Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{October 31, 2009}   Getting past the wall

My husband and I were able to have intercourse. Unfortunately, I wasn’t feeling well, but we did it.  He was rolling me over to the other side of the bed, when he began to play down there.  I was a bit nervous, but I waited to see what would happen.  It was at a level 2-3 pain with the insertion.  It was quick because he was so excited he went, but we did it.  I hope that if I do get pregnant,that having the flu (which I found out later was why I wasn’t feeling top notch) doesn’t hurt the infant.

The most amazing part of the whole thing is he led.  I did my breathing and I managed to push through some body memories that came.  I noticed a few tiny dots of blood on the tissue when I wiped below after.  I also noticed some pain with the muscles with peeing, which is probably connected to the straining to go potty.  I am not sure what was so different this time than all the other times.

I would have expected with how I was feeling that sucess would have taken a lot more work.  I hope that means we will have sucess in other positions and again.  We shall wait and see.  But I had to share. I’m sorry if I got graphic on others, but this is a huge deal.  I’m so elated.  I just wish how I was feeling inside matched the sensation inside connected to the sucess. 

It has been 4 1/2 years of failure in the bedroom and for the first time we did it. I didn’t have control of how hard or with the insertion.  While I’m certain there is still road to travel, this is the best sensation and feeling in the world.  We’ve hit the wall for so long, that I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever get to this point.  If you have vaginismus and just found out. Know there is help.

For me dilators wasn’t the thing that got me to where I am now. In fact for me I spent years in tears with them because I would keep getting the first out of seven only to regress. A knowldgeable physical therapist recommended by a member on the Vaginismus Support Group has gotten me to this point in 3 months.  Imagine if I found this person earlier.  I wish I had known, what I know now.  Vaginismus is curable.  I am still on the journey and hope some day to enjoy the sex, but being able to have insertion with very minimal discomfort is a huge step.

I also recommend finding a friend you can trust to encourage you. Someone whom has it and knows what your going through. I found someone on facebook and together we have pushed one another to continue the therapy.


I went for another appointment with the physical therapist.  She asked how the “long term goal” is coming and it was the typical “still pain response”.   Today’s internal portion of the exam was a bit more painful at the entrance.  This was different than the previous three visits.  It was slightly frustating, but I’m assuming its due to the wearing of tampons.  I learned a bit more about the muscles in the pelvic floor.  The area that is causing all the pain is a muscle that is acting up.  She told me to pull up my belly button and then hold for a second and then relaxed.  I will give it a try. She tried to explain me the reason for this, but I totally forgot.  But I will give it a try. 

I have an appointment the next three to four weekends.  I’m hoping there might be a chance that I could say “I’m cured” by Christmas, but I know that there is more than Vaginismus that I am working on.  But I’m thankful for the progress that has been made.

{October 19, 2009}   Tampon Frustrations

So I made the choice to go without pads for this menstrual cycle.  Something I would never have thought doing in the months or even years past.  I felt slightly frustrated on Sunday when I had a baby shower, that when I changed my pad. I discovered that the insertion was painful. I ended going to scavengar hunt for  a bag of pads because I was in so much discomfort. Upon trying to remove, it felt like it was stuck.  I pulled it out with a level 3 pain. I broke down crying in a restroom of a place I was hosting a baby shower. 

I later inserted another tampon with more sucess. I’m still getting discomfort with tampons.  I am not sure what to think.  I know that I’m further than before.  I’m pondering if I should take a break with the tampons due to the pain to let the area heal and rest or if continuing down the path I’m on is the right choice.  My husband says that he read on the whole dilator manual (when I was using them) that you shouldn’t persist if something hurts.  Then there is a part of me that says I should push myself. 

I guess I will need to ask the PT her thoughts this weekend.

Well a lot has been  happening.  I’m still doing the muscles stretching and posture exercises given by my physical therapist. I actually have been doing more bi-weekly sessions and things seem to be moving. For anyone whom is new to vaginismus, let me say that having a physical therapist makes all the difference.   You learn more about yourself, your body, and you will find that the process will move quicker. I’m not completely cured, but compared to how I felt a year ago. I felt like I was a hopeless case. 4 years with nothing to show for anything. 

Now I think I can try to  wear a tampon during my next monthly visitor for the whole day.  I’m going to try to not use pads.  This is pretty big.  I am also scheduling a gyn visit to see how that goes.  I have not had a sucess gyn visit.  Not that I look forward to being in a vulnerable position, but to see if I can manage a sucessful papsmear.  This would be huge, since it has been impossible.  Sex is still an issue, but a lot of that stems from my past.

It is that fear of being hurt again, even though I trust my husband and don’t look at him as a threat. It is my body that my mind has to convince.  I’ve continued the counseling and have been making that  more of a focus.  So not much new to report.  My hope is that I can be cured before the new years.  It is a hope, but as the counselor said, a lot of damage took place when I was younger.  Damage that I blame myself for.  But we’re not going into those issues. I just need to realize that healing takes time.

{October 11, 2009}   Hypnotherapy

My therapist mentioned using hypnosis to get me to deal with what happened when I was a child.   I’m a bit of a skeptic on the whole hpynosis.  I am curious if there are others whom have gone through that and found sucess. I really don’t want to be doing counseling for the rest of my life.  I would like to get to a point where I don’t experience body memories.  So if anyone happens to have gone through this and found sucess, please share.

I have my physical therapist to thank. I had a physical therapy appointment and I can say that I had a few moments of 1 discomfort, but for the most part it was a 0.   I felt the pulling and stretching with her fingers inside, but no pain.  I was really proud of myself because at times I’ve tightened up and have had problems due to body memories. I was even amazed because when she went to do the insertion I was not completely relaxed, but there was still no pain with entrance.  I’m pondering if I should try to schedule a GYN visit. 

I have never had a sucessful GYN visit.  The fact that she can do internal stretches and work, and experiencing such minimal pain, maybe it is worth a check.  I was thinking of getting out my dilators.  I haven’t used them since I started physical therapy.  This was upon recommendation of the physical therapist.  She hasn’t said about checking, but I’m curious what number I could get in there. I have a total of 7 dilators from memories.  I would be curious as to what I would find. 

I have my physical therapist to owe.  I understand that there wouldn’t be absolutely no pain for intercouse. I knew that when we made the attempt. I also know that I still am experiencing pelvic muscle clamping and pain as a result of the tightening.  But I know that most likely my next biggest loop is the counseling I’m doing.  I am not stopping physical therapy, but I know that my past is what I need to deal with.  I need to face the body memories head on. 

I had divereted some of my attention to the physcial therapy because two reasons. I wanted to be able to feel like I could have a normal marriage or somewhat normal of a marriage.  But I think it was also easier than dealing with what has happened in my past. I find it hard to talk and I need to do that.  I need to start focusing my work on that, because if I don’t I might not make any more progress with my vaginismus.

{October 6, 2009}   Irony

For the past year and a half, my husband and I have been wanting children and feeling like sex was just not a possibility.  I find it ironic, I’m the closest to a cure and for the first time have been thinking of having kids.  I realized the other day, that after listening to my sister who is a nurse in the labor and delivery unit at a hospital that I also have a fear of child birth.  I truely believe it is connected with the vaginismus.

So my vaginismus has created a new fear that was not present prior to marriage.  My husband and I were debating about making an attempt by December.  I want to experience the whole pregnancy and delivery but I fear something majorly going wrong.  Some might say “well many women have given birth”  It is what your body is made for.  Hmm.. That area is made to support life, but also for reproduction.  And right now, the reproduction process is a struggle.

I typed into google fear of childbirth and got this term. “Tacophobia”.  I think it is kind of interesting that the prefix “taco” stands for childbirth.  Don’t know why I find that humorous.  I also typed into google vaginismus and didn’t get anything helpful. At least the group ttcwithvaginismus was helpful.  This is another group on yahoo, and as the name implies it is for women trying to concieve.  When I joined we were going to start right away.  We are doing it in the near future.

I’m kind of glad we are going to wait til December to see how the progress is. Because maybe we could have a sucess prior to December.  He is also currently looking into getting tested to check his fertilaty ability.  It is scary to think that ontop of the whole Vag issue, and getting over that, that there could be more wrong that would prevent childbirth.

Let’s hope that this is no the case.  I think I can attach the word “worry wart”.  The what ifs and the maybes would kill me.  I guess I just got to understand “what will happen will happen.”.

{October 4, 2009}   Another Physical Therapy Session

I mentioned the other pain and asked the question my counselor had me wanted to ask. She said knowing the rating of pain and where pain was being felt was important to the continuation of progress.  I’m not so certain about that.  My husband would like to try to go at it again, but I don’t think that would be a good idea.  I experienced excruciating pain and at one point typical paink killers did not work.  The thing that helped me get past that emotional (did I follow the correct advice of my physical therapists) was reminding myself the progress that I have made.  Also, remembering the advice of my counselor in dealing with the past.  Life isn’t always about the easy way out. 

I found that entrance of the vagina during the internal stretching with the physical therapist didn’t hurt as much. Infact, I felt nothing when the therapist put the finger inside.  However, inside was at a level 4 to 5 pain with a burning that would just never end.  For me the excruitiating external pain I had experienced from the Sunday previously had dissipated.  It wasn’t raw and feeling swollen.  I don’t think I would have been able to have an internal if it had been Monday or Tuesday.  Well hopefully the pain inside will go away and be non-existent.

The thing I have to ponder is, if the PT asks me to go for another attempt for an assessment piece before there is no signs of pain.  My husband wants to attempt for a child. Would this be making progress in the area of Vaginismus more difficult or should we just go for it at that time? I’m not ready yet.  After last weekends rough road, I can’t do another.   Not yet.

I did discover something interestng about my body. She did an exercise where she had me lay on my back with my knees bent. She had my arms up in the air and hands together. She touched the one side and asked me to push and move to the one side.  My right side was able to move the legs, arms, and waists at the same time.  My left side I could move my top and legs together but my abdomen and hips, struggled with.  She thinks that as a result of the abdomen pain from my pelvic floor being really tight and spasming, I just have kind of forgot about those muscles.    So I’m suppose to work on that.

{October 2, 2009}   Pain levels and counseling

The external pain that has been a real annoyance is at a 1. My pelvic floor muscles have been working overtime, but there has been improvement there to.  I went to see my counselor, whom questioned the jump from nothing to what happened on Sunday.   I’ve pondered that one too, but I trust the PT.  I know that I experienced pain, but maybe being able to give informational feedback will help. 

 It goes against everything I’ve read though.  If you experience pain, stop because you don’t want your body to memorize that, but she hasn’t used the dilators.  Her process is very different.  I tried the dilators and kept having back and forth progress between the first and second dilator.  I was able to wear a tampon for 3 1/2 hours during my last period.  That has to account for something.

So I have got to trust my gut.  I was also thinking and pondering a center up in New York.  I made a post on a group that I’m sure is connected to this center.  I’ve sort of have gotten a feeling it’s like an advertisement to this center, but oh well. Places do need to get their name out there, although I think this place is well known by many with Vaginismus.

I’ve been bouncing back and forth about calling. I’ve called in the past and was told that due to my past I couldn’t be a candidate for the 2 week program. That would be all I would be able to afford or possibly afford.  Welll when I made a couple of posts about a month back on my dealing with my inability to have kids or my fears of never having kids. I got an e-mail to call them.  I told them I had and said what they told me. The person basically said, call and we can try to rethink this.

So now my husband and I are in a debate.  I would like to call, but he thinks that its not the right idea. He wants to wait the PT out. Which I can do.  I posted recently on the website at some strange hour, a question about or a recommendation on dealing with the pain. Ironically I got deleted and blocked from the group. I know because my husband basically told me the groups still up. Hey it helped me with   a decision about my therapy. I’m sticking with the PT.   If asking about pain and recommendations on dealing with it after post sex is inappropriate on a vaginismus group. I have no clue where else I can ask. 

I told my counselor about that. He said forget the group, which is done and forget ever calling that person. Done.  I don’t need a rush job getting done. Besides I heard its expensive.  Not in the budget.

et cetera