Buaslbutterfly’s Blog

{March 10, 2009}   Calling all GYN’s

GYN’s here is a topic that you probably are not familiar with and yet your whole career revolves around the productive organs of women in particular.  Vaginismus.  I don’t understand why this issue seems to give the GYN’s I’ve met in my area the “I have never heard of that, or I’ve heard of it, but not really familar with it”.

I need to find a woman GYN or doctor whom understands and has assisted other women with Vaginimus on their journey to recovery.  I am sorry if the beginning sounded sarcastic and b*****.  I guess I shouldn’t type about GYN’s on my downward spiral.  I’ve had bad experiences with GYN’s I’ve attempted to use in the past and with counselors.  There is no Physical Therapists near where I live to go see.  So it leaves me where I am.  

I have made several contacts in support groups. They are great. In some weird ways, the members in the group seem closer than the best friends I have in life.  We share some of the most intimate details that aren’t quite things you would discuss with other friends.  They are there to remind you to pick yourself up.  I know though, that when I’m in the deepest spirals of depression the support doesn’t seem quite enough.

I wish there were places where women with Vaginismus could go privately and be able to meet, talk, and be a support.  The internet helps bring a connection that would be missing without it.  But sometimes human contact, a face, a voice, and a location can help make you feel even less lonely or by oneself.

I know that eventually I will find my ladder out of the downward spiral I am in.  I just have to keep on pushing.


{March 7, 2009}   Vaginismus and Frustrations

My sister and brother-in-law found out that if they want to have their own children through child birth, they can’t wait.  It is either have children or have the uterus removed.   While, I can appreciate the frustrations and difficulites that I know will exist in this process, considering the procedures they already have done.  I don’t feel like they are in such a problematic area.

    There are ways to have children.  There is adoption as an option, which I am not saying is an easy process, but is a choice.  Even after the procedure, there is a good chance that their “sex life” will not change.  I would give anything to be able to have a normal sex life. 

The other day a friend was saying about being frustrated because things weren’t normal. I began to think “Vaginimsus”.  I didn’t have to ponder long, because they mentioned that it was something with fertility and preganancy.  I’m thinking to myself.  I haven’t even gotten past the initial process of becoming pregant.

On the support group, the reasons or knowledge of why one has vaginismus has gone around. Most of the individuals whom responded seem to have no idea where it started.  I know why I have Vaginismus, but knowing has not helped me progress in any of the dilators.

I am not on a single dilator.  I finally pulled out the dilators which have been collecting dust in a cabinet.  I have been following my counselors directions, and out of frustation at the lack of any progress, I decided I would attempt the Dilators my Mom bought for me to use.

I still remember that day.

    “Here are the dilators that I saw online. These will help you. ”

My Mom handed me this white box with labels from a company in Canada.  I opened the box, expecting to see a pamphlet or booklet, paper or something about how to use them.  Nothing.  I found 8 dilators. They were wax and cone like, and the 8th one freaked me out.   I remember shutting the box and trying to block the image out of my mind.

I can’t get a finger or anything smaller than a finger inside.  I’m suppose to get these inside. 

Now I’ve pulled them out again.  I can’t get the first one in at all. I have moved back. Trying cue-tips and fingers, but I still am not managing enterance of any kind.

I feel like I”m doing something wrong.  I believe that if I had a doctor knowledgable about Vaginismus and dilators and knew how to use them. I might make progress.  I don’t know.

et cetera