Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

Actually got a second call today about the ultrasound. Apparently I did have a cyst on one of my ovaries, but since the pain level was down today and no spotting, I asked if it was something that needed to be addressed or wait and sit it out. I said that since there was no bleeding and pain was down, if it might just go away.
Good news. Nothing more unless symptoms persist. I’m thrilled with that, however, I was informed that they really didn’t get as good of a look and the doc said there was note about a possible something in the fallopian tubes. Not sure if its something or not. Hey, if the pain is down and the bleeding is gone. That’s really all my concern. They couldn’t do a vaginal even with an attempt. I just need to pray that the symptoms don’t increase or come back.
So it was a cheery bit of news.


{July 28, 2011}   Results of the Ultrasound

Incunclusive. Without having an internal examination of an ultrasound, it was difficult for them to get an accurate picture. So I’m waiting for the doctor to return from brake to decide what if any is the next step. I will say the bleeding has stopped. Thankfully! Like I said it wasn’t lot and constant. Just spotting. That was what triggered the phone call. I get lots of pains due to my pelvic floor condition, it was the pain and bleeding that said “hmm.” Especially since I just got done having a period.
The pain level is down to a 3-4, which for me is managable with over the counter medication. So I’m not sure what the bleeding was, but I have a feeling the pain was just my pelvic floor.

The frustrating aspect with the whole appointment process was scheduling. The doctor that ordered the ultrasound, had spoken to me over the phone during after hours. He specifically gave me a number to the scheduling place and said to call them to set up an appointment. So when I called, they kind of hasseled me because I didn’t have the doctor’s order on me. How could I when most places send doctors orders electronically.

Other than that, it was okay. The lab technician asked if there was any way an internal could get done. Only because I know of how tight it is down there and the discomfort I was already in, did I say no. There is an update on what took place yesterday.

Monday I started to feel a stabbing pain on my right side while I was at work. Unfortunately with pelvic floor pain its often hard for me to say “I am in pain” because that is almost a daily state, its just leveling the pain. It was bad enough that another individual noticed me holding my side. So I just figured, run of the mill pelvic floor pain, not too horrible, but up there.
Then today, the pain started to feel somewhat crampy like, by tonight, I’m noticing spotting and the pain escalated. Since, my husband and I while painfully had some sucess, and there is a chance of a pregnancy, I’m wondering is it a miscarriage. Breastfeeding certainly diminishes pregnancy from happening. Is it possible that there was sucess, but I lost the pregnancy. Is it my pelvic floor and I should just ignore?
The pain got bad enough I called the doctor to see what I could safetly take. I’m thinking if its not Pelvic floor it has to be Miscarriage. Not that I’m an expert. I’m not. I don’t even claim to know that area of the body. But to me I figure, its nothing medically seriously wrong. Since the regular pain killers weren’t working I figured maybe that something safe for breastfeeding could be prescribed. When I called, the doctor felt that while it could be miscarriage, based on the symptoms, he’s leaning toward a cyst on the ovaries.
So I don’t know. He also increased the amount of over the counter medication I can take. So tomorrow. I’ll be hauling my butt at some point for an ultrasound. If its a miscarriage, can that actually be seen or known? I know that if there is a cyst that can be viewed. The pelvic floor won’t be seen there. So I’m prepared for the “nothing can be seen” and awaiting for some goose chase. Sorry.
I just figure its one of two things and I’m not a doctor. Its probably cocky to say it can’t be the cyst on the ovaries or worse. I just feel strongly because I feel like I have been down this road with the pain. If there had been no bleeding, I would have just toughed it out. The slight bleeding made me think miscarriage. Since the pain was esclating, I was hoping to find out what I could safetly take since breastfeeding limits my abilities to take muscle relaxants.
I will be praying that there will be no cyst on the ovaries or something else. I really don’t think. I really want a year where ultrasounds and tests are not run. Since I figured out what the pelvic floor pain is, I’ve kind of have avoided really dealing with doctors. I just ride it out with all kinds of different things. The pain and the knowledge that it could be a miscarriage and the level of pain sent me to calling the doctors.
Oh well. I guess I am in for the long haul.
It didn’t help that today was very stressful for various reasons. The only good thing is that this guy seemed to know that giving me an internal ultrasound would really set my pelvic floor muscles into action, so he’s only doing an external one. He said with my weight it shouldn’t cause any problems. So I guess that is one victory thing out of all the things going on right now.

I hear this often from the man I love and adore. I want him in everyway possible. It’s a comment and sometimes a small joke he states at frustration of the situation. Who can blame him? I pray that he continues to be as patient and understanding as I go through the process of healing. I pray that we continue to navigate this path together. He is my best friend and family.
I can’t explain why my body reacts the way it does when its touched.
The trial homework from todays session was swapping nonsexual touch with a touch that I can handle. The hard thing is I usually don’t know that the touch is going to send me down the wrong path, til it happens. I don’t exactly control or plan on having any kind of reaction. I said I would try. I’m not sure how this will help him. For instance, if he comes up for a hug and I’m in one of those positions and I say “Why not hold my hand for a minute?” What if that sends me down the wrong path, probably a bad example, but wouldn’t that hurt him more.
I’m lost at this whole thing. I want nothing more than to have a normal relationship. Instead, I’m fighting body memories. Luckly for me, my husband while he does demonstrate some frustrations with his comment. He has been understanding and loving. I pray that we can find a person to help guide us in the department.
I’ve never had an orgasm. When we do things, I have trouble getting wet. My body reacts at simple touches. Other than language and words and my efforts to get to my goal. I understand where the comment “Your body doesn’t want me to come from.” I feel for him. I really do.

{July 23, 2011}   Sex Therapy Session 1

My husband and I went to an appointment, but not with a certified sex therapist. It turns out that the location we live in, makes it hard to find a certified sex therapist. Instead, there are some therapists whom will be somewhat comfortable about talking about sex. This is according to the individual we spoke to. I want to do more research, but its a start. The first question was so “What is the state of your sex life?”
Easy but not easy answer. Um not existant. Let’s see my problems. I have vaginismus along with body memories. I have issues with intimacy, which doesn’t make things easy.
As my husband described it, things like a hug, a simple kiss, and a back rub sometimes get rejected by the body memories. I dont say things and I try to hide them, but its out of my control. This makes me feel like such a terrible person. It makes me feel different. I know its from what happened when I was younger, but its a battle I’m fighting.
This individual stated that they are referring us to another person. So we shall wait til he talks to this counselor before preceding. My sister knows of a good therapist in Bucks County who does specialize in Vaginismus, but I’m hoping not to add another therapist in a far distance range. One therapist that distance is enough.

{July 18, 2011}   Why do I do this to myself?

After a physical therapy session of fitting tightly one finger, I stupidly pushed myself with my husband to try for sex. He managed to painfully get inside of me. The pain was at an 8 or 9 and when all was said and done, I spent an hour in the tub trying to calm my muscles below. Why do I do that? Actually I should know from counseling. While I don’t understand it, I guess it goes with my whole past. Some people would run from the pain, I guess because at an early age I experienced pain, I figure that this is what life is about. So I push on.
I need to stop pushing or I could damage my ability to get to the point where my body feels its okay to relax. I could really shoot myself for being so stupid. I guess hearing my husband voice quietly “I want to be inside you!” was the incentive I needed to push myself. The worse part is, I feel bad about the fact that the burning pain caused me to be in the bathtub.
My husband says that I shouldn’t feel like a baby, but I do. A little bit of blood from the event and a lot of burning and I’m pretty much stuck in the tub. Some people when they experience what they might label a 7-8 pain would be calling the doctor or going to the hospital. Not me. Its deal with it in the bathtub and count the hours til my body decides that enough time has passed to calm down.
It isn’t like I can really call a doctor. My doctors office doesn’t know much about my condition. A gyn would just say “It’s going to take time.” There isn’t really any kind of medication or ointment I can put down there. I guess I could apply ice, but its not exactly able to be placed inside. So I just have to sit it out. Maybe this was my wake up call to take things slowly and not push myself.
I guess I know what my next counseling session will be talking about.

{July 17, 2011}   Botox

I saw a member on one of the support groups say that they had success with Botox. I am not sure about the whole “Botox injections.” Part of me thinks, it might be worth checking into and the other part of me has all these questions and concerns.
Like is there a risk for Botox, since you are sticking chemicals into the body. How about feeling of any kind? How long has Botox been used for this condition? Is this the kind of thing where the individual has a period of sucess and then has to pay for the procedure again? Is Botox something that works for an individual who has a past and has body memories?
Every once in a while, I think here is that “pill-like” cure that I’ve been dreaming of.
I think like my counselor said, keep with the direction I’m going. Just think about it and research the procedure. If things don’t show progress within 6 months, start down another alley.

{July 17, 2011}   Physical Therapy Session

I went for physical therapy. I have some new stretches to work on. I’m realizing that my left side is weaker than my right side. The physical therapist decided to do internal work. I feel like a big baby.The PT managed to get their one finger inside me for stretching after some time. It was amazing to notice that most of the pain and burning seemed to connect more to the left than right. Although the further inside the finger went, the harder it was to say that the pain wasn’t all over the place. The burning pain was very evident and the pain was a level 3.

This is the challenge I find. My son has been having issues with reflux, which we didn’t know until yesterday. That explains the crying while eating. So getting him to nap and be at peace without being comforted has been difficult. It has also been cleaning up spit up that smells like vomit that he projectiles across the floor. That was the signal that we needed to see the doctor. Then there is the pumping for the days I’m working. It is a battle to find a minute to myself, but I have managed. I think I did pretty good because I found 15 minutes during the beginning of naps to do the Physical Therapy. If he was crying, which unfortunately is usually the case, I let him cry inside the crib to see if he’ll go to sleep. He usually falls asleep 3-5 minutes later, but not always.
Considering all that has been going on, missing one day isn’t bad. My reflection of the exercises that when I’m on my right side and stretching my left, it just seems like I have more resistance and not as much ability to rotate like I do when I’m on my right side. I’ve also been working on my breathing. I wasn’t able to measure myself as I down own a measuring tape. Maybe I’ll pick up one up the next time I am at a store.

{July 15, 2011}   My past and Touch

In order for me to get past the vaginismus, I have to desentise or get myself comfortable with touching myself and others touching me. I’m not saying having others touch me in any area. But I need to be able to be comfortable with an arm around me or a back rub. To be honest, I freak out,when someone touches me. My freaking out isn’t usually verbal or really visual. Its more of an internal stress to the body. I usually tense up and breathe shallow, scared that the other person will be able to tell that my body is acting irrational.
The homework assignment of self-soothing is back on the plate. I’m not as comfortable with this assignment, but I guess I understand the concept. How can I be okay with someone else touching me if I can’t even trust myself and be comfortable with that. I’ve been told not to push myself.
That isn’t me. I’ve never been one to baby things. If I have a pain in an area, I sit there and mess with it to try to rid the pain or do something to fix the problem.
But after careful consideration, I realize that this probably has a lot to do with my past. Life began with a painful circumstance. My need to push past pain and continue on is probably because I feel that this is what life is painful. My past has probably made me just accept pain as something that is to be tolerated and treat it like its to be ignored.
So my goal is to go slow. Maybe I’ll have a better experience with learning how to relax and be able to let others touch me in a non-sexual manner without having body memories attacks that send me into a physical meltdown.

et cetera