Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{July 28, 2009}   Physical Therapy Session 1

The first session was an evaluation type session. The PT spent 30 minutes talking about when the problems started (or aware) and past issues that were relevant.  Then she had me do some different positions with my body.  I believe this was to check to see how I was physically.  She then showed me a model of a human pelvis and explained what muscles were causing problems.  I mentioned dilators, but she said that was an old theory that sticking dilators inside and just expanding and creating memory wouldn’t really work.  She said I need to create space because my connective tissue is so tight from things that happened to me when I was younger.  She said it was my bodies natural defense system.  She then said she would work on exercises to create space and loosen tissue to soften things and eventually I maybe could look into dilators.

I had the option of my husband being involved or not.  Since the ultimate goal is my ability to have sex with him.  I said I would include him in the whole process.  I was given a couple individual homework exercises (breathing and clocks).  My husband has to stretch my muscles in my legs and stomach to create space.  She did an internal exam which was very painful to say the least, but I did make some discoveries that I wasn’t aware of.  My second appointment is until next Saturday.

My husband has already done the homework assignment with me.  It is painful and on top of the pain during the exercise, I think I may be getting bruised doing the exercise.  I think I need to have him lighten his pushing on my abdomen.

I also found out that my anxiety level and discomfort level is the same for an internal exam as telling about my past.  I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised, but I was.


{July 15, 2009}   Appointment set up

I have an appointment with a physical therapist in Bucks County. It isn’t close to home, but it is my only choice.  Not only has Vaginismus destroyed any kind of healthy and normal sex life (on top of my own intimacy issues), it has brought physical pelvic pain through out the day.  Now that I understand how connected the pain I’ve been experiencing is to the pelvic floor muscles, I know that the importance of getting a PT and over it is even more important. 

I am now going to begin the process of getting myself ready to mentally and physcially be able to handle the appointment. It is a female and someone whom was recommended through the online support group I’m in.  I’m soo thrilled and nervous.  I actually cried tears of happiness and nerves for various reasons.  I took a step toward getting over this.  I found someone and someone that sounds like they might be my answer.

I have nerves and energy running all over.

{July 14, 2009}   If my vagina were a color

If my vagina were a color it would be dark red,
like the stop sign of life.
A nagging reminder of my past.

My body deserted me when I was young,
but now its present and going against my will.

It is a battle, a curese, and a knife in my back

{July 13, 2009}   Vaginimsus woes

I did my homework with the dilators last night. I did an hour session while watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.  I did notice that I have had recent problems of the dilator getting it stuck.  I experience the normal “burning pain”, but then I’ll try to reposition if it feels like it is hitting a wall. It literally took me 15 minutes after the thing was inside to get it out. It was stuck inside. I panicked, which didn’t help with the pain or anxiety.

Today I find it hard to sit and I’ve had spasms of pain in my abdomen.  I have dealt with abdominal pains since college with no answers. Until today, I never realized that even if you are not doing insertions Vaginismus can still cause you pain.  The doctor informed me for the first time that the pain and area is connected to the muscles that are connected to this whole Vag.  For the first time ever, I finally can say I know what is causing my pain.  Most people probably don’t realize what this means to me.

For the past 7 years, I would go through pain that would leave me stuck to bed on steroids and in my abdomen. I would go from specialist to specialist with no answers. Today, I found out what that pain is.  It all makes sense, but until now I feel like others have confirmed it.  No more being sent to the hospital to have tests and have to fight insurance because a doctor or person at the desk screwed up the paperwork to get insurance to cover it.  No more suffering through tests that won’t help.

The other good news, that is if the PT in the area I’m calling tomorrow accepts my insurance. My Doctor told me I can give the name of the person and place and they will write a referral. I don’t have to schedule another appointment.  So while the woes is the pain. I guess I have one odd celebration (knowledge of what is causing pain) and the okay to set up this PT.  Let’s pray insurance covers it.

My doctor also gave me some muscle relaxants and I’m able to go back and get more if this helps :-D!! So while the pain right now is bad, and I’m sufferering.  I’m thinking there may be a light at the end of tunnel. 

In regards to pregnancy issues. I’ve joined the ttcwithvaginismus support group as recommended. Im learning about the “Turkey Baster Method” to pregancy, and weighing options. I was thinking about this because at the office, I go to pick up a magazine while waiting. My luck. The first two magazines I pick are pregancy magazines. I’m not yet pregant and I”m sure none of these women are doing it with vaginismus.  So I’m not going to look inside and feel depressed or reminded of my issues.  I chose not right now. 

Please pray that the PT and medication is the light at the correct tunnel.

{July 10, 2009}   A good song by Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there’s a voice inside my head saying
“You’ll never reach it”

Every step I’m taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I’m not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

‘Cause there’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb, yeah!

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody’s gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It’s all about, it’s all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa


these lyrics are submitted by Mike Maven
these lyrics are last corrected by nick jonas lover101

{July 8, 2009}   Is this False Hope?

After falling off the bandwagon and a deep depression and frustration with lack of progress and biological clock running. I’m back on the bandwagon with the dilators.  I re-read the manual for Dilators on the Vaginismus Awareness website. For now the online group, various websites, and my own personal thoughts are the only thing guiding this whole process.  I have no physical therapist to say that maybe the reason I keep back tracking is because I’m trying to rush or doing something wrong.  It’s not because I haven’t thought of getting a PT. There is none in the area.  I got a phone call from the PT in an area 2 1/2 hours away whom was recommended to be my an individual on the online support group.

We have played phone tag.  The hours and days she works are the hours and days I’m at my job.  I didn’t tell the PT my reason for calling so she informed me to call back when a male PT is in to get information or wait til Tuesday.  I’m not sure I can call down and discuss my reasons for calling with a male.  I am not that comfortable discussing this with anyone.  But I can wait til Tuesday and maybe say that I have someone in the medical field helping me through this windy twisted and cumbersome road.

Is it a false hope to think that looking at the office hours, and saying Saturday looks like an option, that this may not work out? Please pray that this person could have the time and be covered by insurance to help me with my existing condition. 

After 2 1/2 weeks with 45 minute sessions with the dilators. I am back to dilator 3.  I am still feeling mild pain with dilator 3.  I can get it in, but not as fast as number two.  I wish I knew how far these dilators were suppose to go in.  I will continue and hopefully mabye have the opportunity to say that I am on Dilator 4.

I also joined a new support group for women trying to concieve.  My husband and I are definately wanting to have kids. The biggest question is if we will  inseminate in a manner other than intercourse. 

Well I will be researching and reading more.

{July 2, 2009}   Biological Clock Pounding

I’m preparing to celebrate my 27th birthday and I know there is still 3 more years til I celebrate my 30th.  But for my husband and I this was the milestone to start having children.  It has also been rough because it use to be only my inlaws asking, so when do you plan on starting a family. My parents have really been on the ball with this whole “you know if you want to have children, now is a good time as any”.  It doesn’t help with all the pictures of babies in wombs or new born pics on facebook.

About 95% of my married friends have had children.  Starting a family isn’t a competition or a race. It is about what is best for the individual.  The thing is we are ready.  The only problem is the vaginismus which is complicated with my past.  I’m starting to think the chances of obtaining a child the normal way is completely out the door.  My counselor says I need to be patient. That is easy for him to say when he doesn’t have these feelings and he’s not on some kind of emotional roller coaster.

I’ve dealt with the emotional roller coaster, but I’m experiencing a new low. If that is possible. Lately, I will see a baby or a mother and be expecting and think “I wish that was me.”  Or I will be reminded of  a discussion either with family members whom don’t understand and think they do, or a comment made by my husband.  We discussed invitrofertilization since my own Mom whose a nurse mentioned that. 

My husbands reaction was that my problem is taking the whole suprise factor out of having kids.  You know a lot of people say they are not actively trying, but if it happens it would be nice.  I’m thinking a lot of people use contraceptives and when they begin to be ready they stop the contraceptive.  It isn’t a suprise, it is more a suprise as to the time frame.  I don’t see how invitro would really take the suprise factor.  It would still be a suprise if it succeeded and a suprise on the number of children.  That is the only thing I’m wary of is the numbers game on that one.

I’ve heard of the syringe method which I don’t know all too much about.  I was able to wear a tampon for a short period of time, which is a big step. I owe a friend on facebook whom helped me to get to the point where I could go on a trip and use a tampon if the need arised. Which it did! It lasted the majority of the trip.   So I guess that is another option.  I’m just frustrated right now.

I feel like I’m in a capsule with millions of thoughts and words swinging around me.  I have the counselor saying it will take time due to the abuse and trauma you experienced. You need to be patient… My parents reminding me that if things don’t change on the intimacy front I could be really hurt.  When are you going to have children?…… Then my husband. I always imagined we’d be further along. Things haven’t worked the way that I thought they would or pictured. .. and my own biological clock is going…  I want to be a Mom.  I want to experience child birth.

Here is the ironic thing of all the things. While I want the experience of childbirth, I fear pregnancy.  I fear the giving birth part.  If something can’t fit inside me, how is it possible for the baby to exit the area.  Will it make my chances of curing Vaginismus impossible?    These are all things that I have concerns about.  What if I get pregant and I got through labor and I’m one of those girls that requires to be cut in the vaginal area because onto of muscle tightness, I have bones that are too close together.

These are all probably irrational fears and thoughts, but they run through my mind.  But those are minor thoughts compared to the deep depression and emotional rollercoaster I’m experiencing. I have been one whom has always kept her feelings inside.  For the most part crying in public for me is almost unheard of.  Not lately.  I’m the leaky faucet and it is embarrasing.  I need to figure out something fast because this emotional rollercoaster is getting to me.

et cetera