Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{July 8, 2009}   Is this False Hope?

After falling off the bandwagon and a deep depression and frustration with lack of progress and biological clock running. I’m back on the bandwagon with the dilators.  I re-read the manual for Dilators on the Vaginismus Awareness website. For now the online group, various websites, and my own personal thoughts are the only thing guiding this whole process.  I have no physical therapist to say that maybe the reason I keep back tracking is because I’m trying to rush or doing something wrong.  It’s not because I haven’t thought of getting a PT. There is none in the area.  I got a phone call from the PT in an area 2 1/2 hours away whom was recommended to be my an individual on the online support group.

We have played phone tag.  The hours and days she works are the hours and days I’m at my job.  I didn’t tell the PT my reason for calling so she informed me to call back when a male PT is in to get information or wait til Tuesday.  I’m not sure I can call down and discuss my reasons for calling with a male.  I am not that comfortable discussing this with anyone.  But I can wait til Tuesday and maybe say that I have someone in the medical field helping me through this windy twisted and cumbersome road.

Is it a false hope to think that looking at the office hours, and saying Saturday looks like an option, that this may not work out? Please pray that this person could have the time and be covered by insurance to help me with my existing condition. 

After 2 1/2 weeks with 45 minute sessions with the dilators. I am back to dilator 3.  I am still feeling mild pain with dilator 3.  I can get it in, but not as fast as number two.  I wish I knew how far these dilators were suppose to go in.  I will continue and hopefully mabye have the opportunity to say that I am on Dilator 4.

I also joined a new support group for women trying to concieve.  My husband and I are definately wanting to have kids. The biggest question is if we will  inseminate in a manner other than intercourse. 

Well I will be researching and reading more.


Kimberly says:

Wow Dialator 3! Good for you! Don’t lose hope, your making great progress!! I hope connecting with a female PT works out for you, but keep going on your sessions cause it sounds like your doing really well! I would give anything to be at D3! I’ve had a setback because of some back pain and pelvic floor spasms, but I hope to get back on my sessions in the next couple days when the nerve calms down. Thanks for your honest posts, it helps me remember that I’m not alone.


buaslbutterfly says:

Thanks for the comment. It took me couple years to get to D3 and I’m glad to say I’ve made it. My frustration is that I keep backtracking, but I guess that is part of this whole process. You will get to D3. I didn’t think it was possible. Letting the nerves calm down is a good idea. I think I use to push myself in the beginning which is why it has taken so long. As opposed to listening to my body, which is what I’ve really learned from the manual online. Your not alone. It sometimes good to have that reminder since outside the internet most of us don’t communicate this to other people other than spouses and medical physicians. Good luck with your progress. If you don’t mind me asking what Dilators your using. I’m using a set that has seven in it. If your using the set with four, you might consider trying to get some dilators that are in between. Hopefully your nerves calm down soon.


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