Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{August 26, 2011}  

I’ve lost my mind and organization of my day to day schedule. I know I have another counseling appointment in a few days, but I don’t know if I scheduled PT same time or not. So now I’ve got to call my PT and verify when my next session is with them.
Since the one attempt not much has really happened. Right now with somethings going on in my life, I’m not relaxed enough and probably wouldn’t be able to relax even if I wanted to. I need a vacation from my mind. Oh wait I think I remember my husband saying he noted the PT appointment somewhere (maybe phone or maybe his Ipod). I may not have to call unless I scheduled them on the same day. Lets pray that this isn’t the case.

Internally I’m going through a wide range of motions. I keep trying to hide most. Being a mother, I can’t let my son see all that is going on. I don’t want him to see the pain, the fear, or anger that sometimes pops up inside of me. I have to at those moments, shove them deep inside. Recognize those emotions for what they are and then focus on my son.
When I am with him, that is when I relax. Not completele relaxation. Its amazing how a child can make you smile.


My life hasn’t been the easiest but I think everyone deals with various things. What is difficult to one person is nothing to the next person? You can’t compare people’s lives. So why bother trying. Growing up I use to be picked on, bullied, and beat up by other students. I was always taught to be nice and not do anything back. Probably because of my past but because my parents taught me that. It wasn’t really sucessful, but hey I didn’t lose my integrity and I became stronger as a result.
My saving grace in middle school, was I would visualize Jesus walking next to me. I use to have conversations with him. My faith that God was with me, was the reason I internalized his presence in the room with me. My faith hasn’t swaggered away from him. He is my comfort, my guide, my father.
Something happened that has put me in a place that well I never have been or would have expected to be in. Its a sticky situation. With prayer and with his guidance I will make it through. Every path has its bumps and I’m sitting on that right now. Waiting to see what direction I’m to take.
Alls I know is to be honest and to be as honest as possible. With being honest and with my faith in God, and with family support, I know that I will get through. But the thought that came to me was.

I know my life could get crazier, so I’m not going to think its at the worst possible point in life. But as always God is right beside me. I just need to keep that nestled right in my mind.

I know this isn’t vaginismus related or it doesn’t really address my last counseling session and I’m being vague about what is going on, but I have my reasons.

{August 20, 2011}   When do you try another step?

This was a question a friend of mine said. We were talking about ways of combating vaginismus (ie dilators, botox, sex therapy, and physical therapy). There is also centers like the Womens Therapy Center in New York City.
I don’t know the answer to the question. I know the WTC claim that for mostwomen they can do a two week therapy to a cure. So I guess you would definately know there when a new method was necessary.

The thing with dilators and physical therapy, these take time. It’s not an overnight situation. I said that for example, when I started physical therapy, I had some uncertainities. However, I figured give it a year. well I noticed improvements within that year. I think jumping quickly or to fast can limit your ability to see if you ware where you need to be.
Right now, the right place to be is physical therapy.

If in a year, I don’t feel like it is getting me to my next step. Which is a little less than a year actually. Don’t know what.

I would love to write, I had pain free sex. Yeah! That would be like the ultimate post. But I’ll take what I can get! He was at least able to enter me, but not without pain level. I would rate the pain at a 6. With my body memories and intimacy issues, combined with well the fact that it was painful, the thoughts of clouds just kind of went.
I did try the pillows and the other suggestions. They seemed to help to at least allow entrance. The last attempt it was the wall. While some would probably say I should of stopped, that isn’t me. Plus I wanted to give a gift to my husband. So I pushed myself. My personal goals in our future attempts is to really focus on the relaxation strategies and on those muscles. This is where I sometimes think botox might be an option for me. Especially since my bodies natural defense mechanism is to tighten up. But I am making progress again. Assuming I don’t get pregnant, which is reduced by the condoms and by well breastfeeding. I may have a chance at working on the pain levels. We shall see. I’m hoping that pushing it doesn’t cause the wall, but we shall see. This process always seems a little bit like a back and forth kind of motion.

{August 16, 2011}   A silly question

I guess I shouldn’t feel silly asking the questioning about position (even with the (I guess its called) missionary position), if there is a proper and improper way. I don’t mean proper and improper, but is there one that makes the muscles in the pelvic floor tighten more or less. I don’t know if I make sense or not. I don’t know why I feel silly going into detail. Hey this individual has been dealing with my most private problem and they are there to help with that condition. Why should I feel silly? Is it really that ridiculous of a question?
Why is it that I can ask some questions and then when it comes to actually talking about it? I go quiet. Part of the homework is to describe the experience. Wow. That’s where I have trouble. Lucky for me my husband is going along and he can help me field the answer to that question.
I guess its a comfort level with myself, my condition, and the topic.

No real sucess. No real shocker. We both fell asleep. My problem is that with a child its really impossible to do anything during the day and in the evening we are usually finishing up small projects. So by the point that we can do anything we are exhausted. Unlike some girls that can hop in bed and do a little romance or what not and ready. Thats not me.

Embarrasing to say the least, it takes me over an hour to get somewhat in the mood.I say somewhat because I’ve never really had those feelings of wanting anything. I know it stems from my past. Thats why my husband usually says “Your body doesn’t want me!”. My mind, heart, and soul do if that counts for anything. It is these moments that I want to cry. Because I love my husband and I want to please him.

Then the other problem I have which is something that runs in my family. I have the “fall asleep” at any moment. I embarrassingly and hate to say this have fall asleep on the phone (not for lack of interest in what was being talked about or who), while on the computer, and in the evening when its dark. I have even fallen asleep at a play house during a show that I was enjoying.

So I’m battling the hour, tiredenss, and my body. My counselor says I really need to give myself 5 hours inorder to have sucess. Umh.. When do I get good 5 hours of waking hours. Not happening during the day.. and I do need sleep. So I guess I need to problem solve this.

{August 13, 2011}   Physical Therapy Appointment

My most recent session with the Physical Therapy went well. We went through a bunch of different muscle strengthing exercises. Here we go again with that weak left side. I’m lopsided, I’ve decided. It doesn’t change or get better. Lol.

We then moved to internal. Oh boy!! My favorite part. When inside the physical therapist asked the pain level. I think I said 3 or 4, but now that I think about it that was me lowering the pain number which isn’t great, but thats me. I was told to think of clouds. Which ironically thinking of clouds helped. Because the tightening and pain level went down. I had the choice of going up or to the left. I avoided my left side because that is where I usually experience excruciating pain. I figured that the PT would go that direction, but hey if I get the first choice I’m going north even though I knew it wasn’t completely pain free.

After a few minutes of reminders to loosen muscles (thinking of exercises) and we go again with the clouds, I got the best news I thought possible. My pelvic floor has created space (functionable space!!!) even more than prior to the pregnancy!! :)!!!! Yes!!
So my homework assignment is to think clouds and make an attempt with my husband. Now comes the tricky situation. I’m not to dissassociate and stay present. As the PTs fingers were inside, and talking about homework, I kept tensing up. The PT kept saying “You’re tightening up as I’m talking about having sex”. (I’m not trying to tense up.. It’s my bodies defense mechanism). So now I gotta fight body memories and dissociating (my mind) to hopefully have sucess.
So we shall see. I was happy to hear about the functionable space and muscles. I’m not done Physical Therapy, but its a positive big step!! This is such great news. I’m guessing my next step is too really find a sex therapist to help me deal with my bodies natural defense mechanism due to things that happened in my past. I almost wrote the word. But not quite comfortable and to a certain degree. I know I’ll hear this discussion another session. I still feel to a certain degree, even though I know I have been told it is not my fault. I feel responsible. There I put it into words about what I feel. I feel I’m responsible for my situation. I guess I know what my next counseling session will be about.

{August 12, 2011}   A suprise friend

I spent time with someone I knew from school. I visited with them for a little bit of time. An interesting conversation was initiated by them. This visit proved to be a suprising gift because now I feel like I have someone that I know and someone whom shares something that most people don’t know anything about. This individual also has vaginismus. This was a suprise because I didn’t know that I knew anyone personally with my condition. Most of my friends with vaginismus are e-mail/facebook friends. So it was like a gift that was needed.

{August 10, 2011}   Counseling Session

I went into see my counselor the other day. We talked about things other than my past and my vaginismus. It was an interesting chat and one that I need to process more. But maybe I won’t spend my nights crying myself to sleep, which has become more of the pattern.

I don’t know why but the musical “Crazy for You” is going through my mind.
“..Stiff upper lip, chin up,….”

Well that is all I can say on that matter or care to express. I think.

Everyone has stresses and various things they have to deal with Vaginismus. For some it can be various relationship issues, finacial issues, living situation issues, other health issues. These all impact us in various ways. I find that with making progress with Vaginismus, the times I’ve have made steps in the right direction is when I was motivated. Doing the homework routinely, and attending appointments, and relaxing.

Lately, physical therapy and time for myself and my needs have gone to the back door. Emotionally I’m just stressed. When I get that alone minute to do my homework, my other stresses in life have pushed my ability to relax right out the door. I can’t focus on the assignment at hand. I find myself too stressed about another issue that really defeats the point of doing the homework. This has been a near recent occurance.

Without all the other stresses in life, I think I would be able to put the focus I need. I keep trying to tell my husband that the physical therapy is important to me.. As much as it is to him. Its just that right now my head is too overflowing with problems. I need to downshift some of the other problems so I can put my mind back in the direction of making the necessary changes.

So my goal this week is to put some of the other stresses on the back burner so I can deal with my homework in a more relaxed manner. Wish me luck on that! I could use some prayers right now.

et cetera