Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

My pelvic floor muscles are kicking my butt for this weekends event.  I’m slightly frustrated about this, but I knew and was told to expect that it wasn’t going to be the no pain sex that is my goal.  Hell for me, insertion of any kind was a goal in itself.

I have to remember I fought body memories, an inability to have penetration of any kind, and pain.  I managed to get through the body memories mess, and penetration occured.  So I guess a few days of suffering is worth the fact that I can say “hey I managed to live through it”. It still makes it hard.  I’ve tried the muscle relaxants. They work to a degree, but not enough.

It doesn’t help the fact that the individual whom ultimatley put me where I am today tried to connect with me on facebook. Why the hell would I want to connect with this person?  My fear is that other family members will give out other info like “where I live”. That is an ultimate fear I have.

This was discovered this week. Is it bad enough he haunts my dreams every night?  When I first got the friend request, there was no name attached. It flips me to a page with the 1 friend request, and the name and photo of the individual. There were those eyes.  I couldn’t move.  My husband took the computer and shut it away.  He later blocked him from friend requests or connections, but to me it was too late.  It’s not his fault and I’m not trying to make it sound like it was. For me seeing his eyes and the memories, and all the work I’ve done in counseling.  My fears and not feeling safe, started to tear at the seam.  Slightly shaky on the security thing, but proud of what I accomplished.


{September 27, 2009}   Feeling better

I feel well rested now and feel like I can put everything that took place into perspective.  I let myself think that “tampon story sucess”, “finger insertion” meant an automatic or most likely sucess on the whole sex ordeal.  Yes, we managed a little  insertion and this is a triumph that hasn’t been a real sucess for us.  I’m in soo much physical discomfort now.  I am in enough pain that if the pain remains into the next day, I am thinking I may not go into work. No I need to go into work.

I still feel frustrated that on top of body memories I have to sit there and mess with the whole Vaginismus issue.  I guess I can say I’m proud of myself for pushing through all that.  I think my deepest depression was in how I wanted so desperately to have a sucess story.  I wanted to think that maybe I was over the whole ordeal, but I have to be realistic.  The therapy sessions are proving to be sucessful but I am still on the path to recovery.  No I am not healed but I have my physical therapist to thank.

Before I met my therapist I was trying to do dilators by myself and having no sucess. Now I’m not using the dilators and I feel like I’ve seen more sucess.  My husband is talking about maybe starting the attempt for kids even though sex isn’t complete or without pain.  I have mixed feelings on this. I kind of want to be over my problems when we try to have kids.  Especially since I don’t know what Vaginismus and having tight pelvic floor muscles does to a woman in labor.

I just need to hope that I can sleep off the pain and maybe find that the pain doesn’t stay with me for as long.  I did notice some bleeding, which I’m thinking might be a concern.  I know some might say about the hymen breaking, but I don’t think this would be the hymen.  I can’t worry about it or I will be sick.    I just need to stay positive.

September sucesses: wearing a tampon (not in water-slim) for 3 1/2 hours while at work, my husband putting his finger inside me with level 4 pain, and him inserting only the head.

I think these are big things.  They may seem stupid to a reader whom doesn’t know anything about vaginismus or vaginal pain, but I do believe that for those whom have vaginal pain with intercourse, problems with inserting tampons, or gyn visits would understand the accomplishment this is.

{September 27, 2009}   Notes for myself to give to the PT

I had a 5-6 pain with only the head, this was after an hour first attempt of hitting the wall.  I also had the feeling of uncomfort of going a number 2.  Post sex, pains 6.  I didn’t take advil since I had alchol in my system.

{September 27, 2009}   Back on the Horse so to speak

After the first failed attempt and self pity (or whatever you might call it), I managed to get my focus on the movie. “The Wedding Planner” a cute romantic comedy.  I drank some white russian, with the hopes to get myself to relax.  I decided that I was going to try to relax and just enjoy his company. If things moved back into the stages of going at it again, I would give it a shot. If it didn’t happen that night, there was still another day.  After looking at my title of Back on the Horse so to speak, I’m thinking I probably should change it, but I’m lazy.  It’s a metaphor and not with sexual conotations, although one could put it there if they wanted to.  I don’t really care.

After the movie was over, I felt like I wanted to give it a try.  This is really embarrasing, but here is the trueth. I actually googled “How to insert a penis”.  Yep, ladies and gentleman, I am that lame.  Nothing I read, seemed anything different. Although there was the recommendation, of him putting his finger inside me first and then inserting afterwards.  But it did read after that, that this was to help for if you wanted a tighter fit.  So I ignored that.  I just decided I would let him try to insert.

It didn’t work so well that way, but we did manage to get a little bit of the head inside.  The pain level was at 5-6. I am not sure but when inside the portion that was inside, it at times felt like I needed to go do a number 2 (kind of discomfort).  I am not thinking this is right and I’m not sure why I was having this problem, but it was very uncomfortable.  I guess I need to figure out what length of the penis actually goes inside.  This probably sounds like a stupid question.  Maybe what we got in is all that does go in and maybe not.

Wow I really probably sound like an idiot and a babbling idiot. I appologize for grossing anyone out.

{September 27, 2009}   Failing Sex Once Again

I feel like a big failure.  Sex has always been this big mystery.  I’m frustrated at myself. I let my hopes get up.  When my husband inserted his finger with minimal pain, which didn’t happen in the past and when I managed to get a tampon on I thought I was on the home stretch. Instead, it was like we couldn’t find the hole.  It was like we kept hitting a wall and the more we tried. The more distraught and frustated I became. As opposed to a romantic night with a sucessful ending with minimal pain, it became the night like so many nights.  A familiar feeling of anger and disappointment and anguish. 

I posted on the Vaginismus Support group for ideas on positions. Is it possible that on top of tight muscles,I am just a complete idiot and freak? What if there is something more wrong with me?  I need to get out of this depressed mode and concentrate on the movie that my husband put on. I’m hoping that maybe I can change the outcome of the night, but I am thinking retrying at this point may make matters worse.

He has been very supportive.  He told me I was I in control. When his finger was inside, he checked my pain level and asked if it was okay.  I’m glad to know I have a supportive husband.

{September 23, 2009}   Vaginismus and The Tampon Struggle

I’m 27 years old and I finally can say I wore a tampon (with very minimal discomfort and able to walk around outside water).  I’m so happy ::victory dance:: Okay. Anyone reading this whom doesn’t have Vaginimus is like “um Okay.. you’re weird”. Maybe I am weird, but I got a tampon inside me with a 1 or 2 pain level. I wore it into work and outside water.  I did this twice. Yesterday I only had it in for 1 hour and 1/2.  Then today, I had it in for 3  1/2 hours. 

I never pictured getting to where I am today.  It isn’t that I have never been introduced to tampons. My mom, a nurse, introduced them to me when I was younger. Not to mention their in magazines, bathroom stalls, and are commonly known about.  My mom couldn’t understand why I had such trouble with tampons.  Half the time I couldn’t get them in and if I managed to force one inside I collapsed due to the pain and fainted half the time.

I began to lose interest in swimming activities and pretend to be too cool for getting in the water during my time of the month because it meant having to worry about tampons.  After repeated failures and frustrations with tampons, I eventually gave up on them.  Believe it or not, some women live without insertion of tampons.  While I wore them twice, I don’t plan on wearing them on any kind of  regular basis. I perfer my pads.

But it feels like I may have won the war on tampons.  It has been something that has assisted in me feeling like I wasn’t quite a woman.  The next step will be sex, and I’m not sure that it will be a success. I’m going to do what the women on the Vaginismus Support Group told me to do.  I’m going to try not to be hard on myself and build such expectation.

Another note on the whole possible attempt at sex.  After telling my husband about my experience with a tampon. He made a surprise stop at the wine and spirits shop and bought some alchol. He stated to help us get in the mood (or relax me).  He of course made a joke about my drunk episode on my honeymoon because I was trying to get myself tipsey. At that time I had no name for my problem and figured that I just needed something to relax me and that the problem would be solved.  Guess again. But that is another story for another day.

So I had to share .. I wore a tampon. Now it was slim and regular size, so it wasn’t that big, but still I got one in and I walked around and taught with it in. So Wooohhooo!!

{September 21, 2009}   Nervous about Progress?

I recently had another appointment with my Physical Therapist with my husband present.  The internal hurt more  since we hadn’t had an appointment awhile. I was at a level 4-5 pain.  The therapist after the internal exercises looks at me and my husband and states that she thinks that assumming my levels of pain don’t change.  My husband and I are suppose to try and for me to be prepared for the pain.

I’m really nervous.  Everytime we have tried it has been “hitting the wall”. The pain was a  part, but mostly it just wasn’t happening.  On top of the inability I have had body memory troubles, so it has made intimacy a very difficult thing.  When I asked how my husband felt about the fact that this was being presented as an option. He admitted he was a bit nervous. He was afraid of another failure.

It hurts that this fear is even present. I should be excited and thrilled that this is a new stage in the whole process, but unfortunately I’m stuck on the fear that I will be disappointed. I’m very scared of the pain too.  But I can deal with that (briefly) if  things turn out to be a sucess.  To even say that something happened would be a miracle.  Don’t get me wrong. I’m excited, but I’m really afraid of disappointment.

{September 9, 2009}   Lack of Focus and Support

 Work and time has become a factor.  At the end of the day I have no energy or desire to spend 30 minutes doing the various exercises, especially when my hubby whom is suppose to help me with about 10 minutes of the stretch is not there to really support it.  I need focus and a new motivation.  My new attitude of “having children of my own, isn’t going to happen to me” has really put a rock in the middle of my attitude process.  The weight is getting heavier everyday.  I’m a horrible sister whom has not really supported my sister in her pregnancy.

I’ve become wrongly and horribly jealous of something that I wish not to be.  I am happy for her husband and her.  I am.. and at the same time I wish that was me.  I hate my new attitude and how I have been behaving.  In two weeks there is a baby shower, 6 hours from here.  She supposedly is going to have 2.  I would love to say the fact that I may be housing the 2nd baby shower could mean I have a leg out on the first, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.  That is horrible ” a leg out on the first”.  I am just terrified of breaking down and afraid of what the day is going to be like.

I know I need to get a serious attitude readjustment and fast or I could seriously hurt my sister.  I want her baby shower to be memorable in a positive manner, not because her older sister broke down.  Sorry if I seem so negative, I’m just venting, confused, frustrated, and angry at myself.

It is hard to stay positive on the whole vaginismus track.  Marriage has complications without adding the no sex and without my physical and emotional intimacies.  I first thought when we made it through the past two years and became in a rut of acceptance that the no sex and lack of physical was easy to avoid that maybe things wouldn’t be soo bad.  It isn’t that I wasn’t trying to get help, I just had no where to turn at the time.  I am 27 and while I still have time to have children, this was the age we had planned to start having children. My Mom whom knows of my condition told me in a shopping experience today, “I know that you are dealing with your issues, but I believe you will have your own children.  When you do, you will be more emotionally prepared and ready for it.”.  What is even harder is the fact that I could get past all the emotional and physical problems to find out that there is a reproductive problem as well.  I’m guessing the only way to know if that this is the case, is by trying to have a child.

It is ironic that while I feel the closest I have been to a solution, that I feel no closer to the end.  My husband says that I have a very pessimistic attitude right now.  Your point? I feel so tired fighting the typical crap that people deal with.  I want a vacation!!

{September 6, 2009}   Babies’r’us (spelling?)

I had an embarrassing experience at the store while shopping or looking for gift registry items for my sister’s baby’s registry.  I thought I had built this tight shield around me lately of “I don’t need to have children of my own”.  I literally started to tear up and had a hard time breathing back the tears. The worse part I was in a public place.  Every corner and location was baby stuff and families at all stages of the birthing process.  I struggled showing excitement during the whole process and worked hard to not tear up.  The only thing that worked was blocking off all surroundings and pretend that the bedding was those that you find at a Bed Bath and Beyond.

I was horrified at how I reacted and had no control.  The more I tried to control and hide the emotions, the worse it became.  It was a bad experience.

et cetera