Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{November 30, 2009}   Vaginismus and Trying to Concieve

I had a physical therapy appointment this past weekend. I asked if I should have concerns about problems with pregnancy and my pelvic floor muscles. She told me that I should be looking to find a doctor whom would know about my condition, and someone whom would be willing to do a c-section. I wasn’t thinking of going the c-section route, but she told me what could happen if a c-section did not occur. I will be happy to have kids of my own, but I kind of had hoped that a c-section would be more of an emergency thing as opposed, to going about the whole process without thinking natural birth.
So now I have to share my story in person with another person.

One might think. She can write this stuff online, she is pretty open. I think its easier because you don’t see your audience and I chose what details to share. Whereas when your infront of another human being. They are right there and as you share your wondering what they are thinking. In reality I shouldn’t care what they think about my husband or I. So the phone and I will be using my free Monday to connect with someone for consult.

I have also learned about the importance of taking Folic Acid and prenatal vitamins. I have benefited from a family member whom needed a fertitly specialists support due to fibroids. So I have to up my sexual life to every other day. My husband and I still don’t have sex on any kind of regular basis. The past experience was okay until my husband moved my leg a certain way, which changed the direction he was pushing and caused excruiating pain. I felt bad screaming out loud, but the pain was sooo bad. I just asked that he talk to me when he wants to do things.

I wish I could say I could just hop into bed and everything was moving exactly like they show in the movies. It takes me a long time to be ready and then it it takes a long time just to relax. So for me the whole thing is a process. That is frustrating, but its nice to think that I’m at the point I am now. So my next path in this journey of healing is adding on trying to have a baby.


{November 22, 2009}   Pelvic Floor Muscles and Vaginismus

After a long week of paperwork and work stress, I realize why I’ve been nauseated, tired, and probably having constant muscle spasms. Like someone commented on here previously its the stress. I believe I remember the PT mentioning this before, but sometimes a little reminder and a little reality check doesn’t hurt. We have made additional attempts. The pain on average is a 1 or 2. Our past attempt was at a 1.
I’m not sure if I should be worried, but I had a little blood (spotting) after doing it with my husband. The other thing is there is external pain. I thought that I had put enough lubricant on, but I guess I may not have. I don’t think this will change my progress. I think I need to be careful not to let myself get to anxious. This is easier said than done.
It doesn’t help that I’m in a hospital as I wait my sister’s new babies arrival. The chairs are not soft and I have been here for hours.
Being the hour that it is.. the sentences and spelling may or may not be coherent.

Every week I try to find something small to say hey, I’m making progress. I’m not sure if I will always have the pelvic floor contracting when I’m stressed or if the continued physical therapy and homework will give me enough that eventually I won’t have to deal with the physical pain from stress.

I have pondered whether or not Botox would assist with this or not.

{November 18, 2009}   A Day Full of Muscle Spasms

I have no idea what set off the muscles today.  They are a roaring and I couldn’t sit at all.  I have been taking muscle relaxants and doing my exercises when I got the chance.  If anyone has found a thing that gets the muscles to stop spasming, let me know.  I could understand if I tried anything this morning or last night, but I honestly haven’t done anything since Sunday. Just plain too busy.

{November 16, 2009}   A Thank-you card to Vaginismus

It is the month to be thankful. For many years I’ve felt frustration, anger, depression and sadness of having Vaginismus. I’m not saying I’m completely over those things, but I think most of us forget really what a gift it can be.

Vaginismus often because society puts the stigmatism to sex and its importance in a relationship that it often seems and feels like the death card.  I don’t think many of us show the respect to our bodies as we should.  Having Vaginismus isn’t the death card.  I want to thank my muscles because it let gave me the opportunity to know the value of the marriage I’m in.

I have some male friends whom at times have confided me that while they enjoy the sex they are not happy with the marriage and are interested in another individual.  So obviously sex problems (while can create discourse as I have experienced) it isn’t what severs the ties between a couple.  My body also prevented me from possibly getting in the wrong relationship and having sex with a lot of guys. My Vaginismus pushed me to find a man whom wanted more out of the relationship.

I think a lot of us put the emphasis on that “it” makes us less females and “it” prevents us from being able to find a date or relationship.  As opposed to realizing that if a guy is going to leave you or not take interest in you because you have Vaginismus that they aren’t worth the time.  It creates a road block from seeing that in reality our vaginismus is like a gift.  It means our bodies care so much for us and in a sense deserve respect.

So thank you for having respect for me.  I also think the Vaginismus at the end of the day has brought my husband and I closer than if I didn’t have Vaginismus. Because if you are married, Vaginismus isn’t just a woman’s problem. It is a problem that both husband and wife have to suffer.  Vaginismus affect men differently, but they still suffer as a result.

I am not saying that there isn’t a part of me that wishes I never had to experience Vaginismus. I wished that I didn’t suffer the pain or have the problems I do.  I am just saying that sometimes you can find things to be thank-ful and you can find a positive to even the most difficult and private problems. 

What I am most thankful this year is that I have found the correct path.  For any women out there whom has spent years or just recently found out. I want you to know that there are many of us out there with the problem.  It has taken me 4 1/2 years to have intercourse with my husband.  I haven’t experienced no pain with sex, but that day will be here. I’m just thankful that I have found sucess and that I’m on the road to recovery.  Never lose hope. It is easier said than done.


{November 15, 2009}   Sucess with Missionary

Yesterday my dear husband and I made another attempt. We are hoping to get pregnant.  From the books I’ve read, the missionary position is the method that increases odds of conception.  Plus, I just wanted to be able to say that a traditional position and a position that is suppose to allow for more intimacy wasn’t creating the wall.  I could understand if I was trying some of those positions that you hear from word of mouth that requires flexibility and practice.

It took us 3 hours, but we did it.  It took a lot of breathing and I found that if he gave me control with guiding that there was more sucess.  As I breathed and got more comfortable, I told him to slowly lift up and slowly lower and eventually when I felt like he was in the whole way with a level of 1-2 discomfort, I was able to release control.  I had to stop a few times with the body memories, but it felt great to get past the wall that has been there.

Now with any hopes we can start a family.  I’m continuing the physical therapy.  My Pelvic floor muscles seem to be in a constant state of contracting.  So my next goal is to get to the point where I’m not dealing with the pain from the contracting muscles or tight pelvic floor.

  My husband and I had a sucess in the bedroom again.  This is the celebration.  There was a little bit of discomfort and no real pleasure, but a sucess.  The first attempt was awkward in that I was faced away and while it was a sucess, I really had to fight body memories and so it even more amazing that there was sucess. Like I said previously, we didn’t exactly plan it, it just kind of happened. 

This morning we made another attempt with me on top, which was a sucess.  The other day we tried this same position and had a not so sucessful experience, but today we had sucess.  This was good to know that we could do it this way. This felt a bit normal position and I prefered this to what originally worked.  We still have no sucess with the missionary position. Isn’t that suppose to be the easiest and most basic position?

My frustration comes that we hit the wall every time. I freeze, my body memories are the worst and when we are in that position, my mind and body are on the verge of breaking from my body. It feels like some psychotic break.  My husband doesn’t understand the whole body memory thing. The counselor tried to explain it, but I understand its not exactly something most people experience.

Will I never be able to have sex like this?  Will there always be that block?  I know part of its connected or a lot of it connects to issues with my past.  And as a result of my past, the body memories, the pelvic floor muscles begin their dance, but I wish I could put a halt on their movements. I guess I should be happy with the sucess (and I am) but I guess I kind of was hoping that I could say that the positions that seem the most basic and prevalent were doable.

I have to remind myself one step at a time.  It is so difficult at times. I seem so close to a complete cure but I’m still working on it. My counselor says I’m hard on myself in general. I guess so, but if I’m not hard on myself and holding myself accountable for myself, who will be there.   

But the celebration today is the fact that I had another sucessful event. While there was an unsucessful event with two positions, I’ve still maintained the ability to have intercourse. And I think maybe the discomfort was even less than before.

I just felt like sharing.  And with any luck maybe I might be pregnant, I doubt it will be easy like that, but there is always hope.

After careful reflection, I have compared the painful events where there was partial sucess and the one sucess episode.  When I was given the homework assignment by my Physical therapist to attempt at sex for informative purpose, I know I was told that I needed to be in the mood and that I had to be relaxed.  I think having the homework assignment and feeling like it was important to get data, may have made it be more difficult to relax and be in the mood so to speak.

It is funny.  Well not funny, but the irony is I thought I wanted it.  I desired to be normal.  I guess normal isn’t the right word, but I desired the physical intimacy that a lot of married couples experiences.  I wanted to see progress, even if it meant suffering a low level pain.  I think I put so much stress and emphasis that I made for a more painful situation.

I’ve learned from that mistake. Although I say I’ve learned, I can’t control my body because sometimes the natural desire and interest can sometimes not match.  You can sometimes fool yourself into thinking that your in the mood and not realize that there are other things that impede it, but I have a better understanding that if something isn’t sucessful does not mean immediate regression. 

This was something I was reflecting because in one of the support groups I’m in this discussion came about.  I think soo many times with the natural difficulties and blockks to a natural healthy sex life, and using of tampons. Many of us jump on “there goes my pelvic muscles” or I’ve regressed as opposed to thinking about our current state of mind.  Especially with individuals with vaginismus, the natural need for foreplay and being in the mood is soo important.

You have to have sex when you desire it and not when others want you to have it.  If there is pressure from your partner and your not in the mood, it may result in a painful or unsucess.  I have learned to be more open about really where I am mentally in the process. 

I’m over the swine flu, and while I want to make another attempt with my husband, I’m not going to run to bed until I know that I’m ready and in the mood. I want it to be sucessful. That doesn’t mean I’m going to wait weeks, but I want to make sure that when I make another attempt I have the time to put into the process.

I do hope that someday that I can have what people call “quickies” or maybe that really doesn’t exist. Right now my goal is to have continued progress in the bedroom and to eventually get to the point where I can enjoy myself in the bedroom.  I hope that this isn’t an unrealistic goal or dream.

{November 6, 2009}   Searching for a GYN

    Since the flu has left me to the couch with access to a phone, computer, and television. I’ve had time to search the area for GYN’s.  I’ve made phone calls because I  want to find someone whom knows something about vaginismus and my problems.  I have been unsucessful. I guess it shouldn’t suprise me. I have to travel to another area to get physical therapy services.  It really is sad that more GYNs are not specialized or knowledgable about these kinds of problem.

I’m not doing what I did in college.  I’ve learned more about the problem. I’ve learned to develop more respect for myself and knowing my needs.  I’ve learned I’m not a freak, but just someone whom has special needs. I’ve learned that my body has a self defense system, but if respected will allow for things.  I’ve learned that I am strong.  So I’m not going to a doctor to treat me less than I deserve to be treated. So for that reason, I’ve spent a lot of time searching for the right person.

If your brand new to vaginismus, be respectful to yourself. Don’t allow a professional to treat you like your not worth their time. That your a baby or anything.   A professional wouldn’t behave that.  A truely skilled and wonderful GYN will support you in your adventure to sucess and will be willing to sit and talk with you first.   A good site to check out is vaginismusawareness network.


{November 3, 2009}   Efforts on Counseling Homework

My counselor and I have discussed my inability or lack of intimacy in the relationship.  There has been some improvement since the last session, but no feeling of pleasure connected with intercourse. The improvement is having a success at getting past the wall.  He then asked me if  I masturbated.

I never have masturbated. It’s not a religious thing or a belief thing, but never have really been comfortable down there. This vaginismus has forced me to become more knowledgable about the muscles in the region.  I have also looked at pictures of vaginas and the various parts.   I have had my husband look at parts to compare my vagina to ones on pictures on a link provided by the Vaginismus Support Group. If my memory serves me correct, I was thinking I might have an abnormal hymen.  I know some have looked at themselves down below. I have not done that. 

The thing is I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror.  I avoid it like the plague.  I haven’t played with myself, so I don’t know how to pleasure myself. So my homework for the next three weeks is to masturbate.  I tried a little today. My fevers down and  I had time today to try since I took off due to my temperature being up last night.  I found pain it felt raw and uncomfortable.  I didn’t experience pleasure or relaxation and felt awkward.  This is my first attempt.  I even did the wikipedia research recommended by my counselor. 

Um not sure how that helped, but I guess maybe its because I’m so tired and maybe I need to try another day.  Well I am going back to sleep.  I feel so exhuasted

{November 3, 2009}   A small bump in the road

I’ve had the swine flu which has been a bit of a bump on the road.  I have missed some work due to having a temperature of 102.5 on average daily. I’m hoping that I don’t have to call off work on Wednesday, but a lot will depend on how my body gets over the flu. 

I was kind of hoping to see how a second attempt would go, but it will have to wait til sunnier days.

et cetera