difference from 8 months ago when I would be hurting all day and dreading to have to go the bathroom (especially number 2) and knowing I couldn’t avoid it. Yes, there was a period that I felt freaked out and panicked.  Coming home from a trip to see family in Virginia, and having to stop at a mall for a rest stop, brought one of the most embarassingly painful memories.

Most people get a sensation that says “hey I’ve gotta find the bathroom”. Due to my muscles, I felt like I had to use the restrooms, and then felt a pain with movement.  I managed to make it to the bathroom, and then the dreaded pain that was attached with said process, made me want to cry in public. I apparently bit my lip hard enough from trying to hold in the pain (which I managed), but not without cutting my lower lip with teeth.

I hope to never experience those days again.

et cetera