Celebrations and Frustrations mixed into one hot mess

  My husband and I had a sucess in the bedroom again.  This is the celebration.  There was a little bit of discomfort and no real pleasure, but a sucess.  The first attempt was awkward in that I was faced away and while it was a sucess, I really had to fight body memories and so it even more amazing that there was sucess. Like I said previously, we didn’t exactly plan it, it just kind of happened. 

This morning we made another attempt with me on top, which was a sucess.  The other day we tried this same position and had a not so sucessful experience, but today we had sucess.  This was good to know that we could do it this way. This felt a bit normal position and I prefered this to what originally worked.  We still have no sucess with the missionary position. Isn’t that suppose to be the easiest and most basic position?

My frustration comes that we hit the wall every time. I freeze, my body memories are the worst and when we are in that position, my mind and body are on the verge of breaking from my body. It feels like some psychotic break.  My husband doesn’t understand the whole body memory thing. The counselor tried to explain it, but I understand its not exactly something most people experience.

Will I never be able to have sex like this?  Will there always be that block?  I know part of its connected or a lot of it connects to issues with my past.  And as a result of my past, the body memories, the pelvic floor muscles begin their dance, but I wish I could put a halt on their movements. I guess I should be happy with the sucess (and I am) but I guess I kind of was hoping that I could say that the positions that seem the most basic and prevalent were doable.

I have to remind myself one step at a time.  It is so difficult at times. I seem so close to a complete cure but I’m still working on it. My counselor says I’m hard on myself in general. I guess so, but if I’m not hard on myself and holding myself accountable for myself, who will be there.   

But the celebration today is the fact that I had another sucessful event. While there was an unsucessful event with two positions, I’ve still maintained the ability to have intercourse. And I think maybe the discomfort was even less than before.

I just felt like sharing.  And with any luck maybe I might be pregnant, I doubt it will be easy like that, but there is always hope.